Genre: Adult Fantasy
Word Count: 130,000
Dear Agent,
Sailors call it the "Never Land." Faeries call it "Gjaebyth." For James, it becomes the setting of an adventure that will change his life forever.
After James Lamport stows away on his uncle’s ship, he finds himself on an uncharted island in the midst of a pirate crew. The new queen of the island’s dying race of faeries struggles to appease her divided population, and finds in James both a willing ambassador and an unexpected friend. Soon, however, friendship turns to forbidden love, and the consequences it brings will alter the identity of the island, its people, and James himself.
Exposing the human journey behind the well-known story of Peter Pan, CAPTAIN takes us on an adventure through a brand-new world to learn the real facts behind the rise of Captain James Hook and to decide for ourselves who really is the villain of the tale. Think Gregory Maguire with less talking Animals.
This is the first book of a proposed trilogy. I have already started work on the second installment: LOST BOY.
Thanks for your time and consideration!
First 250:
James Lamport was going to sea.
As he strode toward the London Docks, he couldn’t help but smile.
He was going to see it. The world. All of it.
All he had to do was ask his Uncle Argo.
He drew more than a few second glances as he walked onto the docks, his pressed waistcoat a stark contrast to the working men’s attire around him, but he paid them no mind. The bustling stevedores, the barrels of pickled herring from the North Sea, the merchants selling tobacco and pearls and shrunken heads – this was what excited him. He inhaled the tangy scent of filth and fish and his heart quickened.
Now he had to find Argo. The sailor’s ship had just come in, and James would make certain he was on it the next time it went out.
“Oi lad – catch!”
James was struck in the face with a burlap sack that smelled like something dragged up from the bottom of the river.
The booming voice spoke again: “Come to carry me laundry?”
He looked up and saw his portly uncle standing a few feet off with his pipe in his mouth, a second pack thrown over his shoulder.
“Uncle Argo!” They both dropped their bags and embraced one another. James felt his uncle’s pipe nick his ear, and his thick beard chaff against his cheek. His uncle smelled of brine and seaweed covered up by exotic perfumes from the Tropics. “It’s so good to see you!”
No.
ReplyDeleteThe word count is too long. I have a huge soft spot for faeries, so I did consider saying yes. The third paragraph is all telling--everything in that paragraph should show through the actual query. The stakes are unclear. Tell me that the novel is the first in a possible series. Don't include that you're writing the second book. You might as well not. If you pick up an agent, the first book may change so much in the editing process that you will have to completely change the plot. You're better off investing time elsewhere while querying.
First 250 didn't hook me.
(Entry #13)
ReplyDeleteNo.
This is a tad long for the first book of a trilogy. Most authors have their first book shorter and gradually get higher in word count. You're starting out pretty high.
(I disagree with the previous comment about your sequel. Keep writing)
Though you can cut this word count, and it would be better.
Overall though, I just wasn't grabbed into story, Which is why I am saying No.
No, but I really wanted to say yes. I couldn't for a few reasons. First, there was a lot about telling me what the story is about instead of the actual story. I understand that it's the story of Hook, which is awesome...but not what the major stakes were for him. I just don't understand the connection between the fairy queen and everything else. Can this book be a standalone? Maybe say this book has series potential so that it seems like it could stand on it's own. In your first 250, I really like your voice. I like your writing style.
ReplyDeleteYes! Honestly, even after reading the other comments and mulling them over, I'm not sure I understand them.
ReplyDeleteYour query is short and effective, imho, and gives us knowledge of the stakes, characters, and setting all at once. Your first 250 words aren't super thrilling... but it's only the first 250 words! I love the introduction we get to James, his uncle, and their relationship. Honestly, I think the balance between telling and showing moves the story right along - not too much complicated backstory, not too much over-the-top drama. You completely hooked me, and I completely want to read James's adventure.
One comment I do agree with though, is perhaps James's adventure is a little too long. You might want to take an ax and cop 20K so you don't get automatically rejected based on word count.
Great work and good luck! I want to read this!
