Genre: High Fantasy
Word Count: Work In Progress
Dear Agent:
In Mithos, where white magic is fueled by purity and black magic by passion, True Love is known as the Intolerable Sin. It’s the darkest, most corrupt source of magic in the world. The punishment: a quick death.
Martia is a Love Child, born out of True Love. She spent her entire life in the Academy, isolated from regular society. But now that she’s graduated, Martia is out in the real world, doing what the Academy trained her to do: assassinate those who’ve committed the Intolerable Sin.
Then Martia meets Narin, the oldest son of Mithos’s empress. The beautiful, courteous man draws her attention like no other—and when their eyes meet, the world stands still. Martia refuses to commit the Intolerable Sin. True Love’s Kiss alone could level an army. But as Martia draws closer to Narin, her choice must be made—kill Narin as she was trained to do, or give into the black magic and risk everything.
Complete at XXX, TAINTED LOVE is a stand-alone high fantasy with strong romantic elements. I have included the XXX in the body of this email.
First 250:
The streets of Yuin are no place for love.
I creep through the shadows, the clack of my boots muffled and unheard. I wear all black in a city of tan stone, bright glass murals and strips of crimson fabric. Even at night, Yuin is never dark.
A giggling couple stumble into the alley. The man leans toward the woman, his voice low and teasing. Her giggles grow to a squealing chuckle. She clutches her sides, bunching up the flowing layers of orange, pink and purple that makes up her long pleated dress. The man’s grin is wide enough to crack his face. She reaches for his hand—
She sees me.
Her laughter cuts off and fear streaks through her wine-glazed eyes. She tries to stand straight, but wobbles. The man frowns at her. She grasps his hand and leans close.
“It’s one of Them.”
The man turns and freezes when he sees me. For a moment, all is still and silent, except for the distant music of viheulas and bongo drums.
The couple is attractive with dark hair and honey-colored skin. Mithoian by birth, then. To an ordinary person, they’d look like two drunk lovers, returning from a late night street festival. But I see differently. Surrounding them is a twisting maroon aura, tinted with gray edges. Black magic.
I step forward with an easy smile.
The woman whimpers. “Please don’t kill us.”
Word Count: Work In Progress
Dear Agent:
In Mithos, where white magic is fueled by purity and black magic by passion, True Love is known as the Intolerable Sin. It’s the darkest, most corrupt source of magic in the world. The punishment: a quick death.
Martia is a Love Child, born out of True Love. She spent her entire life in the Academy, isolated from regular society. But now that she’s graduated, Martia is out in the real world, doing what the Academy trained her to do: assassinate those who’ve committed the Intolerable Sin.
Then Martia meets Narin, the oldest son of Mithos’s empress. The beautiful, courteous man draws her attention like no other—and when their eyes meet, the world stands still. Martia refuses to commit the Intolerable Sin. True Love’s Kiss alone could level an army. But as Martia draws closer to Narin, her choice must be made—kill Narin as she was trained to do, or give into the black magic and risk everything.
Complete at XXX, TAINTED LOVE is a stand-alone high fantasy with strong romantic elements. I have included the XXX in the body of this email.
First 250:
The streets of Yuin are no place for love.
I creep through the shadows, the clack of my boots muffled and unheard. I wear all black in a city of tan stone, bright glass murals and strips of crimson fabric. Even at night, Yuin is never dark.
A giggling couple stumble into the alley. The man leans toward the woman, his voice low and teasing. Her giggles grow to a squealing chuckle. She clutches her sides, bunching up the flowing layers of orange, pink and purple that makes up her long pleated dress. The man’s grin is wide enough to crack his face. She reaches for his hand—
She sees me.
Her laughter cuts off and fear streaks through her wine-glazed eyes. She tries to stand straight, but wobbles. The man frowns at her. She grasps his hand and leans close.
“It’s one of Them.”
The man turns and freezes when he sees me. For a moment, all is still and silent, except for the distant music of viheulas and bongo drums.
