Genre: Middle Grade Fantasy
Word Count: 40,000
A once-in-a-lifetime trip aboard a historic wooden whaling ship is the perfect chance for twelve-year-old Ellie to get even with her nemesis Jimmy. She plans to put a few dead fish in his bunk. Maybe run his underwear up the ship’s mast like a flag. She never means for him to fall overboard and get captured by the Scrimshawnees, a tribe of warrior merpeople who are out for revenge of their own.
First 250:
Query:
A part of twelve-year-old Ellie wants to stop being ticked at Jimmy for his bullying and making all the kids hate her so much that she finally changed schools; after all, her new school filled with geeks just like her is awesome. Unfortunately, a bigger part of her wants to teach Jimmy a lesson. So when she wins an essay contest whose prize is a once-in-a-lifetime trip aboard a historic wooden whaling ship, she convinces Jimmy that it’s an invitation he can’t refuse.
She only plans to put a few dead fish in his bunk. Maybe run his underwear up the ship’s mast like a flag. She never means for him to fall overboard and get captured by the Scrimshawnees, a tribe of warrior merpeople who are out for revenge of their own.
Even though it’s been 160 years since a whaling vessel has sailed their seas, the Scrimshawnees are still outraged. The humans had no right to kill so many of the sacred whales they depend on for survival, and they’re not about to let them do it again. So they’re declaring a war that’s going to start with sinking the ship and killing its captain; who they mistakenly believe is Jimmy.
When Ellie resurfaces after attempting to rescue Jimmy, no one on board the ship believes her crazy story that Jimmy is locked up in a whale rib-cage guarded by warrior mermen, and that he’s somehow alive and breathing underwater. It only convinces them that she’s to blame for him falling overboard and drowning. And they want her dragged off to jail the second they get into port. Ellie’s got to figure out a way to rescue Jimmy and stop the Scrimshawnees before the quest for revenge destroys them all.
250:
Jimmy puked over the side of the ship’s rail as Ellie hoisted his tighty-whiteys up the wooden mast. The underwear waved in the sea breeze like a flag, black magic-marker letters declaring that “Captain Butthead” was at the helm.
“I’ve never felt so sick in my life. Why did I let you convince me to come on this stupid trip?”
Seeing Jimmy blindly feeling around for a sweatshirt draped just out of reach, Ellie rolled her eyes and slid it toward him with one finger. Jimmy wadded up the hood and blotted cold sweat from his forehead before throwing up again.
“Oh, don’t be a whiner. There are worse things than seasickness,” Ellie said with a smirk. “You know, like having someone at school make it their goal to get everyone to hate you for no reason, having your books shoved off your desk every day, constantly being called nerd-turd and geek freak.”
Jimmy retched, but nothing came out. He stepped back from the rail and collapsed onto the deck, wrapping his arms around his stomach and closing his eyes. “You’re seriously mad about all that?” A gust of wind caused the sails above to flap like the wings of a giant sea dragon. The ocean rose up into white-capped peaks. Jimmy took several deep breaths and swallowed hard. “I was just foolin’ around. Everybody thought it was funny.” He had to shout just to be heard over the roar of the wind and sails.
“Yah, it was real funny.”
No.
ReplyDeleteThe QL is quite short. As the reader, I needed more information: Why Jimmy? How does he become the one they want to capture? Your voice is good, though, and sometimes it's tough to have a lot of voice in a query. So good job on that. If you can turn up the details in the query, you might gain the interest of an agent/editor to request your material, which from what I read, is full of character.
Good luck!
I am #15
DeleteThis is a reluctant No for me.
ReplyDeleteReluctant because you have some great stuff going on in here. I really like the idea of mer-people and I love a good MG with a female hero, which Ellie surely will be.
On the other hand, I was struck by how mean Ellie is in that first 250. I understand that Jimmy terrorized her at school, and I'm even betting that she changes over the course of the novel, but I can't get behind any MG character behaving like this--as it's framed. She just felt mean to me. She's kicking a guy when he's down. Perhaps I'd feel differently if I saw him torture her first, but I didn't.
Also, I have a few questions:
I want to know how she knows he's still alive. Did she see him get dragged under the water by a mer-person? If so, still, how does she know he's still alive?
Why was Jimmy grabbing for a sweatshirt? He's obviously not cold; he's sweating.
So these are the very small things that made me say No. But I like the concept. You start in a dramatic place in the text that really puts me right there. I wish you the best of luck!
I'm #14.
I really love Ellie's voice at the beginning of the query. I'd like a little more information about the overall plot (like how does she know that Jimmy is alive?), and I'd make the stakes more personal to Ellie. Instead of "They'll all die," maybe mention that she'll lose her friends and family or something like that. A couple more sentences and some tweaking could take this query from pretty good to excellent.
ReplyDeleteIt feels like the story is starting in the wrong place. For us to empathize with Ellie's actions, we need to get to know her first, to see a bit more of how Jimmy has treated her. Backing it up a few days or even to earlier that morning would really help - as is, Ellie comes across as the bully, not Jimmy. 40,000 words near the lower limit for upper MG fantasy, so you have plenty of room to add an entire chapter at the beginning to show the catalyst for Ellie's actions, if necessary.
For those reasons, I'd have to say no, but I'd love to see it again if it were revised a little.
This one was so close for me. I thought overall the query was really strong, but it turned into a no during the 250.
ReplyDeleteFor the query I think just a few little edits will make this awesome. Maybe just briefly mention why Jimmy is her nemesis and why they're going on this trip. Is it a class trip? Also, some specific stakes would really amp this up.