Cheers,
Jeannette (#6)
I'm a little torn on this. I tend to be a sucker for reinvented fairy tales, and I like the opening. But the word count might scare me off. If I only get 3 picks, I'd have to say no.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to have to give this a no. Word count is too high, and the opening hook was missing something. Also, just mention that it has 'series potential.' #10
ReplyDeleteWell, after reading all the entries and commenting on most, I'm back (I've already commented above). I just wanted to say that this is by far my favourite query/opening page combo of the bunch (including my own, darn!) I'm not just out to stroke your ego, but rather want to point out to everyone how subjective this entire business is. What obviously works for me as a reader and pretend agent, may not work for others.
ReplyDeleteNothing about getting a foot in is easy, but we all knew that right? This contest has made me realize, again, that it's not only the quality of the query/pages (of course they're huge), but also about the stars aligning and having the right person read your work at the right time.
Oh, and PS. Don't "cop" 20K as I suggest above... that sounds icky. I meant chop. :)
#16. No, though I really really wish I could say yes. I think why has already been covered up above. I can handle a long book, but I think you focus on the wrong things in your query. If you have others in the series, awesome. They're also irrelevant. Also, I know this is an adult novel, but I get the feeling James is a kid, maybe a teenager. If he's a young MC, it's probably not adult.
ReplyDeleteYes,
ReplyDeleteI thought the take on Hook was interesting and I am a sucker for re-imagined tales.
I did feel as though it read more like a YA, That he is going to beg his uncle to let him on the ship but I am pretty sure that is me. I didn't get a true sense of age for the character, but I liked the writing.
I would at least ask for more pages. Good job.! (entry 18)
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI have to say YES here!! I love fairy tale re-tellings and I think you have a really unique concept here! I would love to get James' side of the story! I think that the query is done well and really hooked me. The first 250 are a good start too! Yes, I think I'm in love with your story, not just because it's a re-telling, but also because I love pirates and pirate adventures!
ReplyDeleteThe word count is a little high, yes, but with the world building you would have to do with a concept like this, I don't know if I would mind. Great job overall!! I hope you find an agent so that I can gobble this book up :))
Good luck!
#14
Yes! What a great premise - really unique idea. I agree with many of the previous comments - word count too high, sounds like it might be more YA than adult. Also - about the whether-this-is-a-series piece: agents seem to be down on the idea of trilogies these days, I see many blogging/tweeting about how publishers are "over" trilogies. That said, you must write what's in your heart - and if the sequel is there, please do write. When it's good, the rules seem to bend. :) Also, small point- I would lose the exclamation mark at the end of "time and consideration".
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
#20
Yes! I would read this in a heartbeat. And adult fantasy is not even my thing normally. ;) For some reason I was feeling a bit daunted not by the word count alone but that plus the combo of you working on a sequel. It would make me worry that you were way overwriting the story. The opening felt a little choppy. Breaking it up how you did seemed like you were trying hard to give each line weight, but I think they would still read well all in one paragraph. Good luck with this! #17
ReplyDeleteQuery:
ReplyDeleteBy mentioning Never Land in the first sentence, I know it’s got something to do with Peter Pan, so I already want to know more.
The rest of your query makes sense and I can see what’s happening at the start, but I have no idea what your character’s main conflict is as you get kind of vague at the end. Give us more details and drag us into the story.
I would cut the mention of this being a trilogy. Your book is already 130,000 words. You’re going to have trouble as it is as a debut author. Some will also suggest cutting some of the details you give us along with the title (make sure you mention genre and word count in there, too), but I personally didn’t mind it.
Overall, I’m willing to move to your first pages, but I think your query would benefit from more detail.
First 250:
Not a bad opening. We know what your MC’s goal is already, which is good. You have voice and have established a bit of the character already. I would continue reading at this point.
Verdict: Yes.
I would probably request a partial from this, even though your query could use some more details. That’s the benefit of a retelling. I have a question, though: what’s James’s age? You say this is adult, though I’m imagining him at around the age of 17 or 18 from his voice in the first 250.
