Title: The Flame Wars
Genre: Adult Contemporary Fantasy
Word Count: 83,000
Dear Agent,
Immortality isn’t a gift. Elsbeth desperately seeks other witches, hoping they can destroy the curse that keeps her alive after every death, every murder. But she’s traveled the world and hasn’t seen another witch for centuries. After taking refuge in her old home in historic Salem, Massachusetts, Elsbeth breaks her biggest rule: trust no one—let no one close. She lies just enough to elicit help from a non-magic human, an Innocent, named Andrew. With his cooperation, she discovers the cruel reality that others also search for witches.
Led by Hopkins, Elsbeth’s executioner during the European Witch Trails, warlocks hunt the women. Except when a warlock finds a witch, he kills her. And unlike Elsbeth, they’ve had no trouble uncovering witches.
Panicked and scrambling for a plan, Elsbeth is kidnapped by Hopkins, but she refuses to become another victim in his lifelong pursuit to slaughter witches for warlocks’ gain. Overconfident, Hopkins reveals Elsbeth is the last. Only her immortality—the curse she’s despised—prevents the extinction of witches, and she alone maintains the balance mankind unknowingly depends upon. Yet Hopkins vows to end the curse and kill her as a mortal.
Now Elsbeth must escape, prevent Hopkins from killing her a second time, and protect Andrew whom she put in danger by letting him close. If Elsbeth dies, witchcraft ends and all that is humane in the world ceases, but witches can’t cause harm and she doesn’t know where to begin.
I hold a B.S. in Biology with an English minor from Virginia Tech, providing Elsbeth a love of nature, and a graduate degree from Hollins University where I studied creative writing.
First 250:
I am cursed; I was saved.
Blue smoke, thick as ash, swirls inside my body. Dropped in the dew-covered grass, I clutch my chest, roll over, and curl fetal. Hot bile stings my throat. Come on, heart, pump. Come on.
The smoke drags through me, forcing a shout, then chokes my lungs closed. One minute I’m convulsing on a gurney in New Orleans, the next I’m here—always here. Reborn in Germany after each death, twenty-five years old and still searching.
Some lifetimes I live for decades, others only a few years before . . . Either way, no one mourns me. Letting anyone close isn’t an option.
Sweat coats my scalp as pain splinters across my ribs. Not a moment too soon, the tight weight lifts and thick hazy spirals exit my body, form a cone above me, and vanish.
Come on, heart. Beat.
Frozen as a corpse, I stare at a spotted falcon circling above. I’d cry his name if I could.
Finally, oxygen rushes in, and I gasp. Shaky moans come between coughs and gags. My heart thumps as I shiver on the frigid ground while blood retraces my veins. Each death is the same. Each death is different. This time a car accident, last time a . . . I don’t recall. Time distorts my memory.
Tremors jolt my torso as my temperature normalizes. Full recovery is inevitable, but takes time. Time I don’t have.
Every inactive minute equals time lost in my search for witches.
No.
ReplyDeleteYou had me in the first paragraph of the query, but I became a bit confused after that. I think you have some extra elements muddling the second half. Focus on the antagonist and what Elsbeth must to do to overcome Hopkins. The stakes are there, but they were unclear to me. Keep it simple.
The first line of the 250 didn't hook me. Stopped reading in the second paragraph--sentences too disjointed for me.
No. I really liked the sample but I think the query itself could use some revision.
ReplyDeleteNo. The sample page was significantly better than the query, but the problem is I can't tell what the story is going to be from the query. Stick to the basics to smooth it out. Characters, plot, stakes. Part of the problem is that you start by talking about her personal struggle, then transition to Hopkins as if he is a POV character. There's a lot of potential, and I suspect you've got this mostly in the bag (as far as the writing), but you really need to straighten out the query letter.
ReplyDeleteI love witch stories, and I think you have a good premise here... but it's muddled and I think you can clean this up quite a bit to make it that much more powerful.
ReplyDeleteIf I understand your subtext: she's spending her many lives looking for a way to mercifully die, and just when she finds her reason to live (Andrew, love, higher purpose, the precious world), it will be too late because someone is hunting her/needs her dead.
I think that's your hook, but as it is, her changing motivation throughout the query is where you're losing me: she wants to die/she's looking for witches to help but otherwise is alone by choice, but then she meets Andrew and trusts him (why?), then she's kidnapped and doesn't want to die (unless it's on her terms?), and wants to protect Andrew. She finds she is the last witch, so there's a burden of responsibility (what is it? what do you mean by everything humane dies?)
