Title: RUST&BLUE
Genre: NA Magical Realism
Word Count: 71,000 words
Dear Ms. or Mr. Agent:
Nineteen-year-old Charlie Reid’s life is her beehives and the quilted patchwork of fields around her Aunt Em’s Montana farm, until a summer storm blows through, leaving behind broken shingles… and a stranger. Naveen, whose tattoos only compete with his furious guitar-playing for most aggressive leave-me-the-fuck-alone honors, is a Shaken: someone god took personal issue with before severing their heart, mind, or soul from their body. Naveen has lost his heart, quite literally, and his curse is to forever wander in search of it.
Charlie has dreaded seeing another Shaken ever since her mother died ten years ago, but she sees Naveen as an opportunity to make sense of the viciousness and sorrow she remembers from her childhood. So when Naveen leaves town, Charlie goes with him, hoping to atone for mistakes she made long ago.
They follow tumbleweeds through bright yellow alfalfa fields, warm, red farmhouses, and violent, violet nights, until they track down a widow named Clementine: part crazy cat lady or part divinity, depending on which way you tilt your head. With her help, both Charlie and Naveen have a chance at redemption. But making up with god isn’t easy, and they’ll have to risk losing everything they found together on that long, dusty road.
RUST&BLUE is NA Magical Realism, and is complete at 71,000 words. With echoes of a twisted Wizard of Oz, this story will appeal to readers of darker, character-driven books such as THE SEA OF TRANQUILITY by Katja Millay or the writing of A.S. King. I am a member of SCBWI, and my YA Sci-Fi novel, [title], is scheduled for publication in summer 2014 with [name of small press].
Thank you for your time and consideration.
First 250:
There were only two things Charlie Reid loved unconditionally – her Aunt Em and sunsets – but that was before she said goodbye to the first because of the second.
The mid-summer evening fell slowly, seeping all color from Main Street so the horizon could be all the vivid reds and oranges a prairie sunset needed to be just right. Like always after her Thursday shift, she was the only one on the poplar-lined boulevard; a street that, she was pretty sure, stretched exactly East/West. Like, exactly. As if the sun rose and set with Glasgow, Montana.
Her nose stung from inhaling gas fumes for the past eight hours, and the strap on one of her sandals had finally snapped, making her walk more of a step/shuffle/step/shuffle, but she was glad to be out; the air had that crisp smell of an impending thunderstorm, crunchy like a juicy apple, and the streaks and solid puffs of ice cream color in the sky were building in front of her eyes. It had been hot today, was still hot now, and when the storm finally unleashed it would be a good one. Charlie was walking right through the calm before a storm: a tangible thing that smelled of water, sounded like a whisper in your ear, and felt like gravity forgetting itself.
Then Charlie tripped over a can of coins, sending them rolling and clattering and jingling across the sidewalk that had moments before only seen the action of the occasional ant.
No. This was really close though. I liked the concept of the story, but wasn't drawn in by the character. Perhaps more tension early, even if it's just shown within Charlie, could have tipped it over the edge for me. (Entry #19)
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteThe premise of being a Shaken confused me right away. The first sentence read awkwardly; read it out loud to yourself. The language was too colorful for me. I realize it's NA, but "leave-me-the-hell-alone" might be a bit gentler on the eyes, at least IMO. Should God be capitalized?
Good first line in the 250! Maybe clarify how the sunset lended to Aunt Em's death.
Yes!
ReplyDeleteIn the query, I liked the comparisons given. That always helps define what audience may enjoy it.
In the First 250, that line got me right away. It gave us a mystery that needed to be solved.
(Entry #13)
ReplyDeleteNo.
I'm put off but the foul language in the query. Save that for your manuscript. Your idea is good, but the SHAKEN is confusing due to the way you have it worded.
Yes but barely. Your writing in the 250 won me over because I believe that the writing is more important than the query. That aside, queries are important. The first sentence in the query needs to be shorter and snappier. You have a good premise, but make sure your query is as sharp as the rest of your writing. Also, I'm not sure of the genre. It reads more like fantasy or paranormal than magical realism.
ReplyDelete#7
ReplyDeleteThis was so close to a yes! The query has voice, a ton of it. Unfortunately, the second paragraph is a bit vague. I’d also eliminate “for most aggressive leave-me-the-fuck-alone honors.” Not because of the swearing, but because it clogs up the sentence. Without it, the sentence will be tighter, read smoother, if that makes sense.
