Title: MYSTERY AT GEEK CAMP
Genre: Upper middle grade mystery
Word count: 49,000
Query:
Jared lives for video games, so he’s pumped for the chance to design his own at summer camp. When star-teen programmer, Brent Kagon, shows up at camp too, Jared figures he’ll learn exactly what he needs to top the iTunes Apps chart.
But Brent is too busy finishing his latest killer app to waste time with “noob” programmers. Noob? Jared’s determined to show his idol he has skill by making his app The Best. Game. Ever. But his plans crash when he finds Brent unconscious, slumped on his laptop. Brent’s game code is missing!
Chaos descends as cops and the media arrive, then levels up as accusations fly. Everyone’s freaking — Brent because the thief stole his best ideas, the camp director because Brent’s threatening to sue, and Jared because his name’s at the top of Brent’s suspect list. Things can’t get any worse. Then Jared’s mystery-loving sister, Maxine, decides the investigation sounds more interesting than her camp program. Jared’s got to find the real thief before he’s hauled off to juvie. And now he’s got “help” from the only person more likely than Brent Kagon to make him blow his top.
MYSTERY AT GEEK CAMP is upper middle grade fiction with a high tech spin told from Jared and Maxine’s perspectives. Complete at 49,000 words, it forces ‘tween Hardy Boys to work with Nancy Drew on a crime that will appeal to the Minecraft generation.
Jared lives for video games, so he’s pumped for the chance to design his own at summer camp. When star-teen programmer, Brent Kagon, shows up at camp too, Jared figures he’ll learn exactly what he needs to top the iTunes Apps chart.
But Brent is too busy finishing his latest killer app to waste time with “noob” programmers. Noob? Jared’s determined to show his idol he has skill by making his app The Best. Game. Ever. But his plans crash when he finds Brent unconscious, slumped on his laptop. Brent’s game code is missing!
Chaos descends as cops and the media arrive, then levels up as accusations fly. Everyone’s freaking — Brent because the thief stole his best ideas, the camp director because Brent’s threatening to sue, and Jared because his name’s at the top of Brent’s suspect list. Things can’t get any worse. Then Jared’s mystery-loving sister, Maxine, decides the investigation sounds more interesting than her camp program. Jared’s got to find the real thief before he’s hauled off to juvie. And now he’s got “help” from the only person more likely than Brent Kagon to make him blow his top.
MYSTERY AT GEEK CAMP is upper middle grade fiction with a high tech spin told from Jared and Maxine’s perspectives. Complete at 49,000 words, it forces ‘tween Hardy Boys to work with Nancy Drew on a crime that will appeal to the Minecraft generation.
First 250:
You wouldn’t call me “gifted” unless awesome video game skill counted. According to Mom, it didn’t. But here I was, headed to a camp for math and science nerds.
The bus bumped up a steep, narrow road and stopped in front of a small building surrounded by trees. Hartland Mountain Science Academy. The camp was run by this private school for smart kids.
The thought of spending a week surrounded by brainiacs made my hands clammy. But I’d signed up to take my favorite thing in life to the next level by creating games. I couldn’t back out now.
I followed the backpack in front of me off the bus and looked around. Most campers headed toward counselors standing near the tree line. They’d be the ones who’d signed up for outdoorsy programs.
Standing by the walkway that led to the building was a smaller group. I pointed. “Those are the gamers.”
My best friend, Aaron, and I walked over. I was about to say “hi” to a chunky, red-headed guy when a sleek convertible rolled up next to us.
“I wish my mom had that car,” Aaron said.
“Yeah. Why’d he get to skip the smelly bus?” I asked.
A guy wearing dark, mirrored rock-star sunglasses got out of the passenger seat. He had a scowl on his face, black hair that stuck out in every direction, and the thinnest, most beautiful MacBook I’d ever seen tucked protectively under his arm.
Red elbowed me. “That’s Brent Kagon,” he whispered.
You wouldn’t call me “gifted” unless awesome video game skill counted. According to Mom, it didn’t. But here I was, headed to a camp for math and science nerds.
The bus bumped up a steep, narrow road and stopped in front of a small building surrounded by trees. Hartland Mountain Science Academy. The camp was run by this private school for smart kids.
The thought of spending a week surrounded by brainiacs made my hands clammy. But I’d signed up to take my favorite thing in life to the next level by creating games. I couldn’t back out now.
I followed the backpack in front of me off the bus and looked around. Most campers headed toward counselors standing near the tree line. They’d be the ones who’d signed up for outdoorsy programs.
Standing by the walkway that led to the building was a smaller group. I pointed. “Those are the gamers.”
My best friend, Aaron, and I walked over. I was about to say “hi” to a chunky, red-headed guy when a sleek convertible rolled up next to us.
“I wish my mom had that car,” Aaron said.
