Misty Dawn’s 1987 El Camino sputtered and creaked as she rounded the bend of her rural South Carolina road. As a poor college sophomore at Winslow University, she treasured her car anyway. The quirky and rusty El Camino, which she named Miguel, suited her own odd style just fine.
Genre: NA Contemporary
Word Count: 65,000
Query:
Misty Dawn returns home for Christmas break to find that her hippie parents still treat her like a baby. Combine that with her dead-end job at the Burger Barn and her cat who thinks he’s a dog, and Misty Dawn knows she’s cut out for more than her small South Carolina town. Seriously, who has a rodeo clown for a father? Bored, broke and ready for anything, Misty Dawn and her best friend, Violet, vow to beef up their stale social status.
Enter: a glorious, cowboy-studded brochure depicting a Spring Break experience at The Lucky Lasso Ranch in Red Rock, Wyoming. Armed with her life affirming metaphors and her BFF, Misty Dawn trades in her sputtering El Camino for a spunky Palomino and heads west.
It doesn’t take long for the girls to realize that life on the ranch is not as glamorous as the brochure said. Their week at the Lucky Lasso has Misty Dawn and Violet clumsily struggling to learn the tricks of the trade; chow duty, wrangling cattle on horseback, lassoing strays. Lucy and Ethel could have done better. Turns out, ten years in 4-H hasn’t prepared either girl for what life on a real working ranch is like. All they can do is pull up their big cowgirl boots and buckle down next to their guides, two hunky twin cowboys, whose yodeling has set their hearts a-flutter. By the end of the week, the girls are in love, and hankering to take those boys home.
But Misty Dawn, suddenly serious, knows that their two worlds could never combine, could they? When she returns home, however, there is a message from her cowboy, and suddenly her throwback family's rodeo heritage might be just what the cowboy ordered.
MISTY DAWN AND VIOLET is a NA Contemporary/Adventure tale, in the vein of Larissa Reinhart’s Cherry Tucker Series. A light and fun read, it is complete at 65,000 words.
First 250:
“Come on, Miguel, we’re almost there.” The gas needle sank even lower into the red. “You can do it!” The lemon of a car thrived on having a cheering section.
Misty Dawn and Miguel eased their way through the small suburban town, where every lawn sported a blow up snowman, wreath or other wintertime lawn decor. The Christmas season had arrived, no matter what the thermometer read, which at the moment read a balmy fifty two.
"Well, we made it," she said, coasting into her parent’s driveway on fumes. “Thank God.”
Misty loved every minute of being a college student, but her wallet was about as empty as Miguel’s gas tank, and she had enough dirty laundry with her to fill the Florence Civic Center.
Her mother, having heard the car pull up, came running out the front door, only stopping once, to illuminate the outside lights on the way. "Why, Misty Dawn, so nice to have you home!"
Misty hopped out of the car to greet her with a hug. "Hey Diane. It’s daytime. What’s with the lights?” Misty Dawn, being a college girl and a self-proclaimed woman of the world, insisted on being on a first name basis with her parents.
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ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteMy primary beef with this submission is that if something is pitched as humor, I'd expect it to make me laugh. This did not. Most light contemporary novels have humor in them, but to call it humor, it should be funny.
The one attempt at humor, the smelly cat, made me think of Phoebe of Friends (and not in a good way, more like a rip-off way) and its description about feces made me a little ill. I assume it was meant to be funny, but it just rubbed me the wrong way.
This is a reluctant no.
ReplyDeleteI liked the voice-iness of the query and opening 250 though I do think 50,000 is a bit short for the genre. To avoid two uses of 'with' in close proximity in the query, perhaps: '...with a cat (with) who has a serious...' I also think clarifying whether Misty Dawn is going to the Ranch for a job or a holiday would be helpful in the letter. Also suggest: '...their ten years in 4-H (hasn't) didn't prepare(d)...' to keep the tenses consistent. And one other suggestion -- suggest rewriting the following as it sounds like the yodeling twins have set the cattle's hears fluttering: '...and manhandling of the cattle has set their....'