And then the last paragraph, where you say she doesn't know where to start, feels like a bit of a petering out... we want someone we can root for. Confusion is human and likely makes her sympathetic in the story, but I don't think it should show in the query. Maybe word it in terms of what choice she has, or what she will have to sacrifice in order to live/save Andrew. She has a doozy of a conundrum, right? If she doesn't stop Hopkins, the balance between good/evil will tilt to full-on evil... she's sort of the protector of the side of good... but in order to stop him, she has to kill him, making her not-so-good... that's excellent! But not really coming out in the query. :(
I would suggest: taking out her death wish from the beginning and focusing on the conflict between her and Hopkins. Introducing Andrew is a good way of raising the stakes, making it personal, so I waffled on this, but ultimately think he should stay. And really focus on her decision at the end, because it's a powerful one: to stop evil she has to do evil. We don't need to know she's confused, and we don't need to know she CAN'T do evil (if that's the case).
Really hope this helps!!
I love your 250. No comments there - I'm hooked!
As for a vote, I have to go No. But it KILLS me, because I love witch stories and suspect you have a good one here!!
Best of luck with this!
Jeannette (#6)
You had me hooked with the beginning of the query, then lost me somewhere after the first paragraph. It felt like it gets too convoluted. Simplify and only include crucial plot points.
ReplyDeleteIn the first 250, you start with a tense shift. First person present tense is a hard sell anyway, but it's harder when you go from present to past to present.
Sorry, but I would also say no.
(Entry #13)
ReplyDeleteNo.
This sounds good, but your query gets confusing. I probably would have said Yes, if it was tighter and really grabbed my attention.
Entry #21 No. I think the query needs to be rewritten. I like what you're trying to do and I don't think you need to change much to get there but it's not there yet.
ReplyDeleteI enjoy your voice in your first 250. You know the story and have the common problem getting it out in the all-daunting query. If I were an agent I'd ask for a partial (3 chaps) AND your synopsis.
ReplyDeleteSo, does a partial count as a YES?
Now some query suggestions:
You do a good job mentioning only 3 names. I do wonder if Hopkins has a POV with the way the query is written. If he does not then keep Elsbeth front and center. What is it about Andrew that makes her want to reach out to him? Why could he be useful as she's the one with magical powers...His cooperation with what? If he is VITAL to the main plot then include details, if not, he's a subplot and shouldn't be mentioned. When Elsbeth is kidnapped I don't see her need to worry right away because she's immortal. I'd remove that then get us to the meat where his plan to undo her curse. I think the paragraph with the stakes is strong. Just need the lead into it stronger.
Good luck!
Query:
ReplyDeleteOoh, hooked from reading the first two sentences. I like the concept of true immortality instead of just longevity.
Cut out “historic” in front of Salem. It got me confused about what time period this is set in.
Lies about what?
Is Elsbeth the only immortal witch, or is it a species wide curse? If so, say “…warlock finds a witch, he kills her for good” to show the finality of it. If not all witches are immortal, why bring up that warlocks kill witches exclusively (“Except when a warlock…”)?
If mankind unknowingly depends on witches, don’t start “Hopkins vows to end the curse…” with “Yet” as it sounds like he knows but doesn’t give a crap.
Your query has a weak ending. “…doesn’t know where to begin”? That’s not exciting at all. It makes it sound like you don’t know where your story is going.
Overall, I found your premise interesting at first, but wasn’t as interested in the end as your query needs more work.
First 250:
I can’t tell if I love the first sentence or hate it. My first thought was: tense issue? Then it just caused confusion.
Besides that, your first 250 is well written and interesting. There are some sentences that sounded off to me (Is “curl fetal” a real term for that position?), but I think I would request more based on the first page alone.
Verdict: No.
I would, as a reader, like to read more as the query, while confusing near the end, created enough interest, which was later reinforced by the first page. But, as an agent, I don’t think I would’ve read the first page as I would’ve stopped at your query. Even if I had read the entire first page, I still would’ve sent a rejection as your query needs more work and agents need something either really shiny or really amazing to send a request for a partial or full.
Good luck!
-Tiff (#3)
No. The wording in the query was confusing.
