Genre: YA Urban Fantasy
Word Count: 75,000
Dear Agent:
Seventeen-year-old Lena Tulman’s whole future rides on landing a track scholarship out of trailer park hell, so she chalks up the voice in her head as stress-induced crazy.
But the voice won’t shut up.
It gets louder and louder, until it pulls her through the bed and into another dimension where giant tree-dwelling squid are the dominant species—and they aren’t happy Lena dropped by. She escapes their tentacles and manages to find a way home only to discover a secret that may break her mind:
Lena has lived in another world. Her current life, with the drunken father who can’t keep his fists to himself, is punishment for Lena’s past crimes—interfering in the natural evolution of underdeveloped worlds. As if that’s not enough to deal with, someone from the past thinks she hasn’t been punished enough.
Caught between the woman she was and the girl she is now, Lena must figure out how to stop whoever is after her, or she’ll be running for her life instead of running around the track.
First 250 words:
Nothing annoyed me more than crappy best friends. The type who did stupid stuff, like grab my shoulder and scream right in my ear, “Help me, Barbara!”
A popcorn cloud exploded above us when I jumped. The kernels left in the tub I threw in Zander’s face.
We sat in the back row, Night of the Living Dead on the screen. No emergency exit signs interrupted the darkness, giving a little more in the scare department. But Zander—the heckle czar—killed the mood as soon as the graveyard scene popped up.
"You promised to watch, now watch." I chucked the popcorn tub at him when he wouldn’t stop laughing.
"Fine, but my hands are staying in my pockets." He rubbed the tiny crescent-shaped scars on his left hand. "I have no idea why you want to watch these things. You can't sit through one without a week of nightmares."
"Not true. The Ring was just extra freaky."
"Ah, and so were The Shining and Paranormal Activity..." His southern accent rolled off his tongue like sap from a maple tree. "I think you like being afraid all the time."
I hated it when he was right. "Shut up."
Fear triggered the fight or flight mechanism in our brains. The signal that proved we still wanted to live. That was my theory, anyway.
Maybe I was a masochist, but I did like experiencing the fear. It ensured the numbness hadn’t completely taken over. Numb could be good. A takeover, though…not so good.
No.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you need the paragraph in your query where you talk about the tree-dwelling squids. I wasn't interested in that.
I was more interested in the fact that her present life is a punishment for past wrong-doings. Focus on that.
(Entry #13)
ReplyDeleteThe only reason I am saying no, is because I like another query more. If I could, I'd say yes. I like were your story is going.
No. This was in my "maybe pile" but in the end, I went with someone else. You have a strong, developed voice, and I really like your first 250. In the query, you introduce elements that are completely foreign to the readers, so you have to strike the tricky balance between clarity and over-explaining.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteEverything about this, query and 250, reads like a contemporary, until you mention the squid. Even after you say it, I still wondered if maybe that was a delusion. Read the query aloud without the paragraph with the squid and you'll see what I mean. If her past life is a major element, and I'm guessing it is, you'll need to explain it in very clear, simple terms so there is no confusion what type of book this is.
Yes.
ReplyDeleteI think your query is awesome. Awesome, I say! It's clearly a portal story and I love that you're not running from that - I think you'd ultimately be doing yourself a disservice by beating around that bush. And by introducing the squid-world, I think you kick up the interest a dozen notches. It's not just a story about redemption/past lives... there's going to be some action of a stranger variety.
This story won't be everyone's cuppa, but if you target the agents who are open to the weird, I think you have a winner. Frankly, I wish there was more weird in the world. :)
My only suggestion would be to combine "the someone who doesn't think she's been punished enough" sentence into the last paragraph. I think if you end with that, it's a much stronger finish.
Great first 250 as well!
Best of luck with this.
Jeannette (#6)
There are a couple of things that tip this into the no pile for me. First, the giant tree-dwelling squid. I agree that all the rest of the query is more interesting to me.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, some agents would start reading and say, "Wait! Where did these squid come from?" So, I feel like maybe there's some other way to make the connection?
The other thing that bothered me was that you tell me Zander has a Southern accent, and I don't hear it. Otherwise, I like the first 250. It's almost a yes, but not quite.
Yes. I liked the voice :)
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice and like the premise. It's well written. I agree with the above commentors and feel like the squid paragraph didn't fit the mood of the query.
No. Other than the bit about squids and the fact that this is a portal story, I don't know what else is going on. Yes, someone is chasing her, but nothing she's doing [in the query] gives me any idea as to why.
ReplyDeleteThe beginning scene doesn't seem relevant, other than her doing something that teenagers often do. But this is just the first 250, so maybe the relevance comes soon after. It's just not enough to pull me in.
(Entry #8)
No, sorry! I liked the premise, but ultimately, I couldn't connect enough with the story - I may have been turned off by the squid, which is almost a comical word to use in a serious situation. Is there a name for this species? I know you need to be careful introducing too many new names in a query but in this case, it might prevent the "shut-down" that it seems many of us had when we reached that word.
ReplyDeleteThe first 250 seemed a little disjointed as well. Lena's musing about fear seems a little internal - and then she moves from musing about fear to numbness and takeover, and I get lost.
I like how you set up the relationship with Zander - I just hope he is central to the story because you lure us with the description of his scars, as though he too is a victim of abuse or perhaps also a traveler from other dimensions?
Good luck!
#20
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, but I'm going to have to pass. I was just confused with the other world, the squid, and the fact that it seems we're looking into the character's past life? I might be wrong there, but that's what it sounded like to me.
