Title: EXQUISITE SENSES
Genre: YA Speculative/Thriller
Word Count: 88,000
Dear Agent,
16-year-old Leila is in love with Dane. But - gah. She can’t admit that because – excruciating and so not cool to fall for your best friend. Dane, also 16, dreads rejection, but he just wants to tell Leila already that he loves her and would treat her better than the douche who just humiliated her. What theywill tell each other - and not anyone else - is this: Leila creates random music out of thin air when she’s upset, and Dane hears what other people aren’t saying. (#Freakingweird) Then Dane’s mother, Tara, is brutally kidnapped - an attack they barely escape themselves – and they become targets in a frightening intrigue of murder, tragedy, edgy science, bad pharmaceuticals, & long-buried family secrets. To save their lives, they must shelve the angst and master the freaking weird.
My completed YA novel EXQUISITE SENSES(88,000 words)is narrated by both Leila and Dane. Their search for Tara leads them from a snowy Minnesota farmhouse - where they discover the experimental science behind their talent - to Peru’s ancient spaces. This is where they learn they have only 48 hours to derail the twisted conspiracy behind Tara’s abduction before hundreds of desperate people die. But first they have to escape from underground Peru – and use Walt Whitman’s poetry to keep someone’s heart beating.
I was a television news reporter for 15 years, then a mayoral press secretary. I am now a stay-at-home mother to 2 small children who love for me to spin endless tales. This is my first novel.
First 250:
LEILA
I stared numbly at the books in my locker, trying to remember where I was supposed to go next. My brain was in deep freeze, like I had become the sub-zero day outside.
“Leila, move it, we’re going to be late! You look terrible, by the way.” Linnea Larson was suddenly right there, rushing as always.
“Thanks. Go on – I’m right behind you.”
“Seriously, hurry. You’ve been late every day this week. Mr. Bjork’s getting dagger eyes.”
Ah. English. Now I was tracking.
“Yah, I’m coming, I promise.”
Shooting me a concerned glance over her shoulder, Linnea blew off in a flurry of trailing scarf ends.She was waiting for me to talk about it, but I just wasn’t ready to discuss my Humiliation (but not Heartbreak) at the Hands of the Hose bag, Antonio. Alliterative agony. I’d been avoiding her, and she knew it. The nice thing about best friends is, they let you do that.
I closed my eyes, trying to find the will to go to class. And then felt someone else approach. Oh, please, NO. I screamed silently.
Pleasepleaseplease. The hall had emptied and I had no cover.
“Leila.”
I sighed heavily and turned to face him.
And there it was again – the song. Shocking, loud, filling all the space around and between us. The same song that blasted me when I was crying in the shower this morning. The one about fire and burning and tears.
No.
ReplyDeleteI found the query gimmicky (the hashtag) and it isn't clear who the antagonist is. The bio isn't relevant to the query and you shouldn't bring attention the fact that it's your first novel. The first 250 need polishing. The first line is awkward. "...like I had become the sub-zero day outside." I do think the premise is interesting--Leila creating music out of thin air.
No. I felt the query read disjointed. Perhaps move the first line of the second paragraph to the start of the third would help and then clean it up from there. (Entry #19)
ReplyDeleteNo. The hashtag turned me off. I'd like to see more emphasis on the tense points of the plot - the mother's kidnap (and the reason for it), how their abilities help or hinder their goal. Also, putting your title and word count in the middle of the query makes it look like it's finished. I almost didn't realize there was still more plot there.
ReplyDeleteSorry to say, I'm a No, too. I think the big thing for me is the connection between the first part of the plot and the second part of the plot. It starts out sounding like a YA contemp then moves into thriller with little or no transition. As a reader, I need to know why I should care about the characters, and just being in love with each other isn't enough for me. I think this query could really use some polish to bring out the conflict, the action, and the speculative aspects.
ReplyDeleteI like the second part of your query more than your first... and some agents won't read that far. If you can consolidate the first part more seamlessly with the second, I think you'd be gold.
ReplyDeleteAs for the "gimmick" part: I like it (including the hashtag!). I get a sense of their characters and the tone of the book from your first few lines. Perhaps cut to the meat of the story first, and then introduce them? The setting alone is intriguing, but it seems to be put in as an afterthought.
I think the essence of a great query is here, but the order is what's not working properly. We need to know what binds the pair together (friendship, magic), and what stands in the way (kidnapping, miscommunication, magic). And some other things seem sort of random (but interesting) - the poetry to keep someone's heart beating, the trip to Peru, the "desperate people". Try to connect all these dots and I think you have it.