In the first 250, I wasn't clear how Misty sees the cat through her closed car door. If she's sticking her head out the window, perhaps add that in. Plus, with the cat rubbing against the door, I was worried Misty might hit it when she opened the car door. I think adding in a few details will clear that up.
#1
Thank you Peggy! I am glad you liked the voice in the QL!
DeleteFor me, this is a no.
ReplyDeleteThe query was a bit drawn out, but I had hopes for the first 250. I wasn't really sold on them. I'm not really sold on opening with dialogue. I also didn't like the phrase "Three hour car drive". I think 'Three hour drive" would suffice. Additionally, the part about the cat was a little strange to me. It didn't seem to fit into the whole scene, and it also wasn't funny. Maybe I'd be more sold if I saw more of the first chapter, but this didn't do it for me.
#18
I absolutely love the voice in your query. I'd move on to the pages just with that. My primary comment is that I don't understand the stakes at all. I'd change the last line about a rodeo heritage and lay out what goes wrong, and what happens is Missy isn't able to fix it. Also, if it's only "sprinkled with humor," don't pitch it as humor. Most books have some lightness or funny moments in them, but that doesn't make them all comedies.
ReplyDeleteThe word count concerns me a little. At the end of the day, NA is still an adult category, and that means most agents are going to be looking for adult-sized word counts. I'd have agents tell me that anything below 65,000 words is too short for print, although you could go down to 60,000 for a digital publisher.
I don't understand why the first sentence is underlined, and it's missing a period. A typo doesn't necessarily sink you, but typos in the first line are a problem. (If that's the chapter title, cut it - it doesn't belong here) The first 250 could use another polish. There are a lot of unnecessary words - which makes me even more worried about the low word count.
Sorry, but no.
Thanks Laura! I have no idea why the first line is underlined. Something weird happened with the translation out of Scrivener. I wasn't able to fix it. This MS is not complete, so I hoped for good feedback on the QL...which I am getting! (Our contest host said unfinished was okay.) I appreciate your stopping by!
DeleteI have a soft spot for NA, but this just didn't win me over. The voice in the query was great, but some points didn't make sense to me. If she's just finishing up a semester at school (typically) that would either put her in December/January or May/June. Spring break happens during the semester, so does she go back to school? I'm also not clear why her and her best friend would choose to go to a ranch for spring break when the query makes it sound like she's embarrassed by her small town and rodeo clown father. I'm just not sure I'm understanding her motivation for wanting to go. When you mention that they fall in love in a week it has me concerned over insta-love, and at only 50k I think this is too short. For NA you really want to be at least at 60k, but more like 65k or better. Also, this is picky, but I'm not sure whether the character's name is Misty Dawn--first name last name, or first name middle name. In the query you switch between using both names together, and once, just calling her Misty.
ReplyDeleteThis is a no for me.
No.
ReplyDeleteThere’s too much explaining going on here both in the query and the first 250. The tone and premise are light and potentially very funny, so much so that I want to see the funny move fast out of the box. Instead we get exposition about the car, about college, about being broke and about the stinky cat. These are all things you could be showing: the gas needle in the red as she rolls into the driveway (one of life little victories really), a fight with her parents about money within the first five minutes that Misty’s home, the stinky cat leaping into her lap meant to be a comfort but just…stinky.
I’d like to see a query that skips the first couple sentence and begins with something like, “Bored, broke and ready for anything, Misty Dawn and her best friend, Vi, try to break their unlucky streak on an alternative Spring Break at the The Lucky Lasso Ranch…” You could then proceed, upping the antics, until a reveal at the end of the query about Misty’s dad being a rodeo clown.
This is a light romance, so bring the sexy and funny.
#2
Great suggestions! Thank you for the comments! This manuscript is not yet complete, so I really appreciate the ideas you have given me!
