Genre: YA Fantasy
Word count: 78,000
Dear (Agent's Name),
Saekina is used to waking up covered in blood. Fighting off demons does that to a girl.
When Saekina was two-years-old, the first demon—Rippus—attacked her. With each new attack came the lashing words from her grandmother: hell spawn. She’s prayed to the gods to save her from the Rippuses and heard nothing. She’s resorted to a life of solitude, hiding away in the city; it's easier than having everyone she loves die.
Then Saekina meets three others facing the same danger. For the first time in years, she has friends. They’re hers, and she isn't about to let anyone hurt them, demon or not. They set out through the city of Dennin, scouring libraries and questioning thugs, seeking answers as to who's sending the Rippuses after them.
Then Saekina gets dragged into the middle of a hidden war between the gods. Worse, she learns her own patron goddess has been sending the Rippuses after them. Her blades are ready, but even those might not be enough against the gods. She’s not so sure she and her friends can take on the immortal gods and survive.
ALL IS DARK is a 78,000 word young adult fantasy with crossover appeal and series potential. It is my third finished manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.
First 250:
Saekina sleep-walked through life: wake up, hop the tram to the closest bounty hunter office, find a target, spy, sell the info, and hopefully have enough money to eat more than one meal.
She didn’t have friends; she had acquaintances, if even that.
After tonight, she’d have enough money to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner for days. The bountiers will fight over this info, she thought.
Saekina crept toward the dented door hidden in the filth. The lone light orb illuminated the alley, not that there was anything worth seeing. The dumpsters overflowed with rotting food and used magical charms.
She brushed a strand of dark hair behind her ear. Even at this time of night, the heat clung to her skin, creating a layer of sweat. She cast a few furtive glances towards the end of the alley: no sign that anyone had been there.
Saekina lugged the door open; the warped wood fit tightly into its frame. She winced at the scraping noise it made as it opened. Her sleeve started to slide down her arm. She adjusted one of the dark red wraps around her sleeve, the only hint of color in her otherwise brown outfit. Well, those and her boots. She should ditch those. She stood out like Were wearing shoes.
The hotel owner shuffled by, his almost feline features giving him a Moragwar look. "Ah, it's you again,” he said. She slipped him the usual payment.
“We good?” she asked.
He counted the money. "Yeah, yeah. As long as the money keeps coming."
She didn’t have friends; she had acquaintances, if even that.
After tonight, she’d have enough money to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner for days. The bountiers will fight over this info, she thought.
Saekina crept toward the dented door hidden in the filth. The lone light orb illuminated the alley, not that there was anything worth seeing. The dumpsters overflowed with rotting food and used magical charms.
She brushed a strand of dark hair behind her ear. Even at this time of night, the heat clung to her skin, creating a layer of sweat. She cast a few furtive glances towards the end of the alley: no sign that anyone had been there.
Saekina lugged the door open; the warped wood fit tightly into its frame. She winced at the scraping noise it made as it opened. Her sleeve started to slide down her arm. She adjusted one of the dark red wraps around her sleeve, the only hint of color in her otherwise brown outfit. Well, those and her boots. She should ditch those. She stood out like Were wearing shoes.
The hotel owner shuffled by, his almost feline features giving him a Moragwar look. "Ah, it's you again,” he said. She slipped him the usual payment.
“We good?” she asked.
He counted the money. "Yeah, yeah. As long as the money keeps coming."
I ALMOST SAID YES. But that last line. Why?!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, but it's a no.
Very promising query, but the last line is so anti-climactic. What is she going to do to get out of her situation. I want to hear about her going to kick that goddess' butt, not her saying that she will probably die! Also, you don't need to mention how many manuscripts you've written. It's irrelevant.
The first 250 could have been stronger, though the world does seem interesting and magical.
Yes.
ReplyDeleteThe hook of your query sufficiently hooked me!
I do agree with the previous comment, though, that you don't need to list how many things you've written.
(Entry #13)
ReplyDeleteYes.
Your query is well done and grabs my attention. You could do to take a few non-essentials out, but it was good. I liked your first 250, and could def. sit and read more.
I agree with the first comment. Take out the last sentence in the query and it leaves a much bigger impression.
ReplyDeleteWhile I can't put my finger on what's missing in both your excerpt and query, something is, for me. Perhaps this is only a case of subjectivity. There isn't anything that wants me to read on, but overall it reads clean and there are no glaring errors.
Sorry I can't be more helpful here! I wish you all the best, but my vote would be No for this one.
Cheers,
Jeannette (#6)
No. I feel like this is something I've read before :)
ReplyDelete#16. Yes. Your hook is enticing, and it makes me want to read more.
ReplyDeleteNo. I feel the same as the first comment.
ReplyDeleteNo. Really interesting idea, but I think the query is a tough read.
ReplyDeleteYou might consider starting with your 4th paragraph - this is the meat of your hook. Saekina's own patron goddess has been throwing demons at her since she was born and now she's is in the middle of a war between the gods. Why? Why did her goddess throw demons at her?
Consider stripping back the language overall -- it feels a little repetitive.
