Genre: Contemporary Romance
Word Count: 85,000
Anna Carsten always knew what she'd be when she grew up. She also knew she didn't have a choice. With an elite tennis coach for a dad and a tennis academy for a backyard, she was every bit the star her last name demanded.
But Anna played for more than her family's reputation. When her Wimbledon champion mother committed suicide she made sure of that. And every time Anna won it eased her guilt for what her father had lost.
But since her father's death two years ago, Anna's can't-miss game has sunk into a can't-win slump. With her losing streak shaking confidence in her family's prestigious academy, Anna's pressured into re-launching the Carsten brand with a new coach, a new strategy, and a sparkling new PR campaign.
Only that new coach is her father's former protege Declan Riordan. If is bitter falling out with her dad didn't already make her skeptical of him, the rumors of his match fixing certainly do. And she can't help but cringe remembering her puppy dog crush, when Declan's condescension made clear he thought she'd be nowhere without her last name.
Anna would love to know why Declan quit tennis five years ago - and why he's back now. But learning what drove him away also reveals a different side to the father she thought she knew - and transforms the family history she thought she understood.
With the US Open approaching, Anna reconsiders what winning means to her - and is torn between the man she didn't think she could trust and the family loyalty she didn't know she should doubt.
Told from both Anna and Declan's viewpoints, Break is a women's fiction novel with strong romantic elements, complete at 85,000 words.
250:
Anna knew how to put on a game face and how to wear it with style. In front of a stadium or alone in her room, she had mastered the art of hiding it all. No teary interviews. No leaps of jubilation. No shrieks of frustration. And certainly, no smashed rackets. Not from her. Not ever. A game face was by far the best accessory she owned and it went with everything.
So sitting now in a jammed Heathrow Airport, hat pulled low and sunglasses on, Anna wore her game face. She'd tried to avoid the replay of the match, wedging herself against the far wall, close to the windows. But like a person who can't shake the Mona Lisa's eyes, every seat offered perfect vantage of some TV perched high along the lounge's perimeter. From the corner of her shaded eyes, Anna had no trouble watching the match unfold. Sun glinted off emerald courts, players glowed in tennis whites. It was, frankly, unfortunate. Had she needed to, she could even make out the score at the bottom of the screen. But she knew the score.
"Our plane hasn't even taken off from wherever the hell it's coming from." Jennie's shoulder knocked against her as she flopped down, huffing out a sigh.
Anna dragged her eyes to her friend's scowling face then past her to the rain streaked windows overlooking the tarmac. She folded her arms and dropped her head back against the wall.
Hi,
ReplyDeletePost #9 here.
I love the query. You have flawed, but interesting characters and a nice flow to the plot. The 250 is straight out great writing. There's nothing glitzy about it. You do a great job at characterization and at effortless writing.
I'll vote a yes on this.
No.
ReplyDeleteThe opening sentence seems a mess to me, and I tried to recover from disliking it but never did. The grammar and pacing seem off, or maybe because it's run-on... I just don't know. And the rest of the query didn't draw me in, although I will admit this isn't my kind of story. (I'm sorry, I know that's against the rules, but I tried, tried, tried to like it and didn't!)
The first 250 definitely made it better with the voice of the character, but honestly, I've got my pile, and I can't say Yes to everything. This is one of those one-the-fence No's, but it's still a No.
QUERY: Excellent voice in query. Love the product placement/ brand idea, but not so much the second person “you”. Might not need the full names of characters, a little distracting with multiple ones mentioned. Too much story being given away. Good character growth at the end, and I like that she’s torn between the man and the family, but sentence may need a little reworking for clarity. First 250: Nice voice. Little confused about watching the TV and not needing to see the score to know it. But drawn into the character and her voice right away. Tough call for me, but a No (#10)
ReplyDeleteAfter reading the query, I was going to say no. It was very well written and highlighted the key facts of the novel clearly, but as a romance fan I've grown tired of the same old–girl finds out she loves guy who didn't want her troupe, and I've heard agents have as well.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I was completely drawn in by the writing in the 250. I would definitely request more pages but if I were an agent and wanted to sign you, I'd suggest rewriting to make the love interest a woman. You gotta keep it fresh in romance, and everyone wants LGBT love stories right now.
So that's a yes!
