Title: Freak
Genre: YA Horror
Word Count: 60,000
Mary’s boyfriend may be a monster, but he’s not a murderer. She would know. She built him.
17-year-old science prodigy and social outcast Mary thinks that her relationship with Adam, the hottest guy in school, is perfect - or would be, if he didn't insist on keeping it a secret from their judgmental classmates. Utterly alone after his sudden death, she uses her genius and her father's technology to bring him back to life, but what emerges from the machine is not the boy she knew. He’s a freak.
Mute, sluggish, and covered in hideous scars, the creature doesn’t remember being Adam, and can't survive on his own. Initially terrified of her creation, Mary helps him adjust to living. As a bond forms between them, she questions whether she loved him before, or had just fallen for the only person who had cared for a freak like her.
But when everyone the new Adam encounters turns up dead, Mary is torn between destroying the monster she created – or trusting him long enough to stop a killer after the secret of his resurrection.
Complete at 60,000 words, FREAK is a YA Horror with a sci-fi twist, inspired by Mary Shelley's Frankenstein.
Complete at 60,000 words, FREAK is a YA Horror with a sci-fi twist, inspired by Mary Shelley's Frankenstein.
YES YES YES. I don't even like horror and I want to read this! The stakes and conflict are clear and compelling, and I love the idea of a teenage girl mad scientist. Two thumbs way up!
ReplyDeleteThe ONLY reason I'm voting No on this one is the last paragraph threw me off course a bit. Adam's not a killer, you've said, so why wouldn't she trust him? They've formed a bond, so why can't they catch that killer together? I got confused about the conflict because I thought it was between Mary and Adam all the way through, until the last line that mentioned the killer after the resurrection secret. One more line to clarify might help?? Other than that, I think this is a really good query, and I would totally read this book!
ReplyDeletePS, Just read comment above and noticed she loved how you outlined the stakes and conflict, so it shows how subjective this is! (and annoying...) ;)
Good luck!!
I think this is a stellar query, but I do agree with Jeannette. I think one more line would clarify. I can look past one line one line however.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry I can't be more helpful, but this is really a phenomenal query. I'll be back once I finish reading all the queries to give you a yes or no. This is definitely in my top two so far though. Great job. Laters.
Like I said, I think your query is phenomenal and I would LOVE to read this. Sadly, I must say no ONLY because I liked one better than yours. This was a very hard decision and I truly think your query will garner a lot of requests. You have a gem on your hands and I can't wait to see it on the shelves. Despite the rules, this is a yes in my book, even if I can't make it official. Good luck...not that you'll need it :)
DeleteI loved this. The Frakenstein angle is superb for me, and the way this is written is enough to entice me to want to read more. The protagonist--a genius--with a Frakenstein boyfriend, possible killer is an absolute thumbs-up. My vote is yes. Well done.
ReplyDeleteYes. Excellent hook but break the next sentence in two. Thirty-seven words is Too Much. Otherwise, FanFreakin’Tastic.
ReplyDeleteCD Coffelt ponders at Spirit Called
And critiques at UnicornBell
Yes. I agree with most of the comments above, but this clearly stood out from the queries in my bunch. Great job.
ReplyDeleteThis one has promise, but it's not grabbing me.
ReplyDeleteThe opening hook is good.
"17-year-old science prodigy and social outcast Mary thinks that her relationship with Adam, the hottest guy in school, is perfect - or would be, if he didn't insist on keeping it a secret from their judgmental classmates." This part is contradictory. She's not an outcast if the hottest guy in school is her secret boyfriend. Reword. She's an outcast to everyone else but not to Adam, the hottest guy in school. She's his secret girlfriend. His choice. He doesn't want anyone else to know - and why. What is it about Mary that ostracizes her from everyone else?
Then bam, we have a sudden death. No transition between the secret boyfriend part and this, nor how he died.
She brings him back to life - cool idea. Where are his family and other friends during this and the subsequent story? Aside from the odd new relationship, are there any outside repurcussions or threats? When Adam supposedly starts killing people, are they people close to him? Thus raising the stakes for Mary as the evidence piles up against him? I need more details to completely jump on board.
Yes, I think it's an interesting premise, but I do think your final paragraph needs a bit of clarification.
ReplyDeleteHeh. I had "and the evidence points to him" in the final paragraph, but an agent critique crossed it out as unnecessary. Noted.
ReplyDeleteYes. Overall a very good query.
ReplyDeleteI wimped and read only the minimum seven, but this was my favorite. The first paragraph captures the reader. Even if I went no further, I'd have a basic idea as to the plot.
This -- 17-year-old science prodigy and social outcast Mary thinks that her relationship with Adam, the hottest guy in school, is perfect - or would be, if he didn't insist on keeping it a secret from their judgmental classmates -- is a bit confusing. If she's an outcast and he's Mr. Popular, then WHY is he dating her?
Finally, a word of caution. Everything I have read on agents' blogs says to be careful about comparing your work to other's. So I would cut out "inspired by Mary Shelley's Frankenstein." It's pretty obvious that's what this book will echo. But, if by chance you select an agent whose favorite book happens to be Frankenstein, he or she probably will be disappointed with your take. (Sorry.)
This is a fantastic query, except for one thing. I'm a little confused between your hook and your sinker. There is an inconsistency between them that makes me think you want it both ways.
ReplyDeleteMary’s boyfriend may be a monster, but he’s not a murderer.
But when everyone the new Adam encounters turns up dead, Mary is torn between destroying the monster she created – or trusting him long enough to stop a killer after the secret of his resurrection.
Your hook says Mary KNOWS he's not the murdered, but your sinker seems to imply that she still believes he might be. You're trying to have it both ways: a zinger hook and keeping up the suspicion. That doesn't work for me.
Congrats on 2nd place! I like the twist-on-Dr. Frankenstein's-monster feel. There are two things I'd like to know, though: how'd Adam die, and who was killed? Or is Adam the one who was killed? Provokes questions, though. :)
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