Title: Nightmares
Genre: YA thriller
Word Count: 64,700
Tommy's heart was racing.
Threatening to leap out of his chest.
He should have been doing something normal.
Like studying.
Instead, he was standing on a ledge.
Fifty feet above the ground.
Staring into the glowing eyes of the monster.
The monster that killed his girlfriend.
The monster that could be taking over his body, growing within his cells right now.
The monster that, a week ago, was a man...a man with a family.
Until Tommy changed all that.
Tommy realized he should have listened to the critics and his own gut, both of which had said that dream manipulation program was dangerous, and could produce unexpected consequences. Well, the consequence—all seven feet of it—was at that moment baring its fangs and flexing its claws.
Remember: Dreams sometimes can go astray, and when they do, that's what we call...
Threatening to leap out of his chest.
He should have been doing something normal.
Like studying.
Instead, he was standing on a ledge.
Fifty feet above the ground.
Staring into the glowing eyes of the monster.
The monster that killed his girlfriend.
The monster that could be taking over his body, growing within his cells right now.
The monster that, a week ago, was a man...a man with a family.
Until Tommy changed all that.
Tommy realized he should have listened to the critics and his own gut, both of which had said that dream manipulation program was dangerous, and could produce unexpected consequences. Well, the consequence—all seven feet of it—was at that moment baring its fangs and flexing its claws.
Remember: Dreams sometimes can go astray, and when they do, that's what we call...
NIGHTMARES is a YA thriller, complete at 64,700 words. I am seeking representation, and would appreciate your consideration.
About me:
I am a former journalist, but my current day job is in information security for a regional bank. Or, as my son could say even at age three, "Daddy keeps people's money safe." I have published three books: [redacted]. Recent "short" credits include [redacted. Just keep in mind that there are a lot and with good anthologies :)]
I am a former journalist, but my current day job is in information security for a regional bank. Or, as my son could say even at age three, "Daddy keeps people's money safe." I have published three books: [redacted]. Recent "short" credits include [redacted. Just keep in mind that there are a lot and with good anthologies :)]
Other than that, I spend my spare time rasslin' with three young'uns.
No. After reading this, all I know about your protagonist is that he's currently terrified, something killed his girlfriend, and that he feels guilty about something. All I know about the plot is that it somehow involves a dream manipulation program (what is that?) turning people into monsters. I would need more to go on--what makes your protagonist and story different from every other "people turning into monsters" story out there?--before I could say "yes" to this.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteNo. This is extended jacket cover teaser material, not a query. I like the implications of a guilty protagonist and a mysterious dream manipulation program that turns people into monsters, though. But it needs to be in a query format.
ReplyDeleteOut of sheer curiosity and the merit of your writing creds, I want to read more. Yes, it reads like a cover flap, but if that is enough to intrigue a reader, why shouldn't it be enough to intrigue an agent.
ReplyDeleteYou should definitely watch your unneeded words (could be, has, and that are all [that] I saw.)
One more query to read before I give my yeas and nays. This query definitely just made my choice a little harder. Hope my comments helped. Laters.
YES!!!!!
DeleteI really like this query. Yes, it breaks the rules. But it does so very well. Great job and I really hope to see this on shelves. Nightmares...I'll be looking for that title on shelves in a few years. :)
My vote would be no. The premise, which I understand to be about this Tommy, monsters who used to be people, and a dead girlfriend, does hold promise to be interesting, but the way it is written just did not hold me. Queries need to be in query format, and they need to convey who the protagonist is, what the stakes are, and what gets in the way of the protagonist. This reads like a book jacket summary, and while intriguing, I would definitely need more information about what is going on to fully get a cohesive idea and read more. Best of luck.
ReplyDeleteA reluctant ‘No’. Unique approach and totally unorthodox. I like it. But you lose it at the end. IMHO, as an example, cut and edit the last paragraph to: Dream manipulation was dangerous and could produce unexpected consequences. And the consequence—all seven feet of it—was at that moment baring its fangs and flexing its claws.
ReplyDeleteCD Coffelt ponders at Spirit Called
And critiques at UnicornBell
I have to vote No.
ReplyDeleteI think I see what your going for here - building suspense through the choppy narrative. I am guessing you started with the comment on the racing heart to set up the style. That's not really best practice as some others will undoubtedly note, but let's assume that's ok (not saying it is, but will leave that to others).