Critiqued by #7
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI like your opening sentence, but at 38 words, it's too long. Also, I want your hook to give me more of a summary of the overall plot, not just Anna. That line might work better broken up into two sentences, at the start of Anna's paragraph. That gives you room to really hook me with something else at the beginning. I like the second paragraph. I really like the clear stakes at the end.
If Anna's hiding in the airport, I find myself wondering why she's not wandering the shops or something, with her plane nowhere in sight. And the fact that my mind is wandering makes me wonder if the story is opening in the right place. If it's just going to recap Anna's recent tennis loss, there might be a better place to open the story and hook the reader into Anna's world.
I like the premise, and I like the writing, but I'd have to say no to this one. It's a close call, though, so with another pass over the query and the first 250, it could become a yes.
Yay!! Sports books! I want to see more sports books so badly, and here is one! Yay! About tennis!
ReplyDeleteBut *cries* I have to say no. If I was an agent, I would say, "Revise this and send it back." Which isn't exactly the same thing as a no, right?
The end of the query is vague and not very punchy. But that can be fixed easily. And the 250 has too much backstory.
But that's all. I really think this could become a yes. And once again, yay sports books! :D
I think this query runs pretty well (love the last line). Items I would note though:
ReplyDelete1) I'm not entirely clear on how Mark fits into the picture, and what exactly it is he can reveal that will affect her career (or why he would be reluctant to reveal whatever it is he knows; he's a journalist, so what's holding him back? the query doesn't say). Because it sounds like he: a) wants Anna to win, but b) has info that could hurt her chances and yet which he nevertheless intends to share. Without understanding that dynamic, I'm not sure the hook is as strong as it could be.
2) I think the query suffers in places from using vague, hype-sounding phrases For example, the line "a past she never imagined" isn't nearly as powerful as it should be if we don't have some sense of what that past is. others would be "all style and no substance" and "winning isn't always black and white." I do like the overall tone and momentum of the query, but for me these cliche lines deflate it a bit.
I thought the first 250 was quite strong. I'm not at all a Contemporary Romance writer, but the strength of the overall package impressed me. As it is now it's probably a no, but with a little polish I could easily see it becoming a yes.
No, since I only have two yeses, and I like the other ones better. But this was close.
ReplyDeleteThe query was solid. A few canned phrases I wasn't wild about, like "a past she never imagined" and motivated by his own regret.
Your writing is quite good in 250, but I feel like it's starting wrong. It's more telling than showing in the first paragraph. I think you could get rid of the first paragraph, rewrite the rest, and it would tell me the same thing. I like it when things are happening. It just didn't grab me enough, although it tells me who Anna is.
I am #12
This is a sad no for me since I love both sports and romance.
ReplyDeleteI think the query overall is generally good, but suffers from some vagueness. I'm really not sure why Mark's job hinges on her winning, since, as a journalist, her winning or losing shouldn't really effect that. I also don't understand how revealing facts about her past will help Mark at all. I'd think it would do the exact opposite.
The writing was good in the 250, but didn't suck me in. I liked it but didn't love it.
With a little reworking on both this might move into a yes for me.
As a huge tennis fan, I love the concept of this story. But I think both the query and the first 250 need a little polishing before this can be an enthusiastic Yes! I like the idea of Anna being a "brand," but the first sentence of the query is really long and there's something jarring about the tense shifts in the first two paragraphs.
ReplyDeleteI'm also confused about the addition of Mark. Is this going to be a love triangle? That could have great tension potential, but right now I'm not sure what's motivating each of the characters or how Anna feels about either of them. When you combine that with the confusing stakes that are hinted at but not really clear in the final paragraph, I come to the end of this query without really knowing what the story is going to be about.
There are some great things in your first 250--I love the Mona Lisa reference as a way of describing how she can't avoid seeing her loss on television, for example. But the first paragraph feels telly to me and I wish you would just show us how she composes her game face instead of spelling it out for us. And if I hadn't read the query to know Anna was a tennis player on a losing streak, I'm not sure the first 250 would have been clear to me. Give us a few more concrete details to really ground us in the story and then a little emotion from the MC to draw us in and keep reading.
OOh I like this. But it's a no from me based mostly on 'theory', partially because I voted Yes for two others. Here's why:
ReplyDeleteThe query took me two readings to do. I had to go really slowly the second time because I was slightly speed reading, which I assume is what agents will be doing. If read slowly, the query is amazing, because there are many details and names to keep track of. But I'm afraid that agents might not read slowly. Maybe have shorter sentences? Clearer? Prune details and tighten everything?