Good luck!
-Tiff (#3)
No, sorry. I think you have an interesting idea here that readers can relate to, but I felt rather indifferent about the first 250 words.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the comments everyone! I didn't have much time to look at revising too in-depth, but this is what has come out of it at this point: (Also I did some chopping to the overall word count. A LOT of chopping. Yay!)
ReplyDeleteQuery:
Sailors call it the “Never Land.” Faeries call it “Gjaebyth.” For James, it becomes the setting for an adventure that will change his life forever.
James is tired of having life dictated to him. At twenty years old, he wants to be his own man. He wants to see the world and all that it has to offer. Stowing away on his uncle’s ship, however, he leaves London behind only to find himself on an uncharted island in the midst of a pirate crew.
After escaping inland, he discovers a race of faeries and befriends their queen. Soon, friendship turns to forbidden love, with the penalty of death if they are discovered. James wants her to run away with him, but she is beholden to her people. Now he must decide if their love is worth giving up on his dream and risking his life entirely. The consequences of this choice will change his world forever.
CAPTAIN, a YA fantasy for which I am seeking representation, is complete at 108,000 words. Exposing the human journey behind the well-known story of Peter Pan, CAPTAIN takes us on an adventure through a brand-new world to learn the real facts behind the rise of Captain James Hook and to decide for ourselves who really is the villain of the tale. Think Gregory Maguire with less talking Animals. This book has series potential.
First 250:
James Lamport was going to sea.
As he strode toward the London Docks, he couldn’t help but smile. He was going to see it. The world. All of it.
All he had to do was ask his Uncle Argo. The sailor’s ship had just come in, and James would make certain he was on it the next time it went out.
He drew more than a few second glances as he walked onto the docks, his pressed waistcoat a stark contrast to the working men’s attire around him, but he paid them no mind. The bustling stevedores, the barrels of pickled herring from the North Sea, the merchants selling tobacco and pearls and shrunken heads – this was what excited him. He inhaled the tangy scent of filth and fish and his heart quickened.
“Oi lad – catch!”
James was struck in the face with a burlap sack that smelled like something dragged up from the bottom of the river.
The booming voice spoke again: “Come to carry me laundry?”
He looked up and saw his portly uncle standing a few feet off with his pipe in his mouth, a second pack thrown over his shoulder.
I like the additional detail about your MC, but I do think it could be tightened. I know you said you didn't have much time to spend revising, so when you can, I suggest one more whack at the second paragraph. While it adds a good flavor of James' motivation for leaving his life in London, it's a bit repetitive. Also, this sentence can be tightened as well: "Stowing away on his uncle’s ship, however, he leaves London behind only to find himself..."
ReplyDeleteI have always loved your first 250!
Good luck.
#20
A much cleaner version, and I liked it to begin with! The only suggestion I have is for the last couple of lines: "Now he must decide if their love is worth giving up on his dream and risking his life entirely." <-- I think this could be more dramatic. Something like "If he chooses to stay for love, his dream of seeing the world is over. And his very life may be too." or "If he chooses to stay for love, he'll be bound to the island forever, surrounded by locals who want to kill him." (...or, you know, something dramatic but not melodramatic like my suggestions. I'm tired.)
ReplyDelete"The consequences of this choice will change his world forever." <-- I think this could be taken out.
Still want to read this!
I really love this story and would definitely read it! I like how you’ve pared down the word count. This will prevent a few automatic no’s from agents who might shy away simply because of that.
ReplyDeleteThe voice in the first 250 is amazing. You put me right there on the docks with James and his uncle. So good!
Some comments:
Query:
This sentence- “He wants to see the world and all that it has to offer.” Omit “that.” It’s not necessary and disrupts the flow.
This sentence- “The consequences of this choice will change his world forever.” I honestly think the previous sentence is enough and adds punch. This is vague and feels like an unnecessary add-on.
Your 250 was so good that I didn’t even line edit. Great voice and awesome description.