DeleteHi! *waves* #20 here!
ReplyDeleteSome wonderfully memorable lines in this query: “Misty trades in her sputtering El Camino for a spunky Palomino and heads west.” CLASSIC :)
It did strike me as odd that Misty is finishing up her third semester of college and going on Spring Break. Spring break happens in the middle of second semester. If she’s finished up, wouldn’t that make it either summer or winter break?
Also (Please don’t kill me, but keep in mind I am NA-aged), I did not get the Lucy and Ethel reference and looked it up for the sake of this critique. At first I thought maybe they were the hot cowboys names :P
For the sample...you’re writing style is very smooth and easy to digest. There are a few places you could up the showing and imagery, however. Instead of “rural S. Car town,” show us trailers, houses with tin roofs, Spanish moss in the trees...is the road dirt or the asphalt cracked and patched up by lines of tar? Don’t tell me it’s the South, make me feel the South :)
Oh, and I totally giggled at the stinky cat. Priceless :)
This is a NO for now, but I’m excited for this story’s potential. I wrote a tentative query for my recently completed WIP and found it helped me keep focused as I drafted. You're on the right track. Good luck!
Thank you, Ashley! I am glad you feel there is potential. I am reconsidering the Lucy and Ethel, in the hopes that I can think of a more modern equivalent :)
DeleteI am so glad that some of it made you chuckle!
#17
ReplyDeleteAs I read the query, I ended up reading it in a southern accent...so that says something good, right? :)
I loved the El Camino/Palomino line.
I'd cut the I Love Lucy reference
I love the use of "a-flutter"
I might drop the rodeo clown father line the way you have it.
For your 250:
Maybe save the naming of Miguel for later. I'd start the first chapter off with "Misty breathed a sigh of relief after coasting her old, rusty El Camino into her parents driveway."
I also think you could consider her coming home after her sophomore year and then deciding to take a summer job in Wyoming. That would give you more time development for the romance. Of course, I say that without reading the rest of your MS and not knowing if that would majorly overhaul your plot line.
As a cat owner, I found it hard to believe that Whiskers went out of his way to greet Misty since she hasn't seen him since he was itty-bitty. Most cats I know don't run up to people they don't know very well.
Overall, I think this has potential to be a cute and fun read, but it is a "no" for me right now.
But keep that voice in the query! You have that down!
I am so glad that the voice is shining through! Thanks a lot for the comments and suggestions, too! My goal with this contest was to test the QL, even though this MS is not quite complete. I appreciate the feedback on the 250, big time!
DeleteThis is a close No for me. So close. First, I write fun MG, so I am always excited to see a non-save-the-world fun story, and this has that. Small town girls traveling to a ranch where hijinks ensue? Hell, why not? But . . . (and you knew the but was coming, lol) . . . there still has to be some kind of conflict and stakes, and the query sort of just meanders when they get to the ranch and then when Misty returns home. Tell us why the worlds can't combine. Tell us she must find a way to make the worlds combine or else lose the love of her life. I guess what I'm saying is be more specific on the conflict and stakes.
ReplyDeleteThe 250, like the query, shows great voice, but reads a little clunky with too many references to the car. I'd cut "her car anyway" and combine a few lines. ". . . she treasured the quirky and rusty El Camino, which she named Miguel. He suited her odd style just fine." Not sure--just that there seems a lot about the car early on.
The part about the cat didn't affect me either way, but the others seem to have a LOT of opinions on it, and I don't have a cat, so I'll let those pass.
Anyway, I really do like the bones of this query and 250. Good luck!
Oh, hey, me again. I forgot to say that you might want to re-think your title. Just that it doesn't really say much. Yes, an editor will change it, but why not try and come up with something that packs a punch? Misty Dawn and Violet can be any genre, any age group, etc. Just a thought!
