Title: The Adamant
Genre: Urban Fantasy
Word Count: 99,000
No one tells Shamira Kelley how to live her life. Not the parents who abandoned her. Or the ancient relic that seeks to bond with her.
Possession.
Her pendant, a leftover from a millenniums-old tragedy, wants revenge for its death. And it means to use Shamira toward that end. But she wants nothing to do with the pendant and the ‘gift’ that allows her to kill with a single thought.
Her choices? Never use the pendant. Or wield it and lose her soul. When Faelan, a man of few words, offers his help, she is suspicious but his rusty charm dispels her concern. His true agenda remains hidden; the destruction of the relic using any means necessary. Shamira’s death would accomplish this but her fight against the pendant’s influence intrigues him and he decides to wait. At least for now. Besides, he can always kill her later.
For the ones who would steal it, the pendant represents power and glory. For her, it is a curse. And a temptation. The position of Heroine is open. And no one loathes the job more than Shamira.
I'm going to vote No because I really don't know what Shamira wants. What's motivating her to even keep the pendent? Where is the conflict? Her choice to use or not use the pendent seems too simplistic, and I think you need to dig a little deeper to ramp up the overall story conflict. What does the title of Heroine mean?
ReplyDeleteAlso, I didn't get a sense of setting - Urban Fantasy from the specs, but within the query itself this could be a straight fantasy in a different world. I always thought the difference between the two was a strong sense of the "urban" in Urban Fantasy, so consider adding a bit of setting to focus us.
Good luck with this!
No. First-off, I'm a little confused by the protagonist's age. That first line about abandoning parents made me think she might be teenaged, but then as I read on, the tone of it made me think she's clearly an adult. If she's an adult with parental abandonment issues, maybe just don't put that in the first line? I'm not even really sure it needs to be in the query at all.
ReplyDeleteYou do a nice job of setting the stakes in this, but I get absolutely no sense of the setting. Not that you have to explain the entire world in the query, but where does this take place? A city? A country village? In our world, or one that you've created? I think adding some of that will help make this feel a bit more unique - it's all in the details.
Also, "his rusty charm" confuses me. I think you're talking about him being charming, but we've been reading about an amulet so when I first read it, I thought maybe he wore a rusty charm around his neck. Maybe consider rephrasing?
I do really like this line "The position of Heroine is open" it does a good job of making us wonder what she'll do.
No. I like the mystical element, but I'm not real clear on how the pendant is possessing her soul, or how she acquired it, and why she can't just get rid of it. I think a little clarification would help.
ReplyDeleteNo :( I like the concept of the pendant, but I don't understand how it wants revenge for its death. You have set up really well want Faelan wants, but I feel like I still don't know what Shamira wants, what's stopping her from getting it, and what happens if she fails. You have a few really compelling elements here, and definate dark energy going on too, Still, the query is confusing, and I also think that you have too many short sentences and fragments, which are great here and there, but so many makes the writing feel jerky.
ReplyDeleteIt's a little off-putting that the query changes over to Faelan's perspective in the middle of the forth paragraph. You should probably stick with Sharima's goals and wants.
ReplyDeleteI'm also not sure how the pendant can be doing all this when it is supposedly dead. I guess that part made me a little confused. It's a ghost necklace that wants to control her?
I also didn't feel like the choices you list in the forth paragraph are actual possibilities. In that I mean, you've given no reason why she would use the da** thing. Why not throw it away? It sounds awful. Why does she consider using it.
I'm going to vote no.
"No one tells Shamira Kelley how to live her life. Not the parents who abandoned her. Or the ancient relic that seeks to bond with her."
ReplyDeleteThis opening is contradictory. If her parents have left, they aren't around to tell her anything. And the disbelief factor rises - does this relic talk?
"Possession." This does nothing for me after the first paragraph. There's no connection between the two.
"Her pendant, a leftover from a millenniums-old tragedy, wants revenge for its death. And it means to use Shamira toward that end. But she wants nothing to do with the pendant and the ‘gift’ that allows her to kill with a single thought." So I'm still wondering if this thing talks or how it "dies." And if it's dead, why is it acting alive?
"Her choices? Never use the pendant. Or wield it and lose her soul. When Faelan, a man of few words, offers his help, she is suspicious but his rusty charm dispels her concern. His true agenda remains hidden; the destruction of the relic using any means necessary. Shamira’s death would accomplish this but her fight against the pendant’s influence intrigues him and he decides to wait. At least for now. Besides, he can always kill her later." While this paragraph reveals a nice twist and heightened danger, it also switches the POV of the query mid-paragraph.
"For the ones who would steal it, the pendant represents power and glory. For her, it is a curse. And a temptation. The position of Heroine is open. And no one loathes the job more than Shamira." I think your last sentence here would work better as an opening hook. Why is the pendant a temptation to her? Who does she want to kill? You've mentioned the pendant's goal and Faelan's inner conflict, but there really isn't much to connect to Shamira here. Back up in paragraph four you list her choice to use or not use the pendant. You need to say why she might.
So my vote is a no for now.
A sentient pendant with no explanation? "Her choices? Never use the pendant. Or wield it and lose her soul" doesn't seem like a choice to me. If she got rid of the thing, problem solved. Unless she's the only one who can use it, and that trope is so cliched at this point that you'd need a startlingly original twist for it to bring anything new to a "magical necklace" story. It's a "no" for me.
ReplyDeleteNo, I think it would read better without the small point of view part from Faelen, the whole query is written in shamira's point of view, so having that part thrown in pulls me off track a bit. I liked your hook, but I'm not really sure why the word possession is standing alone? I feel like if you could pick out the really important details and just present those, you'd have a cleaner query. I always have a hard time with queries for fantasy because there's so many things that are part of another world that you have to try to introduce to the writer.
ReplyDeleteThe hook is great, but then you kind of lost me. While I think this might be an interesting story, the query isn't very clear. Where does the pendant originate? Also, what is at stake for Shamira and what tempts her to use it? How could the pendant help her and what is the price she has to pay if she uses it? Be specific about these, in Samira's words, so we get to know her voice, and this could gain a lot of interest.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, just to be clear this is a no. I realized I didn't actually come right out and say that. Sorry. This does have potential, though, for sure.
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