The 250 is nice, solid, lets us get into the story. Nothing crazy exciting, nothing bad. I think the second paragraph could use a solid tightening.
Post #8
I'm sorry. This is a no.
ReplyDeleteMy first question is what category is this? The girl is at an academy so she seems young, but the men seem older. I was also wondering, while reading the query, what happened to mom? Why is thrown into the hands of these two guys to fix her career, when she has a tennis pro mom? Your first sentence is also confusing. I think breaking it into two sentences and rewording the second part would help.
There seems to be something interesting that Declan regrets. I'd be specific here. That will make us care more. I'd also like to know more about what Declan and her father were "really all about."
I love your last sentence of the query.
In your first 250, I love your first paragraph. In fact I like the 250 much better than your query at this point.
I hope that helps! Good luck with revisions and querying!
Rebecca
#11
This is a close no for me. I *think* I love the idea, but I'm not sure, and that is the point of the query. Here's what I think/hope the book is about: Anna is without a coach since her father died. Declan, who she always thought was a jerk, becomes her coach. He fixes games because he's trying to make a name for himself. Anna knows/doesn't know he's doing that, but whatever because she falls for him. Enter Mark (a love triangle?) a journalist who starts probing into her wins and discovers a fix might be in? And then, the last paragraph in the query through me because we're talking about family loyalty, and Mark wanting Anna to be on top again??? So, because I was confused, it's a no. I like the premise though.
ReplyDeleteI really like the 250 too, so this No was hard! Good luck.
I'm #6
ReplyDeleteThis is a yes for me, based on the first 250, which I really enjoyed and also the weakness I have for MS's about people who are famous / infamous. I think the query could be tightened, it feels a little too long and synopsis-like for me. I'd start by cutting down on the first sentence, I feel like you're trying to get everything in there all at once, and it gets confusing. It might be good to pare down the paragraphs, focus more on Anna if she's the main character and less on the people that orbit her. Also I found this segment a little confusing :
the glossy surface of Anna's career crumbles to reveal a past she never imagined.
Wouldn't Anna be able to imagine her past? There might be a better way to phrase that.
Best of luck with this! I
A reluctant no.
ReplyDeleteI really do love that this sounds like such a great romance -- plus I love the tennis theme and your description of Anna as a brand.
However, I found the query confusing -- and if I were an agent who only accepts the query letter for submissions with no pages, I'd have passed.
Here's why:
1) You have 3 named characters in your query letter and you describe each of them deeply enough to make me think this is a multiple POV story - but I don't think it is? If this IS just Anna's POV, then lots of details about the two guys in her life aren't important in the query. What we need to hook us on Anna is her conflict and her costs -- and I'm not clear about those. What is the past she never imagined? Why would she doubt her family loyalty? These are places where a few specifics are important -- not enough to tell the ending, just enough to make me want to read more -- and to hint at what deeper emotional choices Anna is about to face.
2) I would stay away from mixing second and third person voices -- 1st paragraph should read all in 3rd voice -- Anna.
First 250 were pretty good. I love the opening paragraph about game face - and you let us know she's a tennis player which helps us guess why she's avoiding the tennis game on tv. Because the first 250 are so crucial though - make or break! I'd find a way to slip in one more little clue that it's HER OWN game she's avoiding on tv.
This is going to be a no from me, BUT there are so many good things to love! I love the concept and your writing is really good. I could see that scene quite easily.
ReplyDeleteMy reasons for no:
I didn't understand where the whole Academy thing played into your query? Is she in high school? And if she is in high school, does she play professionally? And if she doesn't play professionally, why is her match on TV at the airport? I'm thinking ESPN at the airport and they wouldn't play a high school match. So, I need clarification there.
Mark throws me off. I don't get his role here except maybe that he is going to be a possible love interest to mess with Declan.
I think this sounds like a fun story, but I'm too confused on the details to give it an excited yes at this time. But I think it could get there quite easily!
I'm saying No
ReplyDeleteIt's mostly because of some confusion in the query itself. You mention her position at an Academy, and that makes me think she is HS age. But both men are introduced as her fathers proteges, and that makes me think they are WAY older than her. I don't think that an adult romance with sexy bits should be about a girls in HS. I'm thinking this is just an error in the way the query makes it seem, but it's a pretty fatal one.