ReplyDeleteKim, Thank you for chiming in! My title is definitely not carved in stone. I will definitely think about that. I'll also beef up the stakes in the letter as well. (That's always the toughest for me to nail in a QL). I really appreciate your time, and for the great feedback. :)
ReplyDeleteNo
ReplyDeletethis is so highly subjective, but I really hate the NA trope of a young woman having nothing going on in her life except the pursuit of a man. The query reads like this is a romance more than an adventure, but that might be due to the inexact definition of NA itself. There are lots of agents/editors who see all NA as Romance, and others who see it much more broadly like YA is. To clear this kind of confusion up it might be a good idea to either bill it as romance, or clear up the query a little bit so that it focuses on the action rather than the sexy cowboy love interest.
I love how she talks to her car, it reads very real. The first 250 is interesting, I'm not sure about the cat thing, it seems extraneous, but maybe it just needs to find a better home in the story line.
Tobias Eaton (4)
No for me, sorry!
ReplyDeleteYour premise really does sound fun and I love the light touch (I personally loved the Lucy and Ethel reference) but -- and this shows just how subjective this business is -- I was put off by the Southernisms in the query. This is tricky -- because you want to show voice -- but most agents will say not to write your query in your MC's voice. So I would err on the side of caution there and not drop your g's in the query. (lookin', hankerin') Using the word hankering -- with the g -- shows voice without using Misty's actual voice. Does that make sense?
Also confusing about the query -- why is she home from college - did she drop out? Is that why she's working and then going to the ranch? I know you tell us the answer in your first 250, but you have to set us up for it in the query too.
Finally- seems like the stakes are not just that she wants to get the guy but also that she needs to make peace with her own family and who she really is - maybe you can clarify that - give her more depth?
First 250: The first two paragraphs are pretty repetitive. I'd combine them so you only say "Miguel" and "El Camino" once, and look for other words you repeat a lot throughout like "car".
Also - the mother's first line seems inauthentic. Wouldn't she be more effusive? This is her daughter - and she's a small town southern woman. If she were an uptight rich woman from some ritzy place I could see her saying that, but a more down to earth person might show more delight maybe? Surprise and delight?
Finally - chiming in with others - word count is too low. I bet you've got room for more character and stakes/cost development to bring this up to at least 65K.
Hi, I'm #19.
ReplyDeleteQuery:
While I love the voice-y bits in your query, I did wonder how much of the plot you're describing. You describe getting to the ranch, which I assume is where most of the story happens and then she falls in love, goes home and then she gets a message from the cowboy she left behind. It almost sounds like the end of the book. If this isn't the case, though, it read that way to me. I hope that there are more twists and turns in the story and that the query hasn't taken us to the end already!
I really enjoyed the first paragraph of the query, but ending on the message from the cowboy kind of fell a little flat for me. Is there something else you could tease that would up the stakes or tension a little?
250:
Just like the query, the voice comes through. It reads very natural to me.
I really enjoyed Misty talking to her car. I think it's a situation that a lot of people can relate (or at least sympathize) with right off the bat. But, for me, I had a hard time sympathizing with Misty about her cat. She hasn't seen it in a long time and she tosses him out because he's gotten dirty. :( Yes, it's totally gross when your pet has made a mess like that, but they can't help it, the poor things. I guess for me, I would be too happy to see my pet again to worry about it. BUT please keep in mind that this is totally my bias, and other people may not have had the same problem. If Misty does something else in the next few pages that re-establishes sympathy, I'd be okay with it. Characters have to start somewhere to grow. :)
Sure, there is some editing to do, but this isn't finished yet (I'm in the same boat). For me this is a no for now, but I think with some streamlining you could be well on your way. Queries, plot...that can all be edited and fixed up. Voice is a tougher one, but you have that in spades.
I'm sorry to say this is a no.