ReplyDeleteREVISED QUERY
ReplyDeleteDear Agent,
Immortality isn’t a gift. Elsbeth desperately seeks mortal witches to end the isolation which follows her through every life, every death. But she’s traveled the world and hasn’t found another witch for centuries. After taking refuge in her old home in Salem, Massachusetts, Elsbeth breaks her biggest rule: trust no one who isn’t magical. Elsbeth lies about her motives just enough to a strangely familiar non-magic human, an Innocent, named Andrew to elicit his help in her search. Andrew in turn invites Elsbeth to a supposed magic festival where she discovers the cruel reality that warlocks hunt witches. Except when a warlock finds a witch, he kills her.
In fact, warlocks encounter no trouble uncovering witches under the leadership of Hopkins, Elsbeth’s old executioner, in his goal to slaughter witches for warlocks’ gain. Terrified at seeing her torturer, Elsbeth flees the festival but is kidnapped by Hopkins where he reveals she is the last; she alone maintains the balance witches are taught to provide for mankind. Only Elsbeth’s immortality prevents the extinction of witches, yet Hopkins vows to break the curse and kill her as a mortal.
Elsbeth must escape, prevent Hopkins from killing her a second time, and protect Andrew whom she put in danger by letting him close. If Elsbeth dies, witchcraft ends, and all that is humane and good in the world ceases. But in order to stop Hopkins, Elsbeth fears she’ll have to sacrifice her magical teachings and become the evil she hopes to prevent.
THE FLAME WARS is a completed 83,000 word contemporary fantasy novel with series potential.
First 250:
I am cursed; I was saved.
Blue smoke, thick as ash, swirls inside my body. Dropped in the dew-covered grass, I clutch my chest, roll over, and curl fetal. Hot bile stings my throat. Come on, heart, pump. Come on.
The smoke drags through me, forcing a shout, then chokes my lungs closed. One minute I’m convulsing on a gurney in New Orleans, the next I’m here—always here. Reborn in Germany after each death, twenty-five years old and still searching.
Some lifetimes I live for decades, others only a few years before . . . Either way, no one mourns me. Letting anyone close isn’t an option.
Sweat coats my scalp as pain splinters across my ribs. Not a moment too soon, the tight weight lifts and thick hazy spirals exit my body, form a cone above me, and vanish.
Come on, heart. Beat.
Frozen as a corpse, I stare at a spotted falcon circling above. I’d cry his name if I could.
Finally, oxygen rushes in, and I gasp. Shaky moans come between coughs and gags. My heart thumps as I shiver on the frigid ground while blood retraces my veins. Each death is the same. Each death is different. This time a car accident, last time a . . . I don’t recall. Time distorts my memory.
Tremors jolt my torso as my temperature normalizes. Full recovery is inevitable, but takes time. Time I don’t have.
Every inactive minute equals time lost in my search for witches.
Ahhh! The last two lines of your query are awesome! Very good way of outlining the stakes, and definitely a good way to end off.
ReplyDeleteAs for the bits before, I think it reads much better, but there may be some more wiggle room to pare down your word count. Small things to make the flow better. Like the line "Elsbeth lies about her motives..." can probably be taken out, and you could connect the "trust no one" line to intro Andrew, whom she thinks can help her.
And this line: "In fact, warlocks encounter no trouble uncovering witches under the leadership of Hopkins, Elsbeth’s old executioner, in his goal to slaughter witches for warlocks’ gain" you could pare down to "Under the leadership of Hopkins, Elsbeth's one-time? executioner, warlocks have been hunting witches in order to eliminate their threat. And Elsbeth is the last witch... Meaning..."
Those are just suggestions, but I totally think you're on the right track!
And I still have nothing to say about your 250. It's a great start to the story.
Best of luck with this!
Your query gives the stakes, which is good, but I feel like Andrew doesn’t have to be mentioned, as the mention just leads to a lot of info crammed into the space, separating Elsbeth from what she wants and what she has to overcome—making sure Hopkins is stopped so witches do not become extinct.
ReplyDeleteI like your 250, as they bring me close to the protag. There’s a ton of voice, too. I’d read further based of your first 250.
Suggestions:
This sentence- Elsbeth desperately seeks mortal witches to end the isolation which follows her through every life, every death.
You use “which” wrong. The word should be “that.”
250:
“Curl fetal” reads a bit awkward.
Your last sentence feels a bit like info-dumping. I think you could end it with the sentence “…time I don’t have.” It will create intrigue and the desire to read on. Let her show the fact that she’s a witch on a mission instead of telling it.