Title: PRINCESS OF SWANS
Genre: YA fantasy
Word Count: 84,000Dear Agent Awesomesauce, To Feyana Belmaron, Amgovar's scandalously biracial heir to the throne, “princess” is just a synonym for “prisoner.” After a wartime plot disfigured the princess and killed her mother, the king forbade his scarred daughter to leave her castle until the end of the war. Ten years later, Feyana gives up hope that her father will ever let her out—and with a face like hers, no storybook prince is likely to come to her rescue. But perhaps she can come to his. When Feyana learns that her marriage to the handsome prince of Cathys, her country's bitter enemy, could end the war for good, she defies her father, scales the wall, and sets out to find and court the prince. But the world outside her castle walls is far more dangerous than she believed, full of pirates, soldiers, and thieves eager to get their bloodstained hands on Amgovar’s sheltered heir. Her only allies, a lowborn thief and an infamous monster, are both convicted criminals—and one is a traitor as well. Unless Feyana learns to protect herself, and fast, she could lose a lot more than just her freedom: she could lose her life. PRINCESS OF SWANS is an 84,000 word YA fantasy in the vein of Rae Carson's THE GIRL OF FIRE AND THORNS. |
Monday, March 25, 2013
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Yes.
ReplyDeleteThat is all. I think this query is superb. I wish I could pull this sort of clean writing off!
OK, I lied, there is one thing that has no relevance to the strength of the query... you might want to reconsider your reference to Rae Carson, because the similarities between the plot lines really struck me, after you mentioned that book. I don't know if this could possibly hinder an agent's interest in the story? They might consider it too similar to something already in print? I would look for comps that speak to style rather than plot. But, take that advice with a grain of salt... I'm no agent. :)
Your first sentence tripped me up a lot. Because your names are so unique, grouping them together the way you have asks a lot of the reader, and I'm not invested in your story enough to give much. And I feel like the 'scandalously biracial' bit means she's the illegitimate heir to the throne?? It doesn't mesh well with your query and it only adds clutter to your first sentence.
ReplyDeleteI feel like the meat of your first paragraph (minus mention of the war) can be summed up with: Held hostage in a castle by her overprotective father, the disfigured Princess Feyana give up hope she will ever see the other side of the castle walls.
I like the 'with a face like her's' part. Really adds voice to you query.
The second (major) paragraph is good, but there are some punctuation errors and wonky sentence structure issues. I would take out the word that in the first sentence. I recommend ending the second sentence of the paragraph after 'than she believed. Then combine the next two sentences.
'Her only allies ARE a lowborn thief and an infamous monster(what kind of monster)'
The last line of the paragraph doesn't seal the deal for me. It's not big enough. So what if she dies. Will the world change? If so, how so? That should be your sinker. What is the ultimate result of her demise.
Haven't read the other entries yet so I'll be back soon to give you a yes or no. Hope my comments helped. Laters.
After reviewing my group of queries, my answer for this will have to be no.
DeleteYes. I love the idea of a disfigured princess courting the enemy prince. The query is tight and short, and tells us everything we need to know. Her shady allies and dangerous kingdom sound awesome too. I hope you get this published so I can read it!
ReplyDeleteNo but reluctantly. Unique twist to a romance. Possibly cut the unfamiliar words like Cathys, Amgovar, and her last name. This keeps the reader from tripping over them.
ReplyDeleteCD Coffelt ponders at Spirit Called
And critiques at UnicornBell
I have a weakness for runaway princesses. That said, I'm not sure why the biracial detail is important. It doesn't really get brought up again in the rest of the query. Also I think the last sentence would work better if you bring it back around to stopping the war and uniting the kingdoms, instead of fear for her life. I think the other parts of the query makes the danger to her clear enough. Other than those points, this query is very direct and sort of snappy!
ReplyDeleteYes vote.
Yes. Although I feel that there is a decent amount of room for improvement in this query, the premise of the story is presented well enough to interest me in reading more. I think the biggest problem is the first sentence. There is too much going on with names as part of it.
ReplyDeleteMy vote is no on this one.
ReplyDelete"To Feyana Belmaron, Amgovar's scandalously biracial heir to the throne, “princess” is just a synonym for “prisoner.” The biracial factor, while an interesting side-thread, is not the detail you need to bring out. It makes no other appearance in the rest of the query. The fact that she was disfigured does. That should be the opening impact detail. The biracial thing shouldn't matter to the king.
Now, why he wants her locked up, we need to know that. Is he afraid of losing her? Why for only the duration of the war?
Good twist with her becoming pro-active and heading out to change her fate.
"When Feyana learns that her marriage to the handsome prince of Cathys, her country's bitter enemy, could end the war for good, she defies her father, scales the wall, and sets out to find and court the prince." Change the beginning part of this. As worded, it first makes you think her father's created an arranged marriage for her. And then we wonder why she's running away from a handsome prince - oh, wait, it isn't a done deal. The other confusing part is how she comes to the conclusion that marriage to the prince will end the war. If she's been locked up in the tower, how did she know there was an eligible prince, that he's handsome, and that she needs to marry him?
"But the world outside her castle walls is far more dangerous than she believed, full of pirates, soldiers, and thieves eager to get their bloodstained hands on Amgovar’s sheltered heir." Because? What do they hope to gain? Again, something is missing, the reason why she's valuable to her father or her country.
Okay, after she decides to go court a prince, she runs into all kinds of trouble, makes two interesting friends (nice character twists on them, by the way) and then the query fizzles out to a generic she needs to defend herself. Is the bulk of the story her trying to reach the prince or her attempts to court him? I'm not sure where this story is headed.
And there is no clue as to why you have called it Princess of Swans. That would be helpful.
With some tweaking, I think this query could get into shape quickly.
Yes, I loved the idea that the heroine was disfigured rather than the typical beauty or geek, it was short and to the point and I really enjoyed it.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI found myself distracted from your message by loose ends and inconsistencies. Your heroine is "scandalously biracial." Why is it scandalous?
What is a "wartime plot?" People get hurt, killed, disfigured in war all the time...what's the plot?
Also, you say she defies her father, and seeks out the prince. But if he wants her to marry the prince, she's not defying him. She's helping him.
I'll end with two generic bits of take-it-or-leave it advice, which I've said elsewhere in other comments.
1. This may be one man's opinion, but blogger Chuck Sambuchino says YA should be no more than 70,000 words. Take it for what it's worth.
2. ALWAYS be careful when comparing your book to someone else's. If the agent happens to love Rae Carson's THE GIRL OF FIRE AND THORNS, then your book had better blow it away. Otherwise, he or she will be disappointed.