ReplyDeleteI liked your query, particularly the voice. But I had a couple suggestions. I thought the Lucy/Ethel comment might be rather dated for NA. I'd like to know a bit more about the conflict. Why does she think this is anything more than a vacation romance? Can we see a bit more of the spark? And are the twins workers on the ranch? or other vacationers? What's the conflict if they are vacationers?
I also wonder if your word count is a little low for NA.
On the first 250:
Can you show us she's a poor college student rather than tell us? I think that would make your first paragraph pop! Not to put works in your mouth but something like, "it would be 2 1/2 more years before she graduated and was cash-flow positive, longer before she'd have saved up for a decent car. Her El Camino had to hang in there..."
I hope that helps! Best of luck with revising and querying!
Rebecca #11
Hello, # 5 here - I am going to say no, I would request pages.
ReplyDeleteAs others have mentioned, you do have terrific voice in your query! It's light and peppy, exactly right for the genre. I had no problem following who the characters are, their motivations, the major plotlines, etc. At the end of the query, it would be great to expand on the conflict and what's at stake for her. Also, you might try to break up the query's block of text. For instance, when you say "By the end of the week..." that should be a new paragraph.
I like the Lucy & Ethel reference. My 8 and 6 year old would get the reference, so I think you're okay.
The 250 is really where I think you may lose an agent. The writing is good, but it could benefit from snappier, shorter sentences and fewer dialogue tags. And, this is more ambiguous, but I just want to feel more of the light, witty, engaging writing that showed your capable of in the query - it's just not as present in the 250.
Good luck with this! It sounds like a really fun story and would be right alley!
Hi! Revision critique from #16 :D
ReplyDeleteI think I missed this one first time around. I can see that your revisions were really impressive. I like the voice of the query. It's light and bubbly. I feel like the 250 voice is a little young though, but maybe that's the point XD
I just want to see more stakes, but I know that's sometimes awfully hard to come up with for romance. Maybe tell us about this cowboy of hers! I LOVE hearing about the guys in a girl-focused story, so you'd have me even more hooked if you introduced me to him somehow in the query!
I'm saying no, BUT I do understand that this is a first draft. For a first draft, this is pretty darn good :D Hats off to you for being brave enough to share A FIRST DRAFT! :D I can see this going far in the future. Yay!
Thank you so much for stopping in to check out my revision! Great suggestions, by the way! It did take courage to put a first draft out there, but I got such amazing encouragement and feedback. Even though I had zero yes's, my end product will be so much better when it is complete!
DeleteI agree! You go! :D
DeleteRevision critique #17
ReplyDeleteYou didn't lose the voice in the query which makes me very happy! I don't know why, but I still don't love the line about the rodeo clown father. But, you know what? I think it might just be because I can't stand clowns. Seriously...maybe that is clouding my judgment of that line.
Your 250 has improved immensely! I don't think you need to mention twice in the first 250 that she doesn't have money (you mention her as poor college student and then again talking about the laundry). I like the second mention of money better (comparing to the gas fumes). I like the naming of Miguel better in this version. It seemed more natural and worked this time around for me.
And I agree with Rachel...you give us more details about that cowboy in the query and it will be a yes!
You write a pretty amazing first draft!
I’m still a little confused on the timeline. In the first paragraph it’s Christmas break, then brochure is for Spring Break. Does she come home for Christmas and realize she doesn’t want to go home for Spring? I might bring that in or just leave the Christmas part out. “Misty Dawn returns home on break from school to find her hippie parents still treat her like a baby...”
ReplyDeleteI kinda agree with #17 on the line about the rodeo clown father, not because it isn’t fun and voicey, but because it’s a bit redundant and you have plenty of voice without it. Seriously, your query and 250 ooze with it and for that I would say YES alone. Voice is something that’s so hard to capture in a query and you do it effortlessly.
Looking over the whole thing...this is how I would cut it down. I mostly looked for lines that, while good, were redundant:
“Misty Dawn returns home from college to find that her hippie parents still treat her like a baby. Combine that with her dead-end job at the Burger Barn and her cat who thinks he’s a dog, and Misty Dawn knows she’s cut out for more than her small South Carolina town.