ReplyDeleteNow, I did like the 250, because there was great voice in there! But, if I were an actual agent, I probably would have stopped after the query. So, I suggest tightening it up a bit, letting us know what's at stake and maybe giving us a little more info on the specifics. I know that's so vague, but I'm still a little confused on what's going on in here. Is the MC actually insane? Or is she actually going to another realm/dimension? Like I've said to others, you just need to find that agent that believes in your work! Good luck with your querying!
#14
Query:
ReplyDeleteI’ll admit when I read giant squid people, I was skeptical. But I think this could actually be an amazing story. I love the concept of remembering a past life and finding out you were a bitch.
I think the last half of your query is great. The first part needs a bit of fixing. Why is Lena hearing a voice? Is it her old self? Is it something magical? You bring it up at the start, but never bring it up again.
The squids also cause some trouble, as I was like, “What the hell?” I think you can keep them though. Just maybe try to get to the past life thing sooner. That seems to be where the story is.
Overall, I like your query and really want to read the first 250.
First 250:
Your first 250 is well-written, though I’ll admit I wanted the voices right away. I’d have to read more to decide if I like where you’re going with this idea of not.
As it is, we get to see what it’s like for the MC to be normal. That’s not too bad.
Here are some nit-picky thoughts:
-Maybe rewrite to “I jumped and a popcorn cloud exploded above us”. As it is, I had no idea what a popcorn cloud was unlike you said she jumped. Also, writing the actions in order will help it make more sense.
-What does “the heckle czar” mean?
Overall, I want to read more, but I’m not hooked yet.
Verdict: Yes.
My answer could have gone either way. I love the premise, but I think both your query and first 250 need work.
Good luck!
-Tiff (#3)
No. I love the plot idea but was not drawn in by the query.
ReplyDeleteRevised Entry:
ReplyDeleteQuery:
For seventeen-year-old Lena, living in the trailer park with the rest of Mount Pocono's throwaways isn't exactly paradise. Luckily, life doesn’t totally suck. She has friends, a spot on the track team, and a guy who stars her dreams, promising to find her.
While awake, Lena doesn't fantasize—much—about dream guy’s promise. Her main concern is winning a track scholarship, aka a one-way ticket out of white trash central. And so strange episodes, like a theater chair burning her arms, is chalked up as a hallucination due to stress-induced insanity. But when the happenings escalate, to where she swears something yanks her through the bed, the only logical explanation is her mind finally snapped. That is, until dream guy does find her, and he has a name—Tarek. Unfortunately, he’s come with a warning:
Lena was a Guide in her past life, a being with the ability to transport human energy across realms, crucial for each world’s evolution. Her energy is strong in its raw form, and someone wants it. Not only will she die if the person succeeds, but in the wrong hands her energy has the potential to bleed lines between worlds. Tarek vows to help, but there’s a problem. He has no idea who’s after her.
Caught between the woman she was and the girl she is now, Lena must find who wants her dead, or she’ll be running for her life instead of running around the track.
250:
Nothing annoyed me more than crappy best friends. The type who did stupid stuff, like grab my shoulder and scream right in my ear, “Help me, Barbara!”
I jumped and a popcorn cloud exploded above us. The kernels left in the tub I threw in Zander’s face.
We sat in the back row, Night of the Living Dead on the screen. No emergency exit signs interrupted the darkness, giving a little more in the scare department. But Zander killed the mood as soon as the graveyard scene popped up.
"You promised to watch, now watch." I chucked the popcorn tub at him when he wouldn’t stop laughing.
"Fine, but my hands are staying in my pockets this time." He rubbed the tiny crescent-shaped scars on his left hand. "I have no idea why you watch these things. You can't sit through one without a week of nightmares."
"Not true. The Ring was just extra freaky."
"Ah, and so were The Shining and Paranormal Activity..." His southern accent rolled off his tongue like sap from a maple tree. "I think you like bein’ afraid all the time."
I hated it when he was right. "Shut up."
Fear triggered the fight or flight mechanism in our brains. The signal that proved we still wanted to live. That was my theory, anyway.
Maybe I was a masochist, but I did like experiencing the fear. It ensured the numbness hadn’t completely taken over. Numb could be good. A takeover, though…not so good.
I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the market is really saturated with "portal" fantasies. That doesn't mean that yours isn't something special, but the current problem is that I'm still not seeing what is so special about it. The voice in the first page is good, but I'm worried that the concept might be very similar to many other stories featuring a Chosen One archetype (like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and her buddy is even named Zander!).
ReplyDeleteI fear you might be yelling at the screen saying "This is nothing like Buffy!!!," so let me be clear. Portal fantasies are hard, not impossible. You really need to bring out what is unique about your story. Why this girl, why this place, why this story. The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe is the bar for portal fantasies, and people have been writing them as long as there has been writing. My best advice is make it stand out by showing people how your story is different.
Other than that, everything is totally functional, but with a portal fantasy, you have to have brilliant. (I'd still check out a little more to see if the characters surprise me and hold my interest. I have a real soft spot for portal fantasy even if the publishing industry doesn't love them.)
I think your query improved dramatically in clarity but added some grammatical errors. The second paragraph, which gave us really important information (and deleted the squid!!) can be tightened if you go back and look for agreement and flow issues. "But when the happenings escalate to where ..." is a bit words- I think if you read it out loud, you might find ways to clean it up, make it leaner and more powerful.
ReplyDeleteI like the line about her energy being strong in its raw form.
Good luck!
#20