Genre: Contemporary MG
Word Count: 45,000
Dear Agent,
Evan is a shy latchkey kid, living a lonely existence by day, but having thrilling adventures at night. He’s a lucid dreamer and his dreams are all his own. In them he’s a hero, a pirate, a star athlete and popular. He controls everything, until a girl his age starts showing up and inserting herself as starring roles in his dreams.
He gets a chance to put a name with the face when he meets Lavender, the girl who just moved into the apartment below his. He’s furious when Lavender shows up at school, in his class. Except Lavender is the first person to try and include him. She’s a lucid dreamer too and thinks the adventures they can have together would be amazing.
When Evan and his mother learn that Lavender’s mother is terminally ill, the two dreamers are forced together, destined to be friends. And they overcome things in their dreams--and in life--they hadn’t thought possible.
First 250:
The snow was perfect for snowboarding--powdery and blindingly, perfectly white. Of course it was just the way Evan preferred. He could perform all of his tricks with ease. Each jump he attempted was more difficult than the one before. He reached the last jump of the hill and he launched himself up with confidence, grabbing the board and flipping and turning and landing perfectly. He skidded to a stop and waved to the group of older boys who had gathered to watch him with admiration.
This moment always felt like a million bucks, even though Evan had lived in it a dozen times before. This time, he would talk to the boys. He had never tried that before. And they would like him. They might invite him to drink cocoa with them or to try a gnarly new course. He hadn’t had the courage before tonight, even though he knew, in the conscious part of his brain, that they would be impressed with him and kind, because that’s how he had imagined them.
When he unstrapped his board and walked toward them, pants swishing, the boys seemed to move further away, the stretch of white snow expanding until he could barely make out their forms. It was frustrating in the way dreams are often frustrating. Always when you need to scream or run, you can’t.
Evan brushed it off. Next time he found himself in this situation, he would find a way to approach the boys. For now, he could do the run again.
Hmm. No.
ReplyDeleteGood query, but wheres the logline? Be sure to include the title, word count, and genre. Interesting premise.
I'm not really familiar with MG, but is the writing a bit advanced for middle graders? First 250 didn't hook me.
Yes.
ReplyDeleteThe query isn't as tight as I'd like, but I find the premise interesting. Your first 250 have some moments that are really great, but you tend to rely on verbs of being instead of verbs of doing. There were some places where you could also tighten up "further away" probably doesn't need the further (also, it's a physical distance so it would be farther, but that's splitting hairs and all). Still, I'd be interested to see where things were going and how this settled into the story.
(Entry #13)
ReplyDeleteI'm going to say no.
While I like your idea, it just didn't have the BANG I was hoping for.
Both the query and the first 250 sound older than MG. I have no sense of the character's age: The query made me think 13 or so, but the voice is too adult (and both are too old for MG). I also think the writing could be cleaned up a bit.
ReplyDeleteThe idea is interesting, but it just doesn't grab me. I would say no.
#21 No. It felt a lot older than MG and again it doesn't clearly define the stakes or what they have to overcome to get there.
ReplyDeleteInteresting, but it didn't grab me. Why is he living a lonely life? I don't have a good grasp of who Evan is. Try going over your hook and starting with the lucid dreaming. The problem is brought in way too late. #10
ReplyDeleteNo. I liked the concept but i don't see how Lavender's mother being ill forces them together and why he is alone. The writing in the first 250 was good but the concept didn't draw me in.(#18)
ReplyDeleteQuery:
ReplyDeleteYou’ve written a very clear and concise query. I have a few suggestions/edits, which I’ll list below:
-“…showing up and inserting herself as starring roles…” should be “inserting herself into starring roles”. Into a role makes more sense than as a role to me.
-Why include “…and his mother…” when she hasn’t played a role in the rest of the query? I think it should just be “When Evan learns that Lavender’s mother…”
-You do have a bit of a vague/clichéd ending, but I don’t mind those. Others might.