I love your first 250. I want to vote yes, based on that alone. It's immediately full of conflict and character - well done there!
But my vote will be No. Sorry!
Best of luck with this!
Jeannette (#6)
I would pass on this. Too many crutch words (just, always, etc.) in the query, plus a typo that makes me wonder if the MS will be carefully proofread. Also this sentence:
ReplyDeletethey become targets in a frightening intrigue of murder, tragedy, edgy science, bad pharmaceuticals, & long-buried family secrets. I didn't even really get from the query that it's a thriller: reads more like a love story.
Tell me what actually happened. Give me more to make me want to read.
The first 250 is fine, but it doesn't grab me. You've introduced four characters all at once, and it feels like too much. I would consider starting with the song and moving or deleting everything above it.
(Entry #13)
ReplyDeleteNo.
When you write a query, you need to put that teaser in for your story. Agents are 15 year old. Your query reads like you are talking to a 15 year old. The hashtag, the -gah statement. If you rewrite this for an actual agent, you'd have a winner.
#7
ReplyDeleteNo. The voice in the query sounds too forced, and maybe a little too young for 16. I like where you’re going with it, but I’d tone down the added flavor and get to the point--being the second part of your query. Also, put your title line last or even first. Don’t put it in the middle of the query.
Your first 250 is good, but could use some tightening, as it reads a little clunky, mainly the first two lines. The premise sounds cool, though. With some polishing, this will be a great story. :)
I am sorry to say no. (I'm entry #21) I agree with what some of the others have said about the query. It just didn't work for me and unfortunately if I were an agent I probably wouldn't have gone on to the pages.
ReplyDeleteNo. I thought the query was overwritten. I think the hashtag could have been fun if the rest of it didn't feel so heavy, so don't rule it out completely. I really do like the overall concept and the Peru tie in. I liked the first 250 but there were too many "L" names - that really pulled me away from the story.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for this great advice. I really appreciate the time you've taken, and am excited to have such concrete suggestions for improvement. Good luck to everyone!
ReplyDelete#20
I think it's cool that you show right away your ability to write the mindset of these teenagers. What I suggest is getting rid of 'just' 'already' and make the writing TIGHT. (We want their voice to come through in IM and dialogue, but not have the bulk of the 88K need weed-whacking, if that makes any sense?)
ReplyDeleteThe hashtag is a toughie. It's young people speak, yes, BUT does it merit being in the query? I think it's a 50/50 thing. Some will like. Some won't. IOW--listen to your gut.
Tell me WHY or WHO (or both) kidnaps the mother.Consider enticing me a bit more regarding the murder. Is it a bloody one? A high-profile one? Did they witness it? (Just giving ideas here on want you could show.)
You list 2 different stakes. I'd suggest ripping the first set of stakes (about saving their lives) and save the bit about the locale in a stand alone paragraph (montana to peru) and bring up the rest of that info up to finish with the rest because those stakes are even bigger.
(They say to never mention what number novel this is. I agree.) I like knowing your a former reporter. I'll think you may have been to these places first-hand. (No need to say it, let the agent think it.)
Your 250 could use some tightening. But because I like the voice and the premise, if I were an agent, I'd be inclined to ask for a partial (3 chaps) and a synopsis.
I am a no as well. I think it would be good for the stakes to be on the opening paragraph. I find the query disjointed. In the second paragraph, we went from a farm house in Minnesota to escaping from underground Peru. I felt like the way her abilities were described felt more like they were thrown in and I really want to be excited about them. I think the music thing should be much more of a hook and spotlighted for an agent looking for that something different.
ReplyDeleteI like the premise and first 250. Watch filtering words and mentioning that she is always in a hurry which is a detail revealed in the next spate of dialogue. All in all, this is an interesting story and I want to know how it all fits together!
Query:
ReplyDeleteFirst Thoughts: This may just be me, but write out 16-year-old as it drives me crazy. Yes, technically numbers over 12 (?) can be typed out in number form, but “sixteen-year-old” is prettier than “16-year-old”.
Not a very interesting first sentence. Good job for Leila, but I don’t know who Dane is and why this is so terrible. Is he her brother? A serial killer?
I’m not sure how I feel about “But—gah”. My first thought was, “No.” Now I’m not so sure. It could work. Throw an exclamation mark in the end, maybe.