The couple is attractive with dark hair and honey-colored skin. Mithoian by birth, then. To an ordinary person, they’d look like two drunk lovers, returning from a late night street festival. But I see differently. Surrounding them is a twisting maroon aura, tinted with gray edges. Black magic.
I step forward with an easy smile.
The woman whimpers. “Please don’t kill us.”
Yes. I find the premise of this story very intriguing with the MC being the product of something she must kill/stop, although I am concerned having it as a work in progress wouldn't garner a real agent's request. Also, I'd trim out the cliche elements from the query, such as the world standing still when they look at one another. (Entry #19)
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteYes, yes, yes.
Great premise, awesome query, wonderful first line, and, oh man, the writing. Love it.
Yes. It's an interesting premise. I would, however, revise the third paragraph of your query, eliminating the "world standing still" cliche and using more specific adjectives to show how the man is "beautiful" and "courteous".
ReplyDeleteNo. The query is tight, and you have a very unique premise, but I didn't feel grounded in the 250 word scene. I hope you keep working on this because I believe there's a wonderful gem here.
ReplyDeleteYes. I love your premise, and your query letter is great. I feel like your first page could be stronger. There's something about it that's disconnected, and I think it's the first line (funny how we have all moved to this striking first line thing lately). I really like the premise, but I do feel like your first page could be reworked so the wording of some sentences isn't as awkward. Still, I'd look to see if you settled out of the opening page jitters (though I suspect yours might be a first draft still, and I totally understand that!).
ReplyDelete(Entry #13)
ReplyDeleteYES.
I was drawn in right from the start. You've already been able to give a glimpse into a very unique world, and it is very captivating. This is going to be wonderful once polished.
#7
ReplyDeleteYes! Loved the query and really, really loved the first 250. You take me right into the scene while giving me a glimpse of who Martia is. Great voice! The query made me want to read more and the first 250 made me mad because there was no more to read. I so want to read this book!
This is going to be the dreaded: "it's just not for me" vote. Your query and first 250 are excellent (especially the query), but I'm voting No only because this reminds me so much of the Dilerium trilogy. If I was only critiquing the quality of the query and first words, it would be a yes, but since I'm pretending to be an agent, my vote is No.
ReplyDeleteThis will be the most frustrating No you get - but it's realistic in querying, right? :)
Best of luck with this!
Jeannette (#6)
The opening paragraph of the query threw me a little - my first thought was that a love child would also be put to death. I had to go back and re-read it.
ReplyDeleteAfter looking at the whole thing: Yes. The voice is interesting, the opening line is great, and the premise is intriguing.
A yes for me. While your query did have some cliches ("world stands still", "level an army") and vagueness ("risk everything") and the 3rd paragraph could use some tightening, I'm a sucker for a love story and am intrigued by the premise. I liked what I read in your query to move on to the 250, which were written beautifully. I actually liked the setup and the opening line. You set the location and w/in those 250 words, I knew exactly what was going on and Martia's role.
ReplyDelete(Entry #8)
#21 Sorry but it's a no. I think this is a great idea. The Query has a lot of names in an I think you made need to simplify a little and stay with the ones most important. Two many references that I wasn't sure spurred the story along. The couple is attractive for example. I think with she tightening and a little less, it will be really good.
ReplyDeleteNo for me. Interesting premise and some very nice lines in your first 250, but I found myself being skeptical of the immediate inference that passion = true love.
ReplyDeleteYou probably address that issue in the first chapter, but unfortunately that's where you lost me.
Good luck with this!
#20
This is a no for me simply because it's a WIP. Intriguing premise, though.
ReplyDeleteCan you please reconsider your vote? :) This contest is open to all WIPs and it's only to test queries and the first 250. So if your vote is a No just because it's a WIP, and because WIPs are allowed... ya know? ;)
DeleteI vote yes! I was really drawn in by the query and love the premise. While I'm not a huge fan of stories in present tense, I do really like the first 250 words (especially the last line). Great writing!
ReplyDelete