Also, the first 250 is filled with a lot of purple prose. I’d say get to the meat and refrain from describing the weather in such vivid detail. Though pretty, it’s not necessary. I want to know more about Charlie. I would read this because Naveen sounds interesting, as does the premise, but I gave my yeses to two others I connected with more. Nice work! I think this will be a great story.
The first sentence of your query is 32 words. The second is 34. And so on.
ReplyDeleteThe first 250 is the same thing: Lots and lots of really long sentences where not a lot happens. There's also a lot of overly descriptive language and too much telling. It just doesn't capture my interest. I would say no.
Yes! But see, I enjoy writing like this, with colorful, long sentences and emotion. When I read, I want to be in the character. Your 250 won me over. With that being said, your query was a bit confusing, particularly the first paragraph. You lost me when you started describing Naveen. All of those words, I still can't tell you what he looks like or who he is. BUT...like I said, your writing alone makes me want to read more.
ReplyDelete^ (Entry #8)
DeleteThis was close to a yes for me too -- I love the atmosphere you create with the description of the sunset and the smell of gas fumes and the impending storm. But be careful starting your novel with weather. As beautiful as your writing is, it slows you down. I would consider putting the trip over the can of coins After the second paragraph and either eliminating the third paragraph or putting it somewhere else. (I know - it hurts to consider eliminating something so well written. You probably love that paragraph as much as I do!)
ReplyDeleteRe: the query: Your first sentence is VERY long and complicated. I think you might clear up some of the confusion by just cutting it up. Also, you might give us a stronger motivation for Charlie to follow Naveen. Perhaps use stronger wording to describe the fact that he represents the pain of her childhood. Or - is there a catalyzing event that defines her decision to follow him?
Also - what are the stakes? What happens if she doesn't make up with god?
I think you have the bones of a great ms and query here - good luck!
#20
Query:
ReplyDeleteShouldn’t god be God? I’m not religious, but if he’s “real” in your story, his name should be capitalized.
Overall, I think your query makes sense if you read it through a second time. But maybe you should trim a bit so it’s easier to read the first time. I suggest you shorten some of the sentences for easier comprehension.
By the way, I love the idea of a Wizard of Oz retelling. I haven’t seen one of those.
First 250:
What does the first sentence even mean? I feel like you’re trying to foreshadow, but it’s nonsensical foreshadowing and just leaves me confused. Did the sun strike her aunt down or something?
Your writing is good, but I feel like your sentences are too long, just like in your query. By the time I get to the end, I can’t remember what was happening in the beginning.
Also, you’ve used two semi-colons in the first 250 words. Try to avoid them as they don’t really work in abundance for creative writing.
Overall, I don’t feel like this had much voice. It felt very purple prose-y to me. Some people like purple prose, but I think it just takes up words for no good reason.
Verdict: No.
I think your idea is cool, but I’m not a fan of your more poetic writing style. That’s just personal preference, though.
Good luck!
-Tiff (#3)
No. It feels way too close to the Wizard of Oz, making me think that it lacks originality. The name "Aunt Em" was the kicker for me--at that point it just feels like copying instead of spinning off. As for the first 250 words: I liked the first sentence but the rest was so descriptive that I almost got lost.
ReplyDeleteRevisions below. I didn't have as much time to tweak as I would have liked, but hopefully I'm on the right track. Thanks again everyone!
ReplyDeleteQuery:
Nineteen-year-old Charlie Reid’s life is her beehives and the quilted patchwork of fields around her Aunt Em’s Montana farm. Until a summer storm blows through, leaving behind broken shingles – and a stranger. Naveen is a Shaken: one of those unlucky (or karmically deserving) few whose heart, mind, or soul is no longer inside their body. Naveen has lost his heart, quite literally, and his curse is to forever wander in search of it.
Charlie’s terrified of Shaken. She saw first-hand how vicious and wretched they are. But when Naveen leaves town, Charlie goes too, hoping to help him like she failed to help her mom.
They follow tumbleweeds through bright yellow alfalfa fields, warm, red farmhouses, and violent, violet nights, until they track down a widow named Clementine: part crazy cat lady or part divinity, depending on which way you tilt your head. With her help, both Charlie and Naveen have a chance at redemption. But atoning for horrible mistakes isn’t easy, and they’ll have to risk losing everything they found together on that long, dusty road.