“Yeah. Why’d he get to skip the smelly bus?” I asked.
A guy wearing dark, mirrored rock-star sunglasses got out of the passenger seat. He had a scowl on his face, black hair that stuck out in every direction, and the thinnest, most beautiful MacBook I’d ever seen tucked protectively under his arm.
Red elbowed me. “That’s Brent Kagon,” he whispered.
You had me the second Brent's game code disappeared. As a geeky computer dork who likes games, this type of story is right up my alley. The query lays out the main character, the conflict and the stakes well.
ReplyDeleteThe first page is a good introduction to the main characters. I'm not someone who desperately needs to see explosions or tons of action on the first page, and what you have works for me. I'd keep reading.
My primary comment is that I don't get an idea of how old Jared is from the query, and the voice sounds a little more YA than upper MG to me (says the woman who has no kids). Also, I know that 45,000 words is within the zone for MG, but I hesitate at a 45,000 word mystery for 11 and 12-year-olds. Maybe it feels short because it doesn't feel like MG to?
And for those two very ridiculous, nit-picky reasons (and the fact that I'm only allowed to pick 2 out of 20), I'd probably say no to this, but I'd be crying while I said it.
Ok, I re-read the rules, and I realized that since I critiqued almost all of them, I get to pick more than two. YIPPEE!!! I haven't stopped thinking about this since last night.
DeleteGIMMEE! (That's a yes.)
Yes!
ReplyDeleteI love this! Very voice-y, and I love how the MC "talks" to the reader. As the previous commenter, mentioned, I'd like a clearer sense of the MC's age. The whole "Minecraft Generation" remark is awesome, especially as you link it to Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew.
Good Luck!
I am #15
DeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteYou seem to really understand your market, which is superb because that means you can write to it. It came across in the premise, the voice, and especially the comps. I loved the little Minecraft tidbit thrown in there.
The only thing I'd change is to make your gamer protag a girl, but that's because I'm a gamer girl myself. ;) In all actuality, I wouldn't change it, though, since that would be getting away from your audience, which you nailed perfectly, so never mind me. Haha.
No.
ReplyDeleteA subjective no, though. Your query is awesome. But I feel like the voice is YA. The characters sounded 17 to me instead of 12/13. Maybe that's nitpicky on my part, but comparing the YA voice to the short word count, plus the sad fact that though Maxine is a POV character, she doesn't get much spotlight in the query until prior to the last sentence.So this is a sad subjective no.
Yes.
ReplyDeleteGood query. I knew exactly what the story was about on the first read, and I like it.
I can see this appealing to readers, particularly boys, in this age group. I like you have the sister in there to appeal to the girls. I hope she is every bit as clever as her brother and not too stereotypically annoying. Smart peeve, Maxine seems like a pretty old fashioned name for the sister.
Well done.
I am #12
Yes. . . but with one strong reservation.
ReplyDeleteI loved your query and first 250. I'm not sold on the idea of it being told through two POVs. Maxine gets so little time and attention in both the query and 250. (Okay, I understand the 250--since Jared obviously starts the narrative off, but she should at least come into the query more.) Maxine has got to come in more if at all possible. Otherwise, I'm start to question you as a writer: Why isn't this story told only through Jared's eyes? Why do we need Maxine?
So I'd request more pages, but I'd be looking carefully to see how Maxine comes in and how quickly she becomes a "real" part of the story.
I hope this makes sense. Best of luck!
I'm #14.
This is a hesitant yes from me.
ReplyDeleteI thought the query was very strong. I got a sense of the character, conflict, and stakes. However, if this is also told from Maxine's POV I would expect to see a paragraph about her in there, which makes me wonder whether her POV is necessary. I'd also love to know if Maxine is older or younger, and I have to second what Anonymous said above, that I hope Maxine is just as awesome and clever as Jared comes across.
I liked the 250, but I didn't love it. It was a little on the slow side, but I don't think it was necessarily starting in the wrong place. I'm also a little on the fence as to whether this feels more YA to me. I really don't get any sense of how old Jared is, though him calling the bus "smelly" makes him sound younger. I'm sorry that I don't have any really specific advise on the 250, but there's just not that "something" that's pulling me in. Even with that, I have a feeling that this is a really great story.
Great job!
YES!
ReplyDeleteVoice for DAYS here. Love the way you have captured this kid and let his freak flag fly.
My concerns would be Genre and word count;
Since one of his competitors is old enough to drive, that makes Jared an older teen - like 14 or 15 maybe? Which makes me wonder if this is more YA than Upper MG. I'd look closely at the emotional arc of your character to decide whether its more middle school or high school challenges (is he just trying to figure out how to survive school or is he already defining himself?)
Also - either YA or Upper MG your word count is a TAD low which makes me think there may be missed opportunities for character development in your ms. Upper MG can go up to 60K - not much more than that, and the sweet spot is usually more like 50-55K - so you've got some room to play around here.