I don’t know what happened to the third sentence. Why is there a dash? What did it do with the “it’s” that should be there? Maybe break the sentence in two where the dash and work with the two thoughts as individuals. The short sentences also would help with the teen voice you’re trying to channel.
And now we’ve switched to Dane’s perspective. Stick with one. Who’s your main character? Even if you’ve got two narrators, one is the MC and the other the LI.
I don’t know Leila’s dating history, so don’t bring up the douche once and then drop him if he’s not important.
Wow, wait, is this fantasy? Where did the magical powers come from? Why did you start with them loving each other? That’s boring. If this is YA with both a male and female character, we already know there’s a love story in there. We want the magic!
Please get rid of the hashtag. Just obliterate it.
Okay. We went from a love story to fantasy to thriller in the span of two seconds. Why was Tara kidnapped? Just randomly? Also, are they targets because of their powers? That’s my assumption because you brought them up like they’re important.
Delete the list at the end of the second last sentence. It’s A) Too long and B) Telling instead of showing. Show us all this intrigue and edgy science (what is edgy science?), don’t tell us.
The synopsis you go into after giving us the title and word count should be worked into the query in an interesting way. My suggestion: cut the love problems and focus on their cool, but mysterious powers and how they tie into Tara’s kidnap and their journey to Peru.
Unless you think being a news reporter, secretary or stay-at-home mom adds to the query (as in it makes you qualified to write this story) cut it. And 100% cut the “This is my first novel”. Since you didn’t mention any previous work, an agent can figure that out on their own.
Overall, your query needs a lot of work. You throw three different story ideas and don’t really connect them. You also go into synopsis mode near the end, whereas that information should be presented with the rest of the query.
First 250:
I read the entire thing quickly and it’s not a bad concept for a starting page. You end with the mysterious song, which makes me want to read on.
While the content’s good, I have some grammar/sentence structure/etc… issues:
-“My brain was in deep freeze, like the sub-zero day outside” sounds better to me and makes more sense.
-“Linnea Larson was suddenly right there…” (there where? Say “beside me”)
-“Ah. English. Now I was tracking.” (Tracking? What? I get what you mean, but who says that.)
-Hose bag? She’s sixteen, not ten. And what is a Hose bag, anyway?
The rest is, as I said, decent. Maybe work on your dialogue. It sounded fake in some places.
Verdict: No.
Both the query and first 250 need work. Their powers are cool, though, and it’s not paranormal, so I think you could attract some agent attention.
Good luck!
-Tiff (#3)
I want to say yes to this, but unfortunately it's a no. Sorry, it was really close! I loved the first 250 words. I took issue with the query, though. I had trouble getting past the typos (so many missing spaces!) and there were a couple of places where you opted to tell instead of show.
ReplyDeleteRevised Query:
ReplyDelete16-year-old Leila creates random music out of thin air when she’s upset. Her best friend Dane, also 16, hears what other people aren’t saying. It’s all pretty freaking weird. They’re trying to figure out how and why this is happening to them when Dane’s mother Tara is kidnapped - an attack they barely escape themselves. Now the kidnappers are hunting them, and to understand why (and survive the manhunt), they must uncover family secrets that link them - and their new talents - to their pursuers. What evolves is an intrigue that involves murder, tragedy, groundbreaking science, and bad pharmaceuticals.
Both Leila and Dane narrate their flight from a snowy Minnesota farmhouse to Peru’s ancient spaces, where they learn that they have only 48 hours to unravel the kidnappers' plans or Tara will never come home, and many desperate people will die. But they can’t do anything until they escape from underground Peru – and use Walt Whitman’s poetry to keep someone’s heart beating.
EXQUISITE SENSES, a YA Speculative/Thriller, is complete at 86,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Revised First 250
LEILA
The crowd in the hall finally thinned. I slipped out of the practice room where I’d been hiding and quickly opened my locker, hoping I’d succeeded at avoiding my friends. They were all waiting for me to talk about it.
I just wasn’t ready to discuss my Humiliation (but not Heartbreak) at the Hands of the Hose bag, Antonio. Alliterative agony. I’d been dodging them, and they knew it. The nice thing about best friends is, they let you do that.
I closed my locker door and was trying to find the will to go to class when he slithered up behind me.
I screamed silently. Pleasepleaseplease.
I so did not want to do this right now.
“Leila.”
I sighed heavily and turned to face him.