Overall, great query. I have no idea what the MG market looks like, though, so I’m not sure if this is a new idea that could sell. Maybe find someone who knows and run it by them.
First 250:
I’ve always believed that voice was the most important thing in MG. Your first 250 lack voice. Or, well, they have a voice, but it’s not very child-like. Some of the sayings (“felt like a million bucks”) seemed out of place, along with some words (“gnarly”). The content is good, but you need to find your inner ten to twelve-year-old.
Verdict: No.
Your query was decent, but your first 250 words lack what I believe is essential in MG. Spice both of them up and they’ll be a lot better.
Good luck!
-Tiff (#3)
Yes. I think the premise is adorable. I take issue with the fact that the stakes aren't laid out in the query, but I like it enough to be willing to wait and find out.
ReplyDeleteUnlike many others, I though the opening dream sequence was fine for MG. This is a kid dreaming about being older, and so of course he's going to have a dream that involves older kids liking him and accepting him.The comments you've received about voice might be addressed simply by using more of the language he might use conversationally - for example, instead of "Evan preferred", what is another way of saying what someone WANTS or WISHES FOR?
ReplyDeleteInstead of " He could perform all of his tricks with ease. Each jump he attempted was more difficult than the one before.", again what do kids MG age boys say when they're comparing themselves to each other (which they do with every breath in their bodies, ALL THE TIME!)
I actually love this premise and if I had more "yes" votes, I'd give this a yes.
You do have some issues with your query, which have been addressed in other comments, so I wont' belabor the point.
Good luck!
#20
REVISION!
ReplyDeleteQUERY
Eleven-year-old Evan is a cabin boy turned pirate, a champion skateboarder, and a dragon-riding knight, but only in his lucid dreams. Every night he goes on any adventure he can imagine. During the day, life is bleaker. He's endlessly shy and has no friends. His mother is his only family, and she works all the time to be able to afford their apartment.
His dreams are his escape. Or they were until a girl his age starts showing up and inserting herself as starring roles in his dreams.
He gets a chance to put a name with the face when he meets Lavender, the girl who just moved into the apartment below his. He’s furious when Lavender shows up at school, in his class. Except Lavender is the first person to try and include him. She’s a lucid dreamer too and thinks the adventures they can have together would be amazing.
Evan learns that Lavender's mother is terminally ill when his mom starts watching her after school every day. He's forced to give her a chance and step up and be the hero in their own story. He has to let her in to his life and accept her presence in his dreams. And in doing so, he and Lavender conquer more adventures and survive more hardship than he ever would have thought possible.
FIRST 250
As Evan drifted back off to sleep he felt the rhythmic rocking of a ship at sea. Though in this dream he was a lowly cabin boy, adventure awaited. The sea air was cold and ran right through his torn salty clothes. He swabbed the deck, his eyes on the horizon. He saw what the lookout missed: a pirate ship off the port side. As the cabin boy he was mistreated and taken for granted. He didn’t call “sail ho!” as he would if he wanted to earn the respect of the other men on the HMS Seahawk. Not today. Today he stealthily put down his rag and tip-toed below decks where he knew the crew kept His Majesty’s gold, hard earned by their importing and exporting of tea and exotic spices. He had to be careful not to make a sound on the creaky wooden steps.
Evan, though slight for his age in real life, was strong and hale and hardy in this dream. He had to make himself small as he squeezed into the small compartment in the cargo bay. It was dark down here and his eyes took a moment to adjust. The lookout must have seen the pirate ship because Evan could hear a great scuffle above on the decks, shouting and the captain ordering the cannons to be loaded and fired. The men who were resting below deck were now being called up to action and they ran past Evan without seeing him.
Evan filled a two large burlap sacks with shiny gold dubloons and lugged them up, semi-hidden in his coat just in time to see the ships entangled, the pirates swinging on board from ropes.