Enter: a glorious, cowboy-studded brochure depicting a Spring Break experience at The Lucky Lasso Ranch in Red Rock, Wyoming. Armed with her life affirming metaphors and her BFF, Violet, Misty Dawn trades in her sputtering El Camino for a spunky Palomino and heads west.
It doesn’t take long for the girls to realize that life on the ranch is not as glamorous as the brochure said. Their week at the Lucky Lasso has Misty Dawn and Violet clumsily struggling to learn the tricks of the trade; chow duty, wrangling cattle on horseback, lassoing strays. All they can do is pull up their big cowgirl boots and buckle down next to their guides, two hunky twin cowboys, whose yodeling has set their hearts a-flutter.”
The fourth paragraph is where I struggle. This is where the stakes should go, but I’m not sensing them. As someone who also enjoys writing query’s before drafting, this is the spot that’s hardest to nail down before having a completed draft. I have no doubt you’ll nail it once you’re 100% sure where the story is going.
LOVE the details you brought into the 250! You definitely made me feel like I’m there and appealed all of my senses. I would keep reading from the 250 alone, so it's a YES from me. I felt very grounded and you definitely NAILED the NA voice. I’m around Misty Dawn’s age and I immediately identified with her car trouble :D
Ashley, It warms my heart to read these wonderful comments...And I finally got a YES! I am thrilled that the voice hits home to my targeted audience. It is something that I work hard at, considering I am no longer a "new adult"!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the suggestions about the 4th QL paragraph. I will continue to work on it. I also appreciate the kind words about the 250. As far as this manuscript goes, I have only one crit partner who has read any of it. So I am truly encouraged by all of this feedback. Misty Dawn might someday see the light of day!
Hi, these are revision comments from #1 - You do such a great job of injecting voice into your query (you can probably see the lovely shade of green I'm turning :D ). I'm fine with Misty Dawn's main goal of looking for romance, but was a bit confused by her wanting to 'take those boys home' when the query sets her up as thinking she's 'cut out for more than her South Carolina town.' I wasn't sure if this hints at a change in Misty Dawn -- if her adventure on the ranch gives her a greater appreciation for her small town? If so, I think making that a bit more clear would help. I think there may be a typo -- you have Misty Dawn arming herself with life-affirming metaphors -- but I think you mean aphorisms?
ReplyDeleteFor me, the opening 250 works much better without the cat, keeping us more centered on Misty Dawn. There were a few words repeated in close proximity which you may want to trim out -- quirky/quirks and two uses of 'read' in one sentence. I also thought you could cut one of the references to Misty Dawn's money problems. To that end, I suggest cutting or rephrasing 'poor college student' since at first I thought she hadn't done well as school. By turning around the sentence (Though she barely had enough funds to fill her tank for the ride home from college...) this can be easily clarified. I found the mom's dialogue too formal/not conversational enough. Also, if mom's still keeping the hippie flame alive, perhaps this can be reflected in how she greets her daughter -- or what she's wearing? At this point, this gets a reluctant no.
These are great comments, Peggy! Thank you! I love the idea of describing the mother a bit more. That will add a lot to the scene. I am still so early in the life of this MS. I have gotten so much great feedback. It's incredibly helpful. Good luck to you!
ReplyDeleteRevision yes. You capture the sense of the two girls' adventure in your revised query, and I love that. Not sure about the "suddenly serious" paragraph. Feels like you give away too much, and could just end with the worry about how will their worlds combine or something bigger. Good voice overall! I think the new draft is clearer and I like the way you broke up the paragraphs. The names that enhance your setting (Red rock, Lucky Lasso) are more prominent now. In your revised, 250 words, I miss that connection to coming home that you created with the cat. The scene might have gone on too long originally, but I hope some version of it might still be in your first chapter somewhere! I think a certain amount of readers can relate to a pet left at home, or a sibling, while going to college, and finding them changed when they get back. The revision brings alive a lot more of the story in the same amount of words. Great character details, the El Camino and first name basis with parents. I could easily read more because I feel the story will keep pulling me along, revealing interesting facets of the characters and plot.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Maddie! I am glad you stopped by to offer suggestions. This is quite a work in progress! Good luck to you :)
DeleteI really like the revision on your query. The plot line is clearer and I like your voice!
