Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: 72,000
Jane's vision, voice, and memories were stolen by three pesky stars. All because of a not-so-precious family heirloom, her dusty old locket. She'd gladly give it up, if not for just one small problem. She's not sure who to give it to. The old sorceress who took her in when her mother died? Or the mysterious and handsome Wizard Quail who hasn't quite asked her for it. Yet.
But as she begins her quest to recover her voice, vision, and memories, she learns that giving up the necklace might not be an option. Especially if it really is the key stopping a brutal war between Gael's Magical and Mundane communities. But with so many people hunting her, hanging onto it won't be easy. The only way she'll be strong enough to resist capture is if she finds the missing pieces of herself, and fast.
No - too vague, too many unknowns, I think tightening and clarification will help with what seems like it may be a good premise.
ReplyDeleteNo. I like the element of wizards and magic, but I'm not real clear as to what's so special about the dusty old locket.
ReplyDeleteThis is another one that I think could be strengthened by a little more detail (usually the opposite is true!) The first paragraph seems to be where you introduce the world and characters, but there isn't enough detail there to really solidify what's happening and why. The conflict and set up in the second paragraph also lack a little oomph. Why is everyone after the locket? What does Jane want and how is she the key to it all? My vote is a No, but good luck tightening this up!
ReplyDeleteNo but if I had an alternate, I’d pick this one. Great mystery and love the last line.
ReplyDeleteCD Coffelt ponders at Spirit Called
And critiques at UnicornBell
No, I'm afraid not. I was lost in the first line with the "pesky stars." Stars stole her voice? I'll agree with the others that some more detail would really help and I'd probably be more intrigued then!
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm not really clear on what's going on. It also seems like the real conflict is buried. I would like to see you focus on that a little more. I also didn't connect with the MC. Could you show us a little more about who she is?
ReplyDeleteThis one's a no for me.
ReplyDelete"Jane's vision, voice, and memories were stolen by three pesky stars." While you, as the writer, probably know all the ins and outs of meaning behind this sentence, to me, as a reader, it makes no sense at all. A wall of disbelief is rising.
"All because of a not-so-precious family heirloom, her dusty old locket." How does the locket connect to the three pesky stars? And why does this make her want to give it up? How did she find out she had missing memories? Did someone tell her?
The rest dissolves into generic-ness. The dots aren't connecting to make a picture. And it's very difficult to understand what this story is supposed to be about, except some girl with amnesia (of sorts.)
No. Like the others said, I feel like you're throwing a lot at me, but I'm learning anything abut the book. You mention stars, but never really explain them. War? Why war? How did she lose the pieces of herself? Just not sure I get it it.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck. I'm sure you'll get it there.
Sorry... Typing on mobile, should have said: "but I'm NOT learning anything about the book."
DeleteThis is a no for me. I was confused by "pesky stars" and completely lost by the end of the paragraph. We have no idea what the locket does, why she has to regain memories you didn't mention she'd lost, or whether the missing pieces of herself are literal or a metaphor for the necklace. As well, the sentence structure is rather choppy, with punctuation cutting sentences short before their logical conclusion.
ReplyDeleteI think we need world-building context first. Introduce the protagonist and all she's lost - if the voice, memories, and such are literal - but quickly move on to the world she lives in. I thought it was contemporary until the last paragraph.
No, there was a missing word "key TO stopping a brutal war", also, I felt like there was a lot of information but I felt somewhat confused and wasn't hooked enough by the main character and her story.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what you mean by 'stars.' Also, what is their relationship to the other characters mentioned. I can't see where they fall into the picture.
ReplyDeleteI'm also not sure what the locket does and why everyone wants it?
I'm afraid this query needs more details to be enticing. It does sound like a fun read, though.
Hi everyone! Thanks so much for the extremely helpful feedback! I'm posting my updated version here if anyone wants to take a stab at it. Thanks again!
ReplyDeleteTrying to escape her dark-wizard-trapping locket, Jane accidentally paints her voice, vision, and memories into stars. Yes, the ones from the sky, only now they’re running around Gael as glimmering little nymphs. But the ritual doesn’t even work, and now she’s stuck with the spirit of a creepy old wizard hanging around her throat. Even if she could give it away, she's not sure who to give it to. The old sorceress who took her in when her mother died? Or the mysterious and handsome Wizard Quail who hasn't quite asked her for it. Yet.
