Title: Chronicles of Christian Derling
Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: 87,500
Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: 87,500
Christian Derling is a brilliant, but perfectly unremarkable boy until he takes and passes a test to attend The Citadel, an elite school of magic.
The rub, Christian was supposed to fail. Only the gifted have magic; he’s a nomag – at least he thought he was. Being gifted means trouble when you live next door to Ian Verloren, the paranoid leader of the local militia, who believes the gifted are responsible for a feverish plague sweeping the nomag lands. Christian just wants to find a new home and learn how to use gifted-magic. Instead, he and his family are being hunted by Ian. On the run, Christian overhears whispers of an impending threat more dangerous than Ian or the fever.
When Christian finally arrives at the Citadel, he finds his greatest challenge may be fitting in with the other gifted children. Ian grows bolder every day, tension between the gifted and nomags festers, the fever spreads. Somehow, it’s all connected to the new evil rising. Christian must discover who he is, who he can trust, and what role he’s destined to play in a world dominated by nomag suspicion and gifted magic. His life and countless others depend on it.
The rub, Christian was supposed to fail. Only the gifted have magic; he’s a nomag – at least he thought he was. Being gifted means trouble when you live next door to Ian Verloren, the paranoid leader of the local militia, who believes the gifted are responsible for a feverish plague sweeping the nomag lands. Christian just wants to find a new home and learn how to use gifted-magic. Instead, he and his family are being hunted by Ian. On the run, Christian overhears whispers of an impending threat more dangerous than Ian or the fever.
When Christian finally arrives at the Citadel, he finds his greatest challenge may be fitting in with the other gifted children. Ian grows bolder every day, tension between the gifted and nomags festers, the fever spreads. Somehow, it’s all connected to the new evil rising. Christian must discover who he is, who he can trust, and what role he’s destined to play in a world dominated by nomag suspicion and gifted magic. His life and countless others depend on it.
The Chronicles of Christian Derling – The Rise of Ian Verloren is my first novel. At 87,500 words it is complete, although I am currently working on the second book in the series, which I expect to have ready for review in June 2013. I am a senior communications professional at a global PR firm which means I understand and will be able to promote my work. I also have professional experience as a computer scientist, molecular biologist, and writer/editor as well as expertise in mathematics, nanotechnology and exobiotics—a unique combination which was essential to constructing the twining of SciFi and Fantasy that drive the story.
The book reads as a Fantasy, but its core is grounded in SciFi. One of my goals in writing the book was to come up with a world/technology in which magic is not derivative of an unexplainable, ethereal force, but rather grounded in the principles of physics, governed by rules, and the predictable result of technology and evolution.
No. The stakes and conflict are too vague. You say there's a greater threat coming, but give no hint as to what it is (and since you're pitching this as a series, I don't feel completely confident this greater evil will even show up in the specific novel you're pitching). Christian's choice is also vague--every YA novel, to some degree, involves the protagonist discovering their role in the world, so what makes Christian's conflict unique? (I'm also confused as to how Christian can be simultaneously on the run and at class in the Citadel, but that's a minor concern.)
ReplyDeleteI would also note that fantasy with well-grounded, pseudoscientific rules is still plain, old fantasy, not sci-fi. (See Patrick Rothfuss's THE NAME OF THE WIND for an example.) Bringin up sci-fi will just confuse the agent about your genre (especially since you never come out and say it's a YA fantasy--YA never appears in your query!) and make them think your novel will be hard to pitch. Bad idea. Likewise, agents don't want to hear about sequels until they've decided the first novel is good, because multi-book deals are a much harder sell than stand-alones. I would cut both your final paragraphs down:
"The Chronicles of Christian Derling – The Rise of Ian Verloren is a YA fantasy with series potential. It is complete at 87,500 words. I have professional experience in mathematics, nanotechnology and exobiotics, which I drew on to create the unique, scientifically-based magic system that drives the story."
There's potential here, but it needs work.
First off, I agree with the points Princess Sara made about the genre, sequels, and mentioning YA. :)
ReplyDeleteOverall, I really like the premise and will give you a Yes vote. I can sense the tension between the two groups, and am interested to know how Christian will navigate between them.
Some suggestions to strengthen the query though, would be to take out some of the extraneous comments. For example, how can Christian be brilliant AND unremarkable? Another: take out - "or thought he was" (a nomag) because that's implied.
Good luck with this!
I like what you have here, but I don't like the obscurity. What is this new evil, where did it come from, how do you know it's evil, etc?
ReplyDeleteAlso, your query should be 250ish words max. I almost saved this for last because after reading post of 250ish words, seeing this was a little intimidating. I would cut all but the PR/editing piece in your bio. The writing experience is good ONLY if you have been previously published.
Don't mention sequels in your query. Sell the first book, then sell sequels. That being said, does your work tell a complete story? If a reader read this and nothing else, will they walking away feeling cheated or satisfied.