I like a sports story, especially with a woman as the athlete. I like how learning the harsh truth about your parents in a way only an adult can understand them is a great coming of age devise. But over all the first 250 didn't draw me into the story, like it needed more descriptive details to make it real (I've never been to Heathrow, my only reference is Love Actually and I'm not even sure they actually filmed there, so I have no idea what it's like. Plus I feel like maybe she was in a VIP lounge or something, but it didn't really say.) hook the reader with more emotional insight into the MC, and give them a better view of her world.
Tobias Eaton (4)
No.
ReplyDeleteI kept wondering why I didn’t like this more, because the query and the first 250 are quite good. It sounds a like a good straight up romance novel. I think what I don’t see in either the query or the first 250, and what would make this unique, is the real link it to Tennis and competition. They’re described in general terms but not made real through a description of actual events in the query (Which competition is she training for and what sort of coaching does she need? How exactly does she prove herself to her new coach?) or through real emotions/physical responses in the first 250 (She’s just competed, and badly, so she must feel physically and emotionally drained. How does that add to her shame? How does deal with those, possibly new, discomforts?). In many ways she could be anyone in an airport after a bad day.
I actually don’t know much about tennis or being a pro athlete, so I think that would add a major element of interest.
Good luck!
#2
Revision critique from #16 :D
ReplyDeleteWow. Your query had me the first time but this time it REALLY had me! In fact, even though I'm still a little skeptical of the excessive telling in the 250, I'm going to say YES now, because the query's so good, I would want to give it a shot and read some pages!
Revision critique from #17
ReplyDeleteThis is SO much better! Way to go! I really get a clear picture of the story now. There is one typo in the query "If is bitter falling out with her dad"
I am so glad that Declan isn't a middle aged man chasing after a high school girl!
I would ask for more pages...so YES!
Hi from #15! I didn't read your original entry, so I thought I would chime in for this round. As the reviewer above me wrote, I immediately caught the typo in paragraph 4. Be careful of that. I do like your concept. I know very little about the sport of tennis, but I do think that idea that Anna is a Brand made me want to know her story. After reading both QL's, I would say that I prefer your revision, because the first seemed to be part from Anna's perspective, and part from Declan's. The second, just from Anna's, lets you tell more of the story, and I think that is important.
ReplyDeleteNice job!
Yes!
Revision, is a tentative yes. The new query starts out too slow. And the ending doesn't have that want-to-read-more feel. She needs to be in danger of losing more. She can be torn, that's good drama, but it's not what's at stake for her. Maybe it's just a matter of rephrasing the last sentence because I see you hinting at maybe a dark past from her father. Is that something that could tear her and her career apart? Would choosing Declan do that as well? I love the secrets in the past theme. I think you've brought in more of the family problems in the query and it's really upped the conflict and what Anna's struggles are in the story. For the pages, if you indicated that she was watching her match instead of "the match", it would clear up the part about why she knows the score. That said, the 250 is strong and voice excellent, and I want to delve right in and get to know this tennis star and her life problems. (#10)
ReplyDelete#1 here - I didn't read the earlier version, but liked the current query letter. My biggest question was why she would choose Declan as her coach -- with his bad reputation and her neagative views about him. If this is out of her control perhaps add a note to clarify? This is one of those stories where I feel like I'll get to see a peek behind the curtain, about the ins and outs of life in a unique profession. Though the opening 250 didn't grab me by the throat, I liked the reflection on her game face and how she uses it in her personal and professional life. I'd request more pages.
ReplyDeleteOh, I think the query is so much clearer now--nice job! I agree with others that it could use a bit higher stakes--I mean it's not just choosing between family loyalty and the guy, right? Her career's on the line too...Adding/emphasizing that at the end of the query that will make it more compelling.
ReplyDeleteI really like the intro paragraph of the first 250, but feel like there's still something missing from the rest of the scene. Maybe just a few details about how she feels about this latest loss will amp up an otherwise quiet scene and make sure people keep reading. Is she paranoid someone will recognize her even with the shades/hat because she played so badly? Or is she secretly hoping that despite her poor performance, someone will recognize her as a star? Just a few subtle details like that will give us more of a hint of what she's all about and make us want to read more.
Best of luck from #13...