Title: What the Water Gave Us
Genre: Social Science Fiction
Word Count: 97,000
Genre: Social Science Fiction
Word Count: 97,000
As the virus spreads so does their power.
Prince Anton’s family has long dominated their disease-ravaged planet. Blessed with genetic immunity, the treatments derived from their blood gives them control over a desperate public. But the rules Anton made to protect citizens like his estranged wife now condemn them.
Guilt over a deadly accident they’ve kept secret for a decade took Tia and Anton down divergent paths; Tia becomes a leader in the liberation movement, and Anton head of the Unity Defense Forces. Now Anton’s obsession with saving this war-torn land from the disease throws both their lives into chaos.
As eradication of the virus comes within reach, Anton’s vicious uncle, the Tsar Regent, cuts off delivery of all doses to protect his political interests. Left with only the limited supplies his own blood can provide, Anton continues to deport the infected instead of saving them. Bound by love, but wrenched apart by conflicting morals Tia and Anton find each other on opposing sides of an insurrection after Tia discovers Anton’s dark methods. With adversaries closing in on all sides Anton faces a choice. Fight his own government for more doses, or continue with the protocols that now leave Tia ineligible for one?
WHAT THE WATER GAVE US is social science fiction, complete at 97,000 words.
I think this sounds like an interesting premise, but the presentation can be strengthened by simplifying. For example, the third paragraph seems to throw your momentum. I had to reread a few times to get why we were being introduced to Tia, and it's not until the last paragraph that we learn Anton still loves her. (She is the estranged wife, yes? I hear "estranged" and I think of separation/divorce)
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think the first sentence is confusing rather than intriguing: we don't yet know who "they" are, and at first I thought you were referring to the virus itself in third person.
And about Anton's choice: he doesn't seem to be a very sympathetic main character. By implication I know the politics are complicated, but the "right" thing, fighting to cure everyone, isn't even mentioned. Only Tia is a factor for making him potentially take on his people? Where is his morality? I'm drawn much more to Tia, who seems to be fighting for the side of right...
Like I mentioned, the premise sounds great and I can see the layers of intrigue here, but because I had to reread the query quite a few times to really get a sense for the story, I have to say no. Best of luck tightening this up!
No. While I think the query is well-written, I guess the premise didn't really strike me as original enough to pique my interest. I think you could strengthen your query by showing what makes your world and characters unique, and why we should be rooting for Anton.
ReplyDeleteNo. Sorry but this reads more like a synopsis than an enticement to a potential reader. The first sentence and paragraph are way cool but the third bogs the message down.
ReplyDeleteCD Coffelt ponders at Spirit Called
And critiques at UnicornBell
No. I don't get much sense of Anton or Tia from this. They come across as rather flat and without personality.
ReplyDeleteYes. I agree that I can't tell much about Anton and whether we will be rooting for him or not, but I am interested enough by the layers of intrigue to vote yes.
ReplyDeleteThis one's a no for me.
ReplyDeleteYour hook line is too vague to really work as a hook.
"Prince Anton’s family has long dominated their disease-ravaged planet. Blessed with genetic immunity, the treatments derived from their blood gives them control over a desperate public. But the rules Anton made to protect citizens like his estranged wife now condemn them." The first part is a pretty good start but the last sentence sideswipes it. What rules? How does it protect them? And why does he want to protect his estranged wife?
"Guilt over a deadly accident they’ve kept secret for a decade took Tia and Anton down divergent paths; Tia becomes a leader in the liberation movement, and Anton head of the Unity Defense Forces. Now Anton’s obsession with saving this war-torn land from the disease throws both their lives into chaos." This sounds like a beginning paragraph. It's stronger than the one you placed before it, except that it also gets vague in places. Why is there a liberation movement? What exactly did they disagree on? Anton's goal in the last sentence sounds pretty good, so why did his wife oppose him? Their relationship is missing in the query letter.
"As eradication of the virus comes within reach, Anton’s vicious uncle, the Tsar Regent, cuts off delivery of all doses to protect his political interests. Left with only the limited supplies his own blood can provide, Anton continues to deport the infected instead of saving them. Bound by love, but wrenched apart by conflicting morals Tia and Anton find each other on opposing sides of an insurrection after Tia discovers Anton’s dark methods. With adversaries closing in on all sides Anton faces a choice. Fight his own government for more doses, or continue with the protocols that now leave Tia ineligible for one?" Is Anton the one looking for a way to eradicate the disease? If he's supposed to be the protagonist why is he acting like the minion of his family by continuing to deport people? Why isn't he in on the resistance? The inner conflict is confusing the way you've worded it, as are the character motivations.
Some clarity would be good.
No, there are parts that have piqued my interest but it seems like more of a synopsis because there is a lot of information jammed into the query. I think if you picked out the one main conflict in the story and focused the query on that, it would read stronger and stand out more.
ReplyDeleteNo. The hook is pretty good, but then the query seems to digress and become uneven and unclear. The second paragraph needs some work. Watch out for using "They" and "Them" too much. Your premise is solid, but the query could use clarity and voice. I do like the idea of the central conflict here.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI *do* like the opening sentence. But there is too much which comes after that is not clear.
Who is Tia? Is that his estranged wife, perhaps?
HOW do the rules Anton made to protect citizens now condemn them?
The deadly accident seems like a major plot driver. But you say nothing more about it.
Anton "continues to deport the infected." But wait, I thought he (and his family) used their blood to control the people, as in, keep them as minions. Why are they being deported?
Also, in the third paragraph you state that Tia has joined the liberation. So in the fourth paragraph, "Tia and Anton find each other on opposing sides of an insurrection" should be a given.
One grammar thing. Look at the sentence "treatments derived from their blood gives" then take out "derived from their blood." You'll see that it should be "give."
Finally, what is SOCIAL science fiction?