You get a Yes from me too! I LOVE that this is a book for boys and it isn't about sports or super-heroes, or being bullied, etc. "Geeks" can be cool kids. I think that if we start writing for kids to see that, maybe they won't see "geeks" as "geeks".
ReplyDeleteBUT....
Give Maxine some love in your query if you are telling this in dual POV.
Also, tell how Jared knows the game code is missing? Blank screen? Creepy message left on the screen by the thief? How did he know just by looking at the scene?
For your 250:
I like it. But I do think the voice sounds more like YA.
Regardless...very cool plot!
Hmm, this one's tough. My problem with the query is that you reference Maxine and that she's the only one to make him blow his top, but why is that the case? It seems like a straw man. I mean, here he is in the midst of a murder investigation and somehow his little sister is going to make him blow his top? Of course not. Of course he's going to work through it. There has to be more conflict than that to justify Maxine as another POV. Multiple POV can work in MG (even younger MG as Lemonade War series shows), but each really has to have a stake, and here I'm not getting even a hint of what Maxine's will be--she likes solving mysteries--but that's not enough. I think it's fine to focus on one POV in the query, but if you're going to reference it's dual POV, you've got to hint at how Maxine can hold her end up and what her stakes are.
ReplyDeleteI like the 250, though I question a couple things. One, Jared says he can't back out now. Okay, but why would he? There's nothing to support him even questioning backing out. So why's he thinking it? Because it's a camp for math and science geeks? But he's there specifically for his gaming, right? And his best friend is with him, so I don't get the hesitancy.
Other than that, I have the same issues as the others as far as age. How old is Jared? He doesn't seem 16 or 17, but also not 12. Maybe 14? If so, length might be an issue.
Because of those reservations, it's a No from me. This one was close, but the issues with Maxine being fully developed really concern me. Good luck!
This is a very reluctant no from me. What you've got here is exactly the sort of story I love. It has video games, mystery, adventure, and sibling rivalry. I was ready to dive head first into this story.
ReplyDeleteYou lost me at the 250. While I enjoy your writing style, the first few paragraphs feel forced. Like you're setting up a play and you just need an excuse for the actors to walk on stage and introduce themselves.
I didn't fall in love with your dialogue, which is a big seller for me. I am always looking for authors who can create natural sounding dialogue. It's harder than you think. I really didn't get the sense of Jared's age in his thoughts or speech. Though like others, I would put him on the lower end of the teen scale. Closer to 14 than 17. Which would make this lower middle grade instead of upper.
I really wanted to like this. I hope you have success in the future. This is a fantastic idea.
I'm a visitor. I read through all entries and I only had one YES!! when I was finished. That was to make sure I didn't eliminate it as I narrowed down the yes and maybe selections. I think you should listen to the concern about age/voice. Put yourself firmly in MG or YA and adjust accordingly. Your query was clear and interesting. Your opening was quiet but so well written I'd want to read more. This selection really stood out for me. YES!!
ReplyDeleteI'm going to abstain on this one, i just don't know anything about the MG market, it's a giant hole in my book life right now. (I read YA and A, and my kids are solidly in PB territory, I have a few friends with MG age kids, but I don't have any clue what they are reading.)
ReplyDeleteI have some of the same thoughts as other comments, The dual POV seems unnecessary from the query, and I wonder if it might be too much for the MG market.
The very last line rubbed me a little wrong too, I think that "Because he's Brent..." would feel more like the cheeky, attitude filled 11 yo i know.
All that being said, my friend just asked a general question about books for her son who loves problem solving and Minecraft, so you are probably on the right track!
Tobias Eaton (4)
No.
ReplyDeleteI’m really troubled by the title. The geeky middle-grade kids I know (like my own kid) self-identify as “nerds” more readily than “geeks”, and even they might be reluctant to be seen reading a book that could be used by other kids to shoebox them. I would rather see a title that’s more inclusive and exciting. Something like “The Missing Code of Hamurabi” (with Hamurabi being the game that Brent is designing) tells the potential reader that it’s a mystery and has some action (“Missing!”) while leaving room for the reader to become curious enough (“What the heck is Hamurabi?”) to pick up the book. It puts the focus on the gaming and leaves room for kids who don’t self-identify as “geeks” to enjoy it.
And I had some serious questions that got in the way of appreciating the mystery plot.
Jared is gamer, so he wants to make games, but making games is more about coding than gaming, right? So does he know how to code already? Can he really learn to do that in a week at camp? I think it might be more believable if Jared either knew how to code already or his mother was forcing him to attend the camp because she was frustrated by how much time he spent gaming and is hoping this will turn a “useless” hobby into a “useful” one (a conflict most kids will recognize). If your target audience are kids who are technically savvy then they’re already going to have some sense of how much work it might be to make a game, even a simple one.