And there it was again – the song. Shocking, loud, filling all the space around and between us. The same song that blasted me when I was crying in the shower this morning. The one about fire and burning and tears.
The temperature in the hall rose about 20 degrees.
Antonio Ruiz gazed up at the PA speakers and then into my locker. The song pulsed with rage. I could feel the tiled floor vibrating under my feet, sending shockwaves of rhythm and keening fury up my spine. Inside, I recoiled violently.
“You’ve got your speakers in here now?” He shouted above the din.
I coughed hard, like I’d been punched, and the song fell abruptly away, leaving behind a sticky, clammy quiet.
So much better! Congrats on all the hard work!
ReplyDeleteIn the first paragraph of the query you threw me with the word "new" at the near end of the paragraph. I assumed they'd had their 'powers' since forever. If this suddenly starts one day, their abilities, then I think you need to mention this from the onset. One day 16 year old Leila wakes up...
"What evolves is an intrigue that involves"= Too clunky. Too many wasted words. (Times like these think words cost you $$. Lots of $$. Think Twitter pitch approach too, anything to make you cut the unnecessary to get to the point.)
2nd paragraph. Great beginning. Spaces? Maybe: Ruins? Corners? Jungle? Hidden underground? Hidden tunnels? (In other words, be specific AND conjures an image.) Who are these 'many desperate people'?
Who is 'someone'? You can't be cryptic. Either describe these other people and this someone, or they don't belong.
LOVE your first 250. Well done!
I love your revised First 250! It's so much snappier and gets to the interesting part much more quickly. Well done!
ReplyDeleteYour query is also a vast improvement. Well done on your revisions there! A few things: I'm still not sure who the "desperate" people are. To someone who doesn't know the story, I'm not sure what that means.
Also, the last line should be your sinker, and you know I was intrigued by the Walt Whitman line, but in this version, it sounds kind of thrown out there... it's out of context and again, I'm not sure what it means. You might want to clear up these two little things, and then you're gold. This sounds like a wonderful story!!!
Your query reads so much smoother! The voice is stronger without all the extras. I really like your 250. I get a real sense the character, and this leaves me wondering who Antonio is and why he evokes such a strong reaction from Leila. I would definitely want to read more!
ReplyDeleteSuggestions:
Query:
This sentence: “What evolves is an intrigue that involves murder, tragedy, groundbreaking science, and bad pharmaceuticals.”
It’s vague, not giving us much but a blanket description that could describe a million other books. Maybe try to be more specific.
This sentence: “But they can’t do anything until they escape from underground Peru – and use Walt Whitman’s poetry to keep someone’s heart beating.”
Who’s “someone?” Maybe try to use the former sentence to describe the someone (this seems to be the main conflict, helping this unnamed person) and then use the last sentence to tie the query together.
250:
Sentences: “I screamed silently.” “I sighed heavily.” “I recoiled violently.”
These sentences could be better by ditching the adverbs and opting for stronger verbs. You could also show her recoiling, being annoyed, etc.
Well done!
Random music appears out of thin air when 16-year-old Leila is upset. Her best friend Dane, also 16, hears what other people aren’t saying. It’s all brand new and pretty freaking weird. Before they can make sense of it, Dane’s mother is kidnapped - an attack they barely escape themselves. Now they’re being hunted and must uncover the secrets that tie them – and their talents - to the bad guys. They peel back the surface of their lives and find, for starters, murder and groundbreaking science.
ReplyDeleteBoth Leila and Dane narrate their flight from a snowy Minnesota farmhouse to Peru’s ancient ruins. They have 48 hours to unravel the kidnappers’ plans, or Dane’s mother will never come home. But they can’t do anything until they escape from underground Peru – and trigger Leila’s most powerful talent.
EXQUISITE SENSES, a YA Speculative/Thriller, is complete at 81,000 words.
I really like this! The suggestions I have are that you can make this a lot more showy instead of tell-y. Get rid of 'is' verbs and make everything active instead of passive. Much of it is general too. Can you add some details as to the secrets, the 'bad guys' the 'surface of their lives,' and 'groundbreaking science'? All of it is very general and not as concrete as it could be. I'd also like to know how they went from Minnesota to Peru. It's a connection that we don't understand.
DeleteEven though I wrote a lot, this is good! All there needs to be is more concrete details and less of the generalities. It is possible to do this without revealing big parts of the plot :)Otherwise, you're good :) CONGRATS! Hope this helped!