ReplyDeleteI liked the changes in the first 250 too. Nitpiks thoughts: you have two “read” in the sentence about the temperature. I’d reword it to drop one. And your last sentence about calling her parents by their first name is pretty telly. I’d just show with the name she uses and with her response to any grumbles from her parents on the topic.
Great job! I’d give this a yes now. Best of luck with your querying!
Rebecca #11
Thank you, Rebecca. Showing and not telling is tough sometimes. I'll continue to work it out. Good luck to you!
DeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI love the voice in your query and 250. That's so hard to do and you nailed it. But I didn't have a clear idea of the stakes involved. Now this is purely subjective and I think your book would make a fun read. Tighten up the stakes and it'll be a yes form me. #(
The stakes in a query are the most difficult part for me. Ugh! But I'll keep at it! Thank you for chiming in with these great comments, and I appreciate the compliment about voice!
DeleteHi! I'm #6.
ReplyDeleteSo I absolutely love this query. I want to read this whole book because it seems like so much fun. I love the voice in the query.
I have a few minor thoughts, but beyond that this is a total yes from me. I was kind of confused as to why ' and her cat who thinks he’s a dog' would be a bad thing? It doesn't really work for me, because it seems kind of like an everyday thing.
'But Misty Dawn, suddenly serious, knows that their two worlds could never combine, could they?' I might cut down this sentence, get rid of 'suddenly serious' and the 'could they?' to make it more declarative. Good luck with this, it seems awesome!
I really appreciate the kind words about my revisions! I can totally see the point about the wording in the last bit. Thank you so much for the feedback, and good luck to you :)
ReplyDeleteHey there, #2 coming late to revision party.
ReplyDeleteI like the query a lot more. The only question I have now is how do Misty and Violet get the money to go to the ranch? Rodeo clown doesn't bug me at all, that just seems a like fun element.
You've clearly done some hard to work make the 250 more show, less tell, and it's working. I'd give one more go around though.
I spent a summer of college out in Montana and Wyoming so the idea of the book appeals to me a lot.
There's something brewing here that I like (so yes!).
Great voice in the query. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around a hippie rodeo clown though--is "hippie" really vital to your story? If not, I would axe it from the query (even if the parents remain hippies in the story, when you have more room to make the seeming contradiction work). And some may disagree, but I think twin cowboys as the love interests is cliche. Couldn't they be best friends or even brothers rather than twins? That put me off immediately even though the idea of the girls working on a ranch for spring break sounds like a premise with tons of potential (both romantic and comedic).
ReplyDeleteI know you said this is an early draft, so I'm going to go ahead and wonder aloud if you're starting in the right place? If Spring Break is where the action's happening, I wouldn't start at Christmas Break. Three months is a lifetime to a college student and I'm guessing the main action of your story takes place in a single week, which makes those three months longer still.
I think the last three paragraphs of this first 250 are missing the great voice of your query and first few paragraphs. You start by mentioning a second time that she's broke (which you already covered) and then the bit with her mom "illuminating" the lights (word choice) is a little clunky, the dialogue is a bit off too. Then the last line about how she calls her Mom by her first name is very tell-y. I don't think you need to spell that bit out quite so much--we probably all went through a stage in our lives when we either wanted to call our parents by their first names or actually did, so we get it. Show us some other stuff about this MC and what she's all about. What makes her different from every other broke college student and why should we read on? You're on the right track...keep at it.
Best of luck from #13...