Why is a teen star game-maker at a camp? Why isn’t he doing a summer internship with a games company? Or Google? Has he been convicted of hacking something and is doing his community service? Does he owe it to his mom? Is it just there for the day to give a talk/demonstration? Is the camp on the campus of a game-making company?
I’m not troubled by two POVs in a middle grade book. Looking over my shoulder at the bookshelf I can see multiple middle grade books with multiple POVs (authors including C.S. Lewis, E.L. Koningsburg, Susan Cooper, Robert Westfall, Sydney Taylor, Elizabeth Enright, Ellen Raskin, Meindert DeJong and Diana Wynne Jones). Many of these are older books, from the sixties and seventies, but some are Newberry Award Winners. I think one POV is predominant at the moment but is that better or is that bias?
Good luck!
#2
No.
ReplyDeleteI'm in the minority here but I didn't fall for the premise. The *idea* kids at a nerd camp is fun and will surely appeal to many. But, like anonymous before me, the plot doesn't make sense. Would cops really be called? Why is Blake there instead of some Silicon Valley start up? Also, I agree Maxine's roll in the story needs to be more fleshed out in the query for me to be interested in her POV splitting time with Jared's. It's a good start.
# 5 here - yes, I would request pages.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I had no trouble going along with the premise. I thought the voice was great in the query. It laid everything out in simple terms but also gave us a great sense of Jared's character. And I really like the brother / sister conflict you set up. I agree that from the query, it's hard to imagine why we would need Maxine's POV. I think since this whole story has everything to do with Jared and Jared's world, it's hard to see what we gain from Maxine that we don't get just from Jared.
I really like how the first 250 begins, it has nice voice and gives us a good sense of your main character. However, there are sections where I think you could bring more of Jared's perspective to them and they would be more interesting. As it's currently written, it comes off a little wooden. For instance, Jared follows campers off the bus. Most head over to counselors near the trees. Those are the campers signed up for outdoor programs. That's not how it's written, but that's how it *feels* when I read it. If you can bring in Jared's perspective it would be a lot more engaging. Like, is Jared straggling because he's nervous? As he realizes those are the "outdoorsy" campers, does he snicker inside his head at them, maybe in an ironic way over them being "geeks?" And when he elbows his friend and points to the smaller group, what gives the gamers away? He is identifying with them because he's one of them, I presume. This would be another great chance to let us connect with Jared. I can tell from your query you can bring a lot of personality to your writing, and I want to see it all over your 250.
But I liked it all well enough to say yes. I think you have a great idea here! Good luck!
Revision critique from #16 :D
ReplyDeleteSorry, but this is still a no for me, for the same reasons I said earlier :( But it could become a yes, easily! I just want to see more of Maxine in the query, and more action in the first 250. Hope that helps!!
Revision from #17
ReplyDeleteYou had a yes from me the first time around and I still love this premise and the writing. I do agree though, that if you are doing this as dual POV, you really do need to have Maxine in there. If I were an agent, I would still give you a yes and just hope that the writing will override my reticence that Maxine isn't really in the query, but I'm not a real agent and I bet they won't be as sweet about that omission as I am being. So, get Maxine in that query! :) Still, such a great premise!
Revision from #8:
ReplyDeleteA big yes.
I know many no's are talking about the double POV. I think, however, that agents want it handled how you are doing it, where the query focuses on one character and usually the more 'main' character. I think you've handled it amazingly! This is one of the best queries I've read for a while. Great voice and so clear.
I like the 250. The query is so amazing though that I feel any 250 can't live up to it, hehe! I'd maybe make the 250 tighter, though. Get rid of unnecessary details, prune it to a single narrative, and get the ball rolling. I didn't see many changes from original to revision so I can't say if this was an improvement or not.
Hi from #15!
ReplyDeleteI still love this. This is still a yes from me!
Just as a matter of preference, in the QL, maybe add a little kick to the end of the 2nd paragraph: "But his plans crash when he finds Brent unconscious, slumped on his laptop. And, news flash--Brent’s game code is missing!"
That may sound a little silly, so feel free to ignore that idea. I think kids are going to love this book! Good luck to you!
Revision yes. Partial to gamers here. You already had good voice in both the query and first page. However you keep revising it, it will just make your pages/QL more and more polished. Good sense of mystery in both drafts. I think the juvie part in the QL is the highest stakes and that should be the end line. Excellent comps. Would read more. (#10)
ReplyDeleteHi, #9 here. I love the revised query. This is definitely a yes from me. I know kids, like my son, would love to read this. This line in the 250 - The camp was run by this private school for smart kids. - felt a bit telly. Otherwise, the 250 worked for me. Sounds like a fun read.
ReplyDelete