Title: Dragon of Light and Shadow
Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: 85,000
Serka is wanted dead, but that’s nothing new. Being a shape-shifting dragon bred, born, and raised in war has given her more experience with blood and guts than most seventeen-year-old girls. But when it comes to her feelings for best friend Callan, she would rather worry about her claws being sharp enough for battle than first love.
War is not so easy with the gods still AWOL, and their absence leads their creations of the mythical races—from dragons to hellhounds to griffins—to annihilate each other in the fight to reign supreme. Each death comes closer to being Serka’s, and the possibility of a future with Callan is stolen when she discovers she shares a connection with the gods that instates their return. Not as great as it sounds. They’re pissed off with the races for their hunger for domination, and they are keener on revenge than reestablishing peace.
To prevent the gods’ extermination plan, Serka must learn why she is the last link to them. Rebelling against or reconciling with them should be an obvious decision, but even though she has risked her life before, it may be too much for her to risk everyone she loves.
Including Callan.
No. This query is rife with passive voice, which suggests the manuscript is, too. I'm also really confused about Serka--you say she's a dragon, but also that she's more used to blood than "most seventeen-year-old girls," suggesting that she's human. I'm also confused about her relationship to Callan, because you say that she's not interested in pursuing him romantically in one paragraph but that she wants a future with him in the next. And who is Callan? What is he like? The query tells us Serka cares about him, but never shows us a reason we should, too.
ReplyDeleteThere are promising ideas in here, but the query needs clarification.
I too was confused by her feelings for Callum. I think you're trying to give the query some of your MCs voice, but for me how it was presented detracted from the plot instead of adding complexity to it. Which is a problem, because your last line implies her feelings for Callum are going to drive the plot.
ReplyDeleteUsually, I think queries get bogged down giving too much information, but in this case I think we need some more details. I'm only getting a sense of a world gone berserk. I don't have any grounding in what's actually happening. They're all fighting for supremacy, yes, but can you give us some of the details? Just a couple, so that the link between Callum's role, Serka's role, and the imminent wrath of the gods are more clear.
Good luck with this! I will still have to vote No based on the query, but I do think you have a great sounding story here!
I like this premise and the writing, but I think there are a few things you can do the clarify things. The last sentence of the first paragraph would be more clear written like this: But when it comes to her feelings for best friend Callan, she's more worried about her claws being sharp enough for battle than first love. (This more clearly shows that though she may have feelings for him, fighting is more important).
ReplyDeleteI would like to know more about Callan. Not much, just enough to appease my curiosity...a sentence or two.
Apart for that, I really like what you have. A shape-shifting dragon with possible Greek mythology thrown in. What's not to like.
Still reading through queries so I won't give you a yes or no just yet, but this is definitely in the top ranking. Hope my comments helped. Laters.
You've earned yourself a YES.
DeleteI think your premise is superb and I really hope to see this on shelves in a few years. I'll be putting your title in my google alerts. Can't wait to read it. Great job.
No but this is an alternate 'yes' for me.
ReplyDeleteThe storyline is fantastic but the writing has problems. Who wants Serka dead? Make that clear from the start. That she is a shape-shifting dragon is ExceLLent. Build on her difficulties fitting in and leave the war twist until the end. Then give it a single line. What I want is more of her personality and life. THAT would really sell me I think.
CD Coffelt ponders at Spirit Called
And critiques at UnicornBell
No. But this was a tough one for me. I just liked some of the others better. I think the reason for that was I've never enjoyed stories with irrationally vengeful gods that pose seemingly ridiculous rules, and from what I've read in the query, I think there's a chance I might find some of that in this story. I also found myself without enough information about her relationship with Callum to tell if it was interesting or not.
ReplyDeleteClose, but my vote's a no.
ReplyDelete"Serka is wanted dead, but that’s nothing new." Reword, the first part is clunky.
The rest of the opening paragraph is good.
"War is not so easy with the gods still AWOL, and their absence leads their creations of the mythical races—from dragons to hellhounds to griffins—to annihilate each other in the fight to reign supreme. Each death comes closer to being Serka’s, and the possibility of a future with Callan is stolen when she discovers she shares a connection with the gods that instates their return. Not as great as it sounds. They’re pissed off with the races for their hunger for domination, and they are keener on revenge than reestablishing peace."
Here's where the story blows up like a balloon and drifts out of my grasp. The first sentence could use some rewording, dropping the list of the usual mythical creatures entirely. Unless, you can throw us back close to Serka by saying why this fight matters to her personally and how she views these other creatures.
The second sentence can be broken up, and the first part disgarded. She's in a war, it's easy to assume death follows her every move. The second part, needs to explain what her connection to the gods is and why it causes problems between Sarka and Callan. Again keeping the reader tethered with your protagonist in the middle of a greater conflict. Some indication of why the gods haven't come back before or have the right to be angry would help a lot, too.
The last paragraph is ambiguous, even though it's an attempt to show what's at stake for Sarka. Somehow I don't believe the knowledge of why she's connected to them is going to stop a bloodbath nor how she can wield any sort of influence over them.
The other thing that would greatly help the query letter is to make it stand out. The story premise is on the generic and vague side. We have a protagonist with a magical background and ability, a love interest, a galactic sized conflict, and she's the only one who can stop it. A lot of people are using that story line. How is yours different? What makes it unique? It needs to stand out.
No, there are parts that interested me but I found the overall reading of the query a bit confusing, I think you are missing some words. The information you have delivered seems vital to the story but I think it needs a bit more tweaking.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteMy short answer is, it didn't grab me. The opening sentence is good. I like it. But overall this query left me with too many questions, and not of the "I'm so curious. I have to know!" sort.
For example, I know what a shapeshifter is...it's something that changes forms. So even if she is a shapeshifter, Serka can't BE a dragon and a 17-year-old girl.
Why are the gods AWOL? Perhaps the characters don't know. But WE should.
Who is Callan?
How does "Each death comes closer to being Serka’s" Each death of whom?
You say that the gods are "pissed off with the races for their hunger for domination, and they are keener on revenge than reestablishing peace." Wait...I thought they were AWOL.
These are the sort of things which made me not "get it."
Finally, this may be one man's opinion, but blogger Chuck Sambuchino says YA should be no more than 70,000 words. Take it for what it's worth.
No from me. Sorry. Seems like your word choice is off in spots.
ReplyDelete"and their absence leads their creations of the mythical race" Perhaps 'allow' would be a better choice than 'leads'.
"the possibility of a future with Callan is stolen" The first paragraph made it sound she wasn't too keen on a relationship, now this contradicts that.
"gods that instates their return" I don't know that 'instates' means here. Something simpler would work better.
"They’re pissed off with the races for their hunger for domination, and they are keener on revenge than reestablishing peace" Something with more voice and shorter. They're pissed off with the mortals' power grab and ready to kick some ass.