Title: The Secret Bow
Genre: YA FantasyWhat’s the hardest part about starting at the Academy for students with extraordinary abilities? For seventeen-year-old weapons extraordinaire Cleve, it’s his hauntingly beautiful psychic roommate.
Preferring duels to conversations, student-warrior Cleve hates nothing more than small talk, except for one thing—mind-manipulating, painful-memory-resurfacing, dirty-fighting psychics. After just one encounter with his roommate, not only is his outlawed bow discovered, he finds himself immediately fighting an attraction toward her that he’s convinced is too overwhelming to be anything but a psychic spell.
Soon his other two meddling roommates move in, and chaos erupts: Cleve’s bow goes missing, an impending, multi-race war is revealed, and Cleve discovers the two are linked when he’s detained and brought before the King to find his bow resting beside the throne. To stay out of prison, Cleve must prove his loyalty to the King by using his bow to assassinate a powerful enemy. An easy choice—he thinks—until he learns the supposed enemy is an old family friend exiled by the same King many years ago for reasons unknown to Cleve.
After Cleve is forced to make a few tough decisions, some friends become foes, some animosities become alliances, and prison seems far cozier than first imagined. In the heart of it, when Cleve finds himself storming into a castle behind an army of steadfast rodents, he realizes his bizarre infatuation for his psychic roommate has been the only constant since arriving at the Academy.
Cleve’s story is the main focus of three interwoven journeys starting during times of peace, winding through the Academy, and ending with battles far from home.
THE SECRET BOW is the first of a series with the rest outlined. I have a B.A in creative writing, and published online articles for the video game website [redacted].
I love this query! So Yes. This is one of the few queries that actually had me appreciating the characters themselves... you've managed to give Cleve a distinct personality in just a few words, and implied so much more about the roommates, the King, and the "enemy" through his eyes. Very well done, and good luck!
ReplyDeleteNo. I was sort of on the fence until I got to this paragraph:
ReplyDeleteAfter Cleve is forced to make a few tough decisions, some friends become foes, some animosities become alliances, and prison seems far cozier than first imagined. In the heart of it, when Cleve finds himself storming into a castle behind an army of steadfast rodents, he realizes his bizarre infatuation for his psychic roommate has been the only constant since arriving at the Academy.
It's just so generic and then... rodents? They just seem sort of thrown in there. There's a LOT going on in this query, which is understandable from a story told for 3 perspectives. But I think you need to boil it down a bit more still. Tighten it up and only include the really necessary details.
Yes. I like the premise of the story, and the hint of conflicts Cleve is going to have to face makes me want to read more. If there's any room for improvement, I'd say it might be a little legnthy for a query, so you might try tightening it a little. Otherwise, good job!
ReplyDeleteNo. I really like the premise, and I like Cleve too. I also assumed the roomate was male until you say "her". I would like to know more about the world the story is set in, to help understand what's going on with the Academy, rodents, multi-race war, etc. If I could have said "yes" to three, I would have said yes here, but the query needs some cutting down and tightening to make the story shine through.
ReplyDeleteNo but with some misgivings. What is the one thing a query should not start with? A question. I liked the premise and I’d read more. But cut some of the unneeded words to tighten and clarify. At 266 words, this is about 60 plus words too many.
ReplyDeleteCD Coffelt ponders at Spirit Called
And critiques at UnicornBell
First off, you start with a rhetorical question, which is a big no-no. Then right away in the first paragraph I'm wondering what school lets boys and girls live together? (Must be the mom in me.)
ReplyDeleteLater on you mention assassination is an 'easy choice' for him. I'm not sure I'd relate to a character that is okay with assassination. And I have no idea why the bow is so important to him. What is the connection between him and it? Also a bow doesn't sound like the ideal weapon for 'duels' which I read as one of his favorite things to do. How do you duel with a bow?
This query kind of read like a synopsis to me. Sorry, no vote.
The biggest issue for me is the relative time period of this piece. I get that it's in a fictional land, but are we talking medieval style or more contemporary?
ReplyDeleteThe way the query is worded is confusing and disjointed in parts.
"What’s the hardest part about starting at the Academy for students with extraordinary abilities? For seventeen-year-old weapons extraordinaire Cleve, it’s his hauntingly beautiful psychic roommate.
Preferring duels to conversations, student-warrior Cleve hates nothing more than small talk, except for one thing—mind-manipulating, painful-memory-resurfacing, dirty-fighting psychics." Here you repeat what Cleve's special talent is within two sentences. You could cut the "student-warrior" of the second sentence. Not sure what small talk has to do with anything mentioned before it.
His bow is outlawed. Why? What makes it so special that a king would be interested in it?
I get confused about the roommates. At first there's only one mentioned for awhile. Then suddenly two others, followed by a big spiel on rising conflict without saying what his relationship is with those two or why their appearance puts the rest of this in motion.
The big stakes in the story would normally be good and intriguing, except when you mention that it's an old family friend exiled many years ago. How old is Cleve - 17. Not sure why he's conflicted unless he had a close connection with that person. "...exiled for reasons unknown to Cleve..." That doesn't work. If he doesn't know, he can't care. You've killed your conflict.
"After Cleve is forced to make a few tough decisions, some friends become foes, some animosities become alliances, and prison seems far cozier than first imagined. In the heart of it, when Cleve finds himself storming into a castle behind an army of steadfast rodents, he realizes his bizarre infatuation for his psychic roommate has been the only constant since arriving at the Academy." I'm scratching my head here. The first part is generic, not specific, therefore easy to gloss over and forget. Not sure where the steadfast rodents came from or why he's storming a castle. And after all the adventure parts are listed, you end with his faithful attraction to the roommate. Why does that matter and how does it figure in with the rest?
"Cleve’s story is the main focus of three interwoven journeys starting during times of peace, winding through the Academy, and ending with battles far from home." This paragraph could be cut. It's a summary of what you've already tried to explain.
I think you haven't gotten to the heart of the story yet in the query letter, but with some practice and thought, you'll find it.
My vote is no on this one.
No, it was far too long for me, reading more like a synopsis. I think you should focus on the main conflict of the story for the query. Your second to last paragraph grabbed my attention more than your hook, maybe you could try starting with that?
ReplyDeleteNo, but I was definitely on the fence. The voice is there, and the clear premise, but I was a little thrown off by Cleve having a female roomate at an academy. Also, this sentence "After Cleve is forced to make a few tough decisions," is entirely too vague--pick an actual decision (the crucial one) and detail it rather than gloss over. I think this is a strong offering that just needs a few tweaks to be really good.
ReplyDelete