Lastly, you promote your work as fantasy, great...kill the sci-fi bit. It will only serve to confuse an agent.
Hope this helps, I'll make second rounds to vote yes or no after I've read all the entries. Laters.
After reviewing my group of queries, my answer for this will have to be no.
DeleteI honestly believe this is something I do like, but there is too much confusion for me. It is too vague, too obscure, and the mentioning of the sequel, lack of specific genre, did not make that any better. What are the stakes, exactly? His life and others . . . yes, that is all well and good, but is there more? I understand the goals of the protagonist and antagonist, but if they were fleshed out a little more, with some of the wordiness cut out, then this could be great. My vote for this would be no. Best of luck.
ReplyDeleteNo but with reservations. I want this to be good. Sincerely. It has all the elements. With some tweaking it might really stand out.
ReplyDeleteExample: combine the first three sentences: “…Christian Derling took a test to attend an elite school of magic. He was supposed to fail. He didn’t. Now what was he supposed to do…”
My effort at re-writing that section isn't very good but you get the idea. No need to name The Citadel. Just say school to help move the story.
Also, don’t say “…is my first novel.” Never. Ever.
CD Coffelt ponders at Spirit Called
And critiques at UnicornBell
No. I like what Huntress said about wanting this to be good. I had the same feeling about it but I didn't know exactly how to put it into words. I think lines like "Somehow, it's all connected…" take away from it.
ReplyDeleteThis is a no vote, for me.
ReplyDelete"Christian Derling is a brilliant, but perfectly unremarkable boy until he takes and passes a test to attend The Citadel, an elite school of magic." This sentence contradicts itself. Christian can't be both brilliant and unremarkable. Some rewording might help.
"The rub, Christian was supposed to fail. Only the gifted have magic; he’s a nomag – at least he thought he was. Being gifted means trouble when you live next door to Ian Verloren, the paranoid leader of the local militia, who believes the gifted are responsible for a feverish plague sweeping the nomag lands. Christian just wants to find a new home and learn how to use gifted-magic. Instead, he and his family are being hunted by Ian. On the run, Christian overhears whispers of an impending threat more dangerous than Ian or the fever."
First sentence should use a colon instead of a comma. Who expected him to fail? Was this a mandatory test? If he was deemed unqualified, why did he get to take it?
The second sentence shows more contradiction. Same problem as in the first paragraph and it basically is repeating the same thing.
The threatening neighbor part shows some interesting conflict. Instead of saying Christian wants a change of address, it'd be better to drop that sentence for the one after, which adds an intensity to the story. Ian is chasing or persecuting his family. How does Christian view using magic as a way to solve this problem?
Then you throw a very vague plot point out and it falls flat. Christian finds out about something worse than Ian or the fever. How and what? Up the stakes.
The next paragraph puts a brake on everything. Suddenly Christian's attending school. Instead of the conflict and intensity rising the query, it's turned around. There's a good chance and agent will think this reflects on the way the story is written, as well. Ian has disappeared from the picture and the ending stakes are vague.
The last two paragraphs pretty much tell us that this story is science-fantasy. It needs to show in your story summary, not in an explanation. Show us your world-building as you explain Christian's story.
The last thing that jarred me was his name. This sounds like a completely other world, not a place grounded in the religions of ours. Christian is a religiously based name.
No, there was nothing in this query that really grabbed me and drew me in. Also, for the first part of the query, it felt too much like Harry Potter and when that disappeared, it just got confusing.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteBut wait until you get to the end...
I intentionally try to avoid reading the prior comments. But I do see that others have made the Harry Potter connection. They're right. You've got Hogwarts...I mean, the Citadel. You've got muggles...I mean, nomags. (BTW, it took me only two seconds to figure out what a nomag is; but you don't want an agent to have to spend that two seconds.)
I read your credentials and thought, "Very impressive."
Then I got to "One of my goals in writing the book was to come up with a world/technology in which magic is not derivative of an unexplainable, ethereal force, but rather grounded in the principles of physics, governed by rules, and the predictable result of technology and evolution." That's IT! That's the key.
So my suggestion would be to lead off with something like that. "In a world where magic is not derivative..." And then you have to (sorry) completely rewrite the query, making a conscious effort to avoid Harry. Run the new query by someone who knows nothing of your book. If he or she mentions Harry, Hogwarts, or Hagrid, drill down. "What made you think of that?" Then get rid of it.
And one more thing, which I am going to say several more times before #7. This may be one man's opinion, but blogger Chuck Sambuchino says YA should be no more than 70,000 words. Take it for what it's worth.
ReplyDeleteI'm concerned this will be a tough sell. Another school of magic? What makes it unique? Lead with that.
ReplyDeleteI think the last paragraph has to go. The agents want to be shown about your book, that is telling about it.
You could probably leave out the part about him being on the run. It comes across like a subplot of the major theme here and kind of gets in the way. You talk about school, then running, then back to school.