If you are going to use this format, I think you need to make sure the narrative reflects a building tension. As I see it, the climax of your tension is that the monster Tommy is becoming has already killed his girl friend. If not, I have kind of an ethics problem. Is it really a bigger deal that Tommy is changing than that he killed his true love? It seems rather selfish, and I want to like Tommy. Unless of course there are others at risk, but you didn't tell me that, so I wouldn't know.
Also, Punctuation in a piece like this it must not only be correct, but consistent. You should not put a period at the end of sentence fragments and you should probably use either all fragments or all sentences (even if you split lines, the grammer should still be managable)
In summary, I think if you are going to go with a non-traditional approach, it has to be both compelling and flawlessly executed.
Best of luck.
Yes. I like the visual and intriguing nature of your query. It does break the rules, but I find in quite interesting and definitely something I'd pick up in a bookstore, therefore I'd want to read more!
ReplyDeleteI'm going to say no on this one. This is pretty much the writer trying to sneak in an excerpt of the story instead of telling us what the story is about. While it's interesting, and the premise has a lot of potential, but there's not enough information here to convince me.
ReplyDeleteRules are meant to be broken, but I don't know about it for querying. This format doesn't do it for me, so it's a No.
ReplyDeleteYes, but although I like that you took a risk with the format, I felt like I needed more information about the storyline.
ReplyDeleteI like your concept, but I think you should try to capture that same excitement and urgency in a regular query letter. I've seen many agents warn not to query from a character's pov and this is quite close to that.
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing agents want to see if you can master both the style of a query letter and also the style of a manuscript. That is why so many require sample pages, so they can see both types of your writing.
No, but I think you're close. I'd cut out the repetition in the beginning--"The Monster..." Then leave out the info about the dream manipulation program because you don't want to give everything away. Leave some mystery for the agent to want more. :)
ReplyDeleteTommy's heart was racing.
ReplyDeleteThreatening to leap out of his chest.
He should have been doing something normal.
Like studying, or playing video games with his buddy.
Not standing on the cornice of a church.
50 feet above the pavement.
Staring into the eyes of the monster.
Wondering which of them would die tonight.
Tommy couldn’t die.
Not here.
Not now.
He had to stop it.
Before it killed again.
And before it happened to him.
A week ago, the monster had been a man.
A man with a family.
Until Tommy changed all that.
Remember: Dreams sometimes can go astray, and when they do, that's what we call...
NIGHTMARES is a YA suspense novel, complete at 64,700 words. I am seeking representation, and would appreciate your consideration.
Okay, so I'm torn. I do like this, it's suspenseful and easy to read with it broken into verse-like stanzas. But at the same time, I worry that agents might be passing on a really cool story because it is so unorthodox. I think it can work, but you still have to give us the clear-cut stakes. We know Tommy has to face-off with a man-turned monster, but how did he get here, and why Tommy? And what will happen if he loses? He'll die? And what happens if he wins? Won't he feel guilty about killing a man with a family? How will killing this monster prevent Tommy from becoming one (I think that's what you're going with this?). It reads so much like an excerpt that I don't think we quite get enough of the story.
DeleteI don't like the "Remember: Dreams sometimes can go astray" line. It feels a little forced feeding into the title of the book like that. If dreams/nightmares come into play in this story, put that in the actual query. Because at this point, the "monster" could just be a man with a gun. We don't know enough to know.
Oh, and I'm post #15 :-)
DeleteChristine, thanks for your comments. To EXPLAIN what is going on...
DeleteTommy enrolls in a dream-transfer experiment, in which he shares his dreams with a nightmare-addled partner named Bob. But Tommy thinks something is going on at the Dream Institute. So he investigates, and finds monsters in cages, the experiments gone astray. Unfortunately, the images are transferred to Bob, and through the fiction-miracle of brain chemistry, his body changes into that of a monster. Bob (now a real, literal monster) kills his family, and others. And he's hunting Tommy, since Tommy did it to him. Make sense?
Hopefully that helps. So...
"how did he get here," Tommy led him there in an effort to kill him.
"and why Tommy?" I think the explanation clarifies that. I was hoping that "until Tommy changed all that" would have been enough. Obviously not.
"And what will happen if he loses? He'll die?" Yes, and the monster keeps on killing.
"And what happens if he wins? Won't he feel guilty about killing a man with a family?" No, Bob is a literal monster now, and his family is dead.
"How will killing this monster prevent Tommy from becoming one (I think that's what you're going with this?" It won't prevent it. It's just that the same fiction-miracle brain chemistry stuff is working on him.
" at this point, the "monster" could just be a man with a gun" Before, I mentioned claws and glowing eyes. I guess I should put it back.
Feel free to share (again) your thoughts.