Your first 250 are much stronger than the query - I love your writing - very atmospheric. Conquer the query issues and I think you've got a great submission.
Good luck!
#20
I'm sorry, but I have to pass on this one. I think the concept is interesting, but the query is all over the place. You named a lot of characters here and that got pretty confusing. I agree that the last line should be taken off of the query. But, I don't agree with the above comments about mentioning other work being completed. I have read many agents replies to queries that mention other completed work and they say they like to see that because they know you are dedicated to working hard in this industry.
ReplyDeleteI actually like the first 250. I think that the bounty hunter thing is interesting. I hope this helps some. Good luck querying!!
#14
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI'm going with No, but I loved the hook! I just got a little confused and bogged down in the detail of the next paragraph. Specifically I was confused about what her grandmother had to do with it. I think with a bit of polishing this'll be super solid!
ReplyDelete(#17)
Query:
ReplyDeleteI think you can cut most of the backstory in the start out. It’s good to know she’s been attacked her whole life, but I don’t think the grandmother really matters. Keep her solitude lifestyle info, too, but try to get to meet her first three friends faster.
I was a little shocked by the introduction of the gods. Maybe you could find a better way to bring them up. Also, I don’t know why the gods care about these kids or what the consequences of their war means. I need these to understand the stakes.
Overall, it’s a decent start. With some focus, it could be great.
First 250:
Things I would cut:
-“She didn’t have friends…” is randomly inserted in here. I don’t think it belongs.
-In “…this info, she thought” delete the “she thought”. It doesn’t add anything and pulls a reader out of the story.
-the semi-colons. While they may be grammatically correct, they’re not used often in creative writing (or, at least none of the books I’ve ever read)
Everything else was fine (except for the Were wearing shoes part, which I didn’t get). But I don’t really know what’s happening. She’s paying some guy some money for some unknown reason. I would need a few more pages to decide if I like this or not.
Verdict: No.
Your query needs some work and the first 250 didn’t draw me in.
Good luck!
-Tiff (#3)
No, sorry. The query is confusing and I didn't connect to the writing. I'm also not entirely sure what's at stake here.
ReplyDeleteRevision ( '__' are thoughts since I can't italicize):
ReplyDeleteSeventeen year-old Saekina is used to waking up covered in blood. Fighting off demons does that to a girl.
When Saekina was two years old, the first demon—or Rippus—attacked her. Each new attack brings back the lashing words of her grandmother: hell spawn. She’s prayed to the gods to save her from the Rippuses and heard nothing. She’s resorted to a life of solitude, hiding in the city of Dennin; it's easier than having everyone she loves die.
Then Saekina meets three others facing the same demons. For the first time in years, she has friends. They’re hers, and she isn't about to let anyone hurt them, demon or not. They scour libraries and question thugs, seeking answers as to who's sending the Rippuses after them.
Their search drags them into the middle of a hidden war between the gods. Even worse is when Saekina discovers who's sending the Rippuses: her own patron goddess.
Saekina’s blades are ready, but she doesn’t know if she can kill an immortal. Maybe not, but she can maim them.
First 250:
Saekina sleep-walked through life: wake up, hop the tram to the closest bounty hunter office, find a target, spy, sell the info, and hopefully have enough money to eat more than one meal.
After tonight, she’d have enough money to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner for days. 'The bountiers will fight over this info.'
Saekina crept toward a dented door hidden in the filth. The lone light orb illuminated the alley, not that there was anything worth seeing. The dumpsters overflowed with rotting food and used magical charms.
She brushed a strand of dark hair behind her ear. Even at this time of night, the heat clung to her skin, creating a layer of sweat. She cast a few furtive glances towards the end of the alley: no sign that anyone had been there.
Saekina lugged the door open; the warped wood fit tightly into its frame. She winced at the scraping noise as it opened.
The hotel owner shuffled by, his almost feline features giving him a Moragwar look. "Ah, it's you again,” he said. She slipped him the usual payment.
“We good?”
He counted the money. "Yeah, yeah. As long as the money keeps coming." He handed her a key from under the counter. "Room seven. You have half an hour until they arrive."
She forced herself to smile at him. 'Smiling is good for business.' "Nice working with you." He wouldn't rat her out to her targets; her spying business was profitable for them both. He’d invested a lot in making his hotel safe for less than legal operations, plenty of back entrances and large vents.
I love your hook, but then had a hard time following the query. Maybe it was all the proper nouns that were foreign, but I started to lose track of people and places. I do like the premise, but I think you could delete the whole second paragraph and focus on the main protagonist and her three friends, as that’s what seems to be the meat of the story. Also, it seems you’re giving away the climax (her patron goddess sending the demons), which makes me feel like I already know what will happen.
ReplyDeleteI love the voice in your 250. I get a good sense of who the protag is and where she’s at. Based off your first page, I would definitely read more because I already like your protagonist. However, maybe try to get your query more focused, leaving out the backstory of the second paragraph and the patron goddess. Follow the formula of who is the protag + what does she/he want + what stands in the way of that + what will happen if protag doesn’t overcome the obstacle. Queries are harder to write than the ms sometimes, especially when writing fantasy. :)