RUST&BLUE is NA Magical Realism, and is complete at 71,000 words. With echoes of a twisted Wizard of Oz, this story will appeal to readers of darker, character-driven books such as THE SEA OF TRANQUILITY by Katja Millay or the writing of A.S. King.
First 250:
There were only two things Charlie Reid loved unconditionally – her Aunt Em and sunsets – but that was before she said goodbye to the first because of the second.
The mid-summer evening fell slowly, seeping all color from Main Street so the horizon could be all the vivid reds and oranges a prairie sunset needed to be just right. Charlie walked home just as slowly, appreciating the canvas of sky in front of her. Like always after her Thursday shift, she was the only one on the poplar-lined boulevard. A street which, she was pretty sure, stretched exactly East/West. Like, exactly. As if the sun rose and set with Glasgow, Montana.
Then Charlie tripped over a can of coins, sending them rolling and clattering and jingling across the sidewalk that had moments before only seen the action of the occasional ant.
“What? Shit!” Her sandal flew off as she tried to right herself, sending more coins scattering. The sounds bounced off every storefront.
She wobbled on one foot trying to get her bearings, watching as the still-rolling coins found the gutter or fell over showing heads or tails. She hopped over and picked up the can, and was two hops away from her sandal when she forgot all about it.
A stranger was leaning against a building, watching her. He was completely exposed – she should have seen him, but because of the sunset...
His tattooed hand reached for her.
No. Not her. The cup she still held. He glared with such hatred in his dark eyes that Charlie’s breath caught.
I feel like your query letter is a big improvement over the first one. I would definitely look at the pages based on the query letter. In the first page though, the POV doesn't quite fit. It's not that I'm looking for a first person POV, but I see a lot of filtering. The world is filtered through her thoughts. It puts the reader at arm's length from the story. It's a personal thing for me (sorry) so I wouldn't read on after the first page. I think this is the dreaded "didn't draw me in" problem. Other than the POV and filtering (which is personal taste) I don't see anything "wrong" with it. Maybe more tension.
ReplyDeleteI agree - your query is much improved; both Charlie and Naveen's motivations are clearer.
ReplyDeleteYour first 250 move along much better as well - I like how you get to your first moment of tension faster. I think you can still tighten it up even more -- I see natural "end" points in each paragraph after the coins. Maybe you've already tried this, but if not, try reading your ms out loud? With drama? It's an old trick I used to teach my writing students, and recently I read Authoress' blog recommending the same thing. It's a really useful tool for catching edits you don't hear in your "internal" voice.
Good luck and great job!
#20
I so want to read more! I’m a sucker for tattoos! I do love how you introduced who I’m assuming is Naveen a bit quicker. I think you gave just the right amount of description without overdoing it.
ReplyDeleteSome comments:
In your query:
“Firsthand” is one word.
In the first sentence of your third paragraph you use a lot of adjectives. I’d pare that down to only a couple. Though pretty, the sentence is 38 words. And the “violent violet” is an alliteration I had to re-read. It’s also a tongue-twister when read aloud. :)
250:
In the second sentence, maybe you could find a stronger verb to replace “fell slowly?” I’m not a huge fan of adverbs, and you use slowly twice. I understand creative reasons for using some repetition, but I wouldn’t recommend doing it with adverbs.
This sentence: Charlie walked home just as slowly, appreciating the canvas of sky in front of her.
Maybe reword to something like, “Charlie walked home just as slowly, appreciating the sky’s canvas.” I’m sure you could come up with something better. It just could use some tightening.
This sentence: “Then Charlie tripped over a can of coins, sending them rolling and clattering and jingling across the sidewalk that had moments before only seen the action of the occasional ant.”
I love what you’re saying here, but it took a couple reads to understand it. Maybe it’s the use of rolling, clattering, and jingling. I feel like I forget what the sentence is about when I get to the end. Maybe pare down to just one action verb to connect the subject to the predicate.
This sentence:
She wobbled on one foot trying to get her bearings, watching as the still-rolling coins found the gutter or fell over showing heads or tails.
Maybe reword to avoid the filtering word “watching.”
As I said, I would definitely read this! I love, love, love the premise and I’m so curious about Naveen and finding out more about Shakers.