Title: NIGHT WITCH
Genre: Adult Historical Fiction
Word Count: 118,000
Dear Agent:
Nadya’s life is defined by very simple choices. Be a Communist, or get arrested. Marry Peter, or her parents might get arrested. Complain about Peter’s sordid parties and one-night stands, object to his job description as anonymous writer of denunciations, or…get arrested. The boundaries of proper behaviour of a good comrade are well defined, just like the sealed borders of Mother Russia herself.
By June of 1941, those boundaries are smudged beyond recognition. Nikolai has invaded her heart with his quiet strength. And the Germans have invaded the beloved Soviet Union. While Peter cowers behind the lines, Nadya and Nikolai go to them: she with the 588th Women’s Night Bomber Regiment, he with the Red Army. The long-suffering Party wife sends bombs into enemy ammunition stores and carries on her romance in letters with her Red Army lieutenant. By the time she scratches her name into the Reichstag wall, Nadya the heroic and bemedalled “Night Witch” decides she will never return to the old tyranny of life with Peter.
Tyranny is back and badder than ever. Russia’s victorious veterans must cope with famine and Stalin’s increasing paranoia against anything Western; Nadya and Nikolai face Peter’s revenge. First they flee to a town five hundred kilometres away for their lives. Now the choice becomes, stay and watch everything they fought for disappear in the secret police force’s “Black Maria” vans; or, make a run for the golden West. To stay will mean a slow death from the soul outwards. To be caught escaping is a quick death from a bullet. To Nadya and Nikolai, the choice is simple. Don’t get caught.
Complete at 118,000 words, NIGHT WITCH is adult historical fiction set in Stalin's Soviet Union. I appreciate your time in considering my work for representation.
First 250:
Part 1
Gathering Clouds
Chapter 1
I squeezed my eyes shut and rubbed my forehead, hard. Please let me be somewhere else. A sort of roar filled my ears, like rushing water inside my head.
Slowly I opened my eyes. There was the wooden floor, the door, and the tall window with the white curtains Mama was quietly proud of. The bentwood rocker stood vacant in the corner, and the man standing in front of me, staring at me with hands clasped behind his back, was still there. No, I hadn’t escaped.
I hoped that when I opened my mouth, some sort of magic words would come out that would somehow smooth over the incredible awkwardness of this situation. When I did, nothing came out, not even air. My mind was a jumble of thoughts, all of them surprised, none of them particularly pleasant. Marry Peter Petrovich Vasiltsev? Looking at him, I struggled not to frown. He had a small pointed chin and a pinched, serious mouth, and there was no warmth at all in his grey eyes. The words he’d just spoken were as emotionless as his face. “I have asked your father’s permission. He is agreeable to you becoming my wife. I hope you are as well.”
It was hard to imagine Papa agreeing to Peter Petrovich’s proposal. Each time Peter Petrovich came to our home, Papa seemed to...diminish, as though he thought himself less of a man in the presence of a man in Party uniform, and Mama babbled and laughed too loudly.
No. I liked the set up of the first paragraph in the query, but by the third it took a turn and I found it confusing. Also was left wondering how old Nadya is in the sample. Liked the title a lot though. (Entry #19)
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I really like the premise and I think I would enjoy reading a book like this, the query was not punchy enough to grab me, nor were the first 250. Perhaps less synopsis in the query? And more information about Nadya in the first 250.
#7
ReplyDeleteNo. The query reads as a short synopsis instead of a teaser that will entice me to read more. Too much information is given for me to wonder what happens next to the protagonist and her love interest.
The first 250 could use a bit of polish, though I do like the voice in this sample. The major issue I had was with the one line of dialogue, as it sounds unnatural and forced.
(Entry #13)
ReplyDeleteNo.
The query needs work. It is confusing and doesn't pull me in the way a query should. You really need to work on a hook that will grab the agent "by the balls" so to speak and make it impossible for them to stop reading.
Yes. You hooked me with the first sentence because we get stakes and time period right away. Your query could use some tightening and focus, so you need to re-work it before sending it out to agents, so it was almost a no. But then I read the 250. Your gorgeous writing won me over.
ReplyDeleteYes. I think this sounds absolutely FABULOUS. This might be another highly subjective vote, but I find this period in history so interesting. Your first 250 are gorgeous. Gorgeous.
ReplyDeleteTo tighten up your query, consider really streamlining the second and third paragraphs. As in, find a way of cutting your word count in half. Drastic, and terribly daunting I know, but I believe necessary to keep the tone of the incredible first paragraph going. You need to find a plot point to cut - I suggest looking at the wording of the third paragraph especially. You have set up your characters wonderfully and have told us how this is a historical novel in the first two paragraphs - your third seems to make it drag. I think our take away should be in a personal level with Nadya and Nikolai - facing Peter's revenge with all they've learned.
A couple specifics:
- The first three sentences of paragraph 2 could be combined for flow.
- The line "tyranny is back and badder than ever" seems out of place. Last we heard, they were victorious... it's a jarring transition.
After rereading what I just wrote, it's pretty clear I just don't like that third paragraph. Sorry! But it may be easier than you think to make this shine!
Best of luck! And overall, incredible premise and masterful character development in such a short piece!!
Cheers,
Jeannette (#6)
YES! Yes, please, and send it quickly.
ReplyDeleteI'm completely enthralled by the query: The voice, the explanation - everything. The final bit of the last 250 doesn't hook me completely, but I like everything else enough to keep reading.
I ALMOST said "yes". So close. Your 250 were written with beauty, but it wasn't quite enough to convince me to read more. Also, your query was extremely wordy and busy that it confused me by the time I got to the end. I'm not sure exactly what the book is about.