But on her quest to find these stars and reclaim her voice, vision, and memories, she learns that giving up the necklace might not be an option. She’s the only one that can contain the dark spirit inside, as well as the power that comes with it. She doesn’t want it, but there are people that would use that power to start a brutal war between Gael's Magical and Mundane communities. If she doesn’t find her missing pieces, she won’t be strong enough to protect the necklace from Gael’s enemies, or herself from the evil inside.
The second query has WAY more voice, which is awesome. It is also more clear. I am very curious about Wizard Quail and I already want him to ask for the locket, but then again, why is she trying to give it away? Perhaps she is really wanting to get rid of it? Ditch it on the next sucker who wants some more magic? If that's what is going on, which is sort of implied, you could say so more clearly to add to the already great voice going on. You might want to mention earlier that she actually can't speak, see, or remember anything (even though you say voice, vision and memories, it doesn't click until later that she's actually working to get her self back. It's very close, just some tiny polishings and you'll be getting requests!
ReplyDeleteI agree, your query definitely has more voice. To be critical, 'Yes, the ones from the sky' should be its own sentence.
ReplyDeleteThese are the questions/comments I have based on this query alone.
1. Is Jane trapped in the locket? If so, is she a dark wizard?
2. If she ACCIDENTALLY paints her voice, memories, vision in the stars, how could it be a ritual?
3. Middle of the first paragraph clarifies that SHE is not trapped in the locket, rather and actual evil wizard. Why not say 'In attempts to rid herself of her dark-wizard-trapping locket...'
4. Why does she want to get rid of the locket?
5. Did she lock ALL of her memories/voice/vision in the stars. If it is all, how does she know who she is/what she's doing/where she's going/who to trust?
6. I thought the locket was keeping the wizard trapped. Who is Jane and what is her power? Is she a witch/sorceress?
7. I think the stakes need to be presented much stronger than they are now. I don't get a sense of all that is at stake here. I know there could be a war, but I'm just barely introduced to the side (magical vs mundane) so I don't have anything invested in them or the stakes.
Hope this helps. Thanks for critiquing my rewrite.
Later days.
-Ravenous
I did not read your original query as part of the first go-around. And I intentionally avoided reading the others' comments just now.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, I liked the first query overall better than the second. In fact, I liked it a lot up to "But with so many people hunting her, hanging onto it won't be easy. The only way she'll be strong enough to resist capture is if she finds the missing pieces of herself, and fast."
I thought your original first sentence was brilliant. And in either case, I just don't like the phrase "won’t be strong enough to protect."
If I may be so bold as to offer my mash-up:
Jane's vision, voice, and memories were stolen by three pesky stars. All because of a not-so-precious family heirloom, a dusty old locket. She would gladly give it up. But to whom? The old sorceress who took her in when her mother died? The mysterious wizard, who hasn't quite asked for it...yet?
As Jane begins the quest to recover her vision, voice, and memories, she learns that giving up the necklace might not be an option. She’s the only one who can contain the dark spirit inside. ***WHY???*** She doesn’t want the power it holds. But there are those who would use it to start a brutal war between Gael's Magical and Mundane communities. And if she can’t find THE MISSING PIECES, she won’t be able to protect the necklace from Gael’s enemies, let alone herself, from the EVIL INSIDE.
A few explanations:
I wasn't sure what "the missing pieces" refers to. If it's pieces of the locket, I would say something like, "the pieces of the locket stolen by (someone)" or "lost when (whatever)" If it's her voice, vision, memories, that I would replace "missing pieces" with "that which the pesky stars stole." (And maybe add, "12 years ago," or whatever.)
And in the final sentence, I would just rephrase and elaborate on "evil inside." What is it? A curse? A trapped soul?
Just some thoughts. Take them or leave them. If you want to discuss, feel free to drop me a line.
I'm going to head back over to #20 to add some comments right now...not to rebut you, but to explain and clarify, which should help you to offer me some insights, should you choose to stop by and do so.