Title: The Last Lost Warrior
Genre: Mystery/Suspense
Word Count: 96,806
Maybe his friend killed her, maybe not; George Duvall wants not to know, so he's careful not to ask. The killer was terrified, desperate, and deceived by noises in the night, noises not the enemy but only wild pigs. Duvall, afraid to lose his friend, draws suspicion to himself to hide the crime.
Thirty five years later the Army CID begins to ask questions. Tuco Ruis runs and looks more guilty than before. With little hope but desperate to help a friend, Duvall tracks Tuco down. Tuco hasn't made it easy; he's ripped off another old comrade, a gangster who wants him dead. Tuco's running but maybe not just from cops, and Duvall's less sure of Tuco's doing or what he wants. If the cops get Tuco he's down for murder, if the gangster gets him, worse. Duvall has to find Tuco, evade the gangster and the cops, but find Tuco and learn the truth, maybe from the barrel of Tuco's gun.
A war protester of the late 60's, drafted and trained, I proudly served in E Recon 1/7th Cavalry during the Vietnam war. I subsequently enjoyed a 30 year career with the Department of Veterans Affairs, you may consider me expert in the pains and shackles of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which haunts the subtext of this book.
Genre: Mystery/Suspense
Word Count: 96,806
Maybe his friend killed her, maybe not; George Duvall wants not to know, so he's careful not to ask. The killer was terrified, desperate, and deceived by noises in the night, noises not the enemy but only wild pigs. Duvall, afraid to lose his friend, draws suspicion to himself to hide the crime.
Thirty five years later the Army CID begins to ask questions. Tuco Ruis runs and looks more guilty than before. With little hope but desperate to help a friend, Duvall tracks Tuco down. Tuco hasn't made it easy; he's ripped off another old comrade, a gangster who wants him dead. Tuco's running but maybe not just from cops, and Duvall's less sure of Tuco's doing or what he wants. If the cops get Tuco he's down for murder, if the gangster gets him, worse. Duvall has to find Tuco, evade the gangster and the cops, but find Tuco and learn the truth, maybe from the barrel of Tuco's gun.
A war protester of the late 60's, drafted and trained, I proudly served in E Recon 1/7th Cavalry during the Vietnam war. I subsequently enjoyed a 30 year career with the Department of Veterans Affairs, you may consider me expert in the pains and shackles of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which haunts the subtext of this book.
No. The plot is too vague. Who is "she?" Who is Tuco--the friend of the previous paragraph? If George intentionally drew suspicion, why didn't he face any consequences, and why is the Army focused on Tuco? And why should I as the reader sympathize with a guy who--as the first thing we learn about him--doesn't actually care whether his friend is a murderer?
ReplyDeleteThis is a confusing one. It seems to jump around a lot, and I have trouble figuring out the plot and stakes. Be more specific and let the story speak for itself... I was VERY interested in your very last line "you may consider me expert in the pains and shackles of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which haunts the subtext of this book", but got nothing of this from the query itself.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with this. I can see the intrigue. But as a vote, mine is No.
I like what you've set up here. This sounds like it is a gritty cat-and-mouse novel and I'm intrigued by its premise. That being said, your execution and wording in your query is very difficult to follow. This leads me to believe that the wording in your manuscript will be equally more difficult. Of course, I could be wrong. I think the best advice I could give is to read your query out loud or have it read to you.
ReplyDeleteI haven't read all of the other entries yet so I'll be back to give you a yes or no. I hope my comments help. Laters.
After reviewing my group of queries, my answer for this will have to be no.
DeleteNo. The query is a bit confusing. I think you have an interesting story to tell, but the query is holding you back. Start with what George wants, what is stopping him from getting it, and what happens if he fails. Then add just enough details to explain those three points, plus a few tidbits to show the voice and tone of the book. Good luck with this.
ReplyDeleteNo. This is a bit muddled. For example, I am unsure of the MC here. Is it Duvall or Ruis? Some style problems also like the overuse of the word ‘not’ in the first line and sentence structure in the second paragraph. It just needs some clarification.
ReplyDeleteCD Coffelt ponders at Spirit Called
And critiques at UnicornBell
No. I was too confused during the query to understand if I would like the story or not.
ReplyDeleteMy vote is no. This query is rough, very rough.
ReplyDelete"Maybe his friend killed her, maybe not; George Duvall wants not to know, so he's careful not to ask. The killer was terrified, desperate, and deceived by noises in the night, noises not the enemy but only wild pigs. Duvall, afraid to lose his friend, draws suspicion to himself to hide the crime."
The opening sentence is vague, worded poorly, and doesn't tell us anything other than a friend of George Duvall's might have killed somebody. We don't know who that somebody is or what they meant to George. We don't know who the friend is or what the friend is to George. There's not enough basis for that opening line. Then you jump point-of-view into the head of the killer - who is unidentified - with a sentence you should cut because it has nothing to do with the query summary. Then George takes the blame for his friend. Why? What were the repurcussions for both him and his friend?
"Thirty five years later the Army CID begins to ask questions. Tuco Ruis runs and looks more guilty than before. With little hope but desperate to help a friend, Duvall tracks Tuco down. Tuco hasn't made it easy; he's ripped off another old comrade, a gangster who wants him dead. Tuco's running but maybe not just from cops, and Duvall's less sure of Tuco's doing or what he wants. If the cops get Tuco he's down for murder, if the gangster gets him, worse. Duvall has to find Tuco, evade the gangster and the cops, but find Tuco and learn the truth, maybe from the barrel of Tuco's gun."
Time jump. I can't help but feel that the first paragraph was really backstory and that you've started with it instead of feeding it through the narrative of the present time. It would add suspense to the story, feeding the reader bits of the backstory when it would have the most punch. But I'm basing this assumption on the query.
Then you suddenly give us a new name, a person we don't know. What happened to George? Oh wait, maybe Tuco is the friend? There's no transition here between the authorities starting to ask questions and what happens. You need to give us more detail.
And as I read through the rest, it sounds more like Tuco's story than George's. I still have no idea why George took a fall for Tuco or why he's trying to help his friend on the run. Why does George need the truth from Tuco?
Hopefully these questions can help you fill in the gaps and reconstruct the query letter.
No, I think you've got some of the important parts of the story here but I think they need to be delivered a little differently, as of right now the information is too conglomerated.
ReplyDeleteNo, the query is confusing. There's a lot of details that could be chopped. For sure, get rid of the wild pig noises.
ReplyDeleteNo. I would split that opening sentence up and avoid the semi-colon. I don't know why he would want to know so doesn't ask. Sorry but that didn't feel like voice to me. It felt like a mistake.
ReplyDeleteThe second sentence about the killer seems to be thrown in there out of context.
It's confusing. Sorry, but you should probably start over.
No.
ReplyDeleteBut...
I think you may have a good book there. But the query is not doing it justice. If I had to sum up my concern, it's that the sentences of your query are confusing, bordering on (sorry) convoluted. I had to read the first sentence several times to "get" it.
It (and all of them) need to be straightforward: "George Duvall could not bring himself to ask the question that he knew he had to: did his best friend, Tuco Ruis, kill the girl or not? They were terrified, desperate, and deceived by the noises of the night. COULD he have mistaken her for the enemy? Yes, he could have..."
Good luck.