ReplyDelete#8
Yes. Your query is tough to follow though, and it almost made this a no. But I was just captivated by your clear, elegant writing in the first 250, and that made me ignore the problems I had in the query.
ReplyDeleteAbout the query:
It's not that clear that Nadya actually married Peter - I had to look hard to see whether that had happened or whether she had managed to elope with Nicolai. But which is the most important element of your hook? The political activist Nadya or the fact that she had to marry Peter?
I realize in the scope of your ms, all these things play an important role, and it's hard to see the forest for the trees when we query something so close to us (!) but I think you need to strip away all but the basic premise, the hook, the stakes, and the instigating event.
Good luck! Look forward to seeing this in print.
#20
Your second paragraph is where the meat of the query lies.
Query:
ReplyDeleteI love the starting of your query. My only concern was with your third “…get arrested.” The first two make it sound like if she isn’t a Communist married to Peter, she’ll get arrested. The third sounds like if she doesn’t complain about Peter she’ll get arrested. I assumed it’d be the opposite.
You introduced Nikolai out of the blue. I have no context for who he is or how he’s important to the story.
I’m not sure if the rest of your query was good or not because I know nothing of Soviet Russia. Most of your sentences didn’t make much sense to me. Your query is a little long, so that could be a cause, but I feel it’s more due to my lack of knowledge in the subject.
First 250:
I want to read more, despite not knowing the specifics of what’s going to happen from the query. I know what’s going on in the scene and I’m grounded. I think arranged marriages are great for fictional conflict, but also for bringing out a character’s voice and personality. Your first 250 has done all of that for me.
Verdict: No.
If I knew anything about the Soviet Union, I would’ve probably said “yes”. Your first 250 were great, but it was the query that confused me.
Good luck!
-Tiff (#3)
Yes! I absolutely love the stakes in this and can't wait to find out what happens!
ReplyDeleteTiffanie:
ReplyDelete*facepalm*
I cannot believe I didn't notice that before. You said: "My only concern was with your third “…get arrested.” The first two make it sound like if she isn’t a Communist married to Peter, she’ll get arrested. The third sounds like if she doesn’t complain about Peter she’ll get arrested. I assumed it’d be the opposite."
You're absolutely right. It was wrong and I had to read it a few times to figure that out! Thanks so much for pointing that out.
Thank you to everyone for compliments on my first 250. :)
To all who mentioned wordiness and confusion in my query...well, that's been my ball and chain throughout this whole process (probably my whole life! lol!) I sure don't disagree with you. I think I've given myself an aneurysm, but I will make it better!
I've TKO'd the third paragraph. :) It's occurred to me too, since I initially wrote this - the Night Witches were a real group of Soviet women who flew bombing and reconnaissance missions on the Eastern front against Germany during WWII. Should I mention that in my query, in the same spot I put genre, title & word count?
Thank you, again. :)
Query Revision:
ReplyDeleteNadya’s life is defined by very simple choices. Be a Communist, or get arrested. Marry Peter, or her parents might get arrested. Keep quiet about Peter’s sordid parties and one-night stands, accept his job description as anonymous writer of denunciations, or…get arrested. The boundaries of proper behaviour of a good comrade are well defined, just like the sealed borders of Mother Russia herself.
As Nadya’s heart, and her conscience, capitulate to the quiet strength of Nikolai, the stunned nation quivers before the thunderous roar of the German war machine. While Peter cowers far in the rear, Nadya and Nikolai go to the front: she with the 588th Women’s Night Bomber Regiment, he with the Red Army. The long-suffering Party wife sends bombs into enemy ammunition stores and sends love letters to her Red Army lieutenant. By the time she scratches her name into the Reichstag wall, Nadya the heroic and bemedalled “Night Witch” decides she will never return to the old tyranny of life with Peter. Peter, though, has other plans.
On the run, Nadya and Nikolai are moving targets for Peter’s vengeance. If they don’t want to end up with bullets to the head, they’ll need to lean on friends they didn’t know they had. The problem is, in the web of fear and mistrust that is the Soviet Union, they don’t know who the spiders are.
I like the concept enough to look at pages, but I feel like there are places where the query doesn't match the voice of the page. I know, this is murky, and there isn't anything really wrong with the query, but I feel like it could be tightened. I also feel like the voice should come through in the query.
ReplyDeleteI feel like this is a case for specifics. For example, they are now moving targets for Peter's vengeance. Why? What is Peter doing to try to kill them? does he have an army of alien robots chasing them?
So this is definitely a Yes, I'd look at the pages.
You've really strengthened your query a lot - congratulations!
ReplyDeleteThere are still places where I think you can clarify: the introduction of Nikolai could use a few words like "childhood sweetheart" or "another rebel" - (ok, maybe not those!) but something so put him in context right away. Also, I think the third paragraph can be shortened and combined with the second. I see what you're trying to do with the "web" and "spider" imagery, but I didn't think it worked as nicely as the rest of the query.
Congrats on the great work!
#20
I really like this new version! It definitely doesn’t read like synopsis anymore and the stakes are clear. I agree with Heather in that you should have a quick description as to who Nikolai is. As it reads now, he comes from out of nowhere and we have no idea who he is.
ReplyDeleteAlso, maybe a little rewording of the last sentence will give it a little more punch. Instead of “The problem is, in the web of fear and mistrust that is the Soviet Union, they don’t know who the spiders are,” try something like, “The problem is, they don’t know who the spiders are in the web of fear and mistrust that is the Soviet Union.” I don’t know if I like the spider/web metaphor, but it works. That’s a totally subjective opinion on my part.
I’d want to read more from this query because I do love history and a good romance story in the mist of real events is something I could never pass up. :)
Thank you for your comments. I'll return the favour, but not today - it's been a tough one. :)
ReplyDelete