While I understand that Jimmy is supposed to be a bully, the 250 had me feeling really bad for him and really not liking Ellie. She comes across as being very mean. Even if it was just a small addition, showing them boarding the ship, maybe him tripping her, making her spill out the contents of her suitcase. Something to really feel for Ellie so that we can get on her side.
With those small adjustments I think you'll have a real winner here.
No.
ReplyDeleteBystander here. I went through all 20 entries, made my yes, no, and maybe pile. This started out in the maybe pile. Because I had only two spots left for maybe's, I had to do some cutting, and this one didn't make it.
The query itself was very punchy and well-written. I was eager to look at the 250 words based on that. The 250 had voice and interesting characters, but something about Ellie's actions rubbed me the wrong way. Even though you later justify why she's torturing this kid, she didn't start off with a good impression. My first emotion was sympathy for Jimmy.
I think the concept of your story has a lot of potential, but I'm going to have to vote No. First, I feel like I need a lot more details in the query. I'd like to know up-front why Jimmy is Ellie's nemesis. If we knew from the query that he'd tormented her in school (instead of learning that mid-way through the first 250), we might understand both what motivates her to do something mean (but admittedly hilarious) like running his underwear up the mast, and it would also give more emotional impact to the fact that its her tormentor who she's going to have to risk her life to save from the mer people.
ReplyDeleteI don't think jumping to the Scrimshawnees' chief's perspective in the second paragraph works either. It's jarring and interrupts the flow of the query. Then the third paragraph is vague. Do they think she pushed him overboard (which seems like the only way you could disappear from a ship)? How does she know the merpeople captured him (did she see them? did they leave any clues?)? And what are the stakes? It sounds like there are some, but I'm totally unclear about how the Scrimshawnees stopping the whalers will 'destroy them all.'
The first 250 is also confusing. Seems like Ellie would be horrified that Jimmy's aboard, but it sounds like she convinced him to come. If she convinced him to come just so she could torment him, that doesn't really fit with him being a huge bully and makes her seem like the bully. I think you've got some elements of humor here that could really work for an MG audience, but starting with them in Chapter 1 makes us feel like Ellie is vindictive, which doesn't draw us in.
Again, I think the concept has real potential, but another pass through both query and 250 to address these areas of confusion is definitely in order.
This is a reluctant no for me too.
ReplyDeleteYour voice shows real promise - I thought Ellie and Jimmy sounded like fun characters -- but both the query and first 250 felt thin in places I wanted them to be more full of voice and craft.
In the query, you say Jimmy is Ellie's nemesis. Why? What did he do?
And how to two 10 yo get to go on a whaling ship? That's so unusual I think we need to know why. Does it have to do with their parents?
Who wants her punished?
I know it's SO hard to whittle the details into a strong query, and I think you're on the right track but it still needs work. Remember: Character, Conflict, Cost -- what will be the cost for inaction?
The first 250: I think it starts in the wrong place. You drop us right into the middle of the underwear hoisting without giving us a chance to connect or invest in your characters. I think you could do with some scene setting - not info dump, but perhaps arrival on the ship or unpacking or something - to let us get to know the characters, introduce us to their conflict - before he gets seasick and she unpacks his stuff. They just sound bratty without any real investment in their motivation.
Good luck!
I'd say yes. I think it's really delightful, but I do agree with some of the other comments here. :)
ReplyDeleteHi, *waves* #20 here!
ReplyDeleteOh man this is my most painful NO yet. I was definitely hooked by the first paragraph for the query. Very clear. Ellie and Jimmie sounds like fun characters and I would love to listen to them banter.
The POV shift in the second paragraph tripped me up though. I would get it if we switched to Jimmy, but the antagonist? Is he a POV character in the story? I don’t mind the information in the paragraph, but I’d rather learn it through Ellie and/or Jimmy’s lens. It’s their story.
I enjoyed the 250. Maybe Ellie’s bullying could be toned down a little when she starts chucking clothes, but I didn’t think it was anything too egregious. In fact, the only thing I’m missing his Jimmy’s acknowledgment of his tighty whities being strung up. Did he even notice it?
Really good luck with this. If I had another yes to give, this would be it.
What a unique set-up for a story!
ReplyDeleteFor your query...WHY is Ellie on a ship with her nemesis? Is this a class trip? Did their parents decide to take a trip and it is just a coincidence? Are the parents friends, but the kids can't stand each other?
The rest of the query has great info, but I agree that you might consider changing the POV of that second paragraph.
For your 250:
Have the part about the duffel bag come before the underwear goes up the flagpole. It will explain how she got them.
Also, I had a tough time buying that Ellie would toss him his sweatshirt. I mean...the girl just put his underwear up the flag pole and she is upset at the things this kid has done to her. Why would she show him pity and hand him his sweatshirt?
BUT...I can see kids cracking up at the underwear on the flagpole and I think you have a voice. Keep working on this one. It is a "no" from me right now, but it was a close call.
Reluctant No here. As an Emily Windsnap fan, I'm all for MG merpeople stories, but I had the same reservations as those above. My main one wasn't necessarily that Ellie was mean, but that she seemed REALLY mean in comparison to the snarky, stupid things Jimmy did--like knock off books and trip her. Perhaps if we saw Jimmy mistreat Ellie and the effect it had on her, then her getting back at him this way would be okay. But now she's just mean.
ReplyDeleteAs for the query, the second paragraph comes out of nowhere. I'm not even sure you need it for the query. Going straight to Jimmy missing, Ellie figuring out what's wrong and battling the merpeople would still work, and without that second paragraph you could go into more detail about how Ellie learns about the merpeople and what specifically she must do to save him.
Great voice, though, and like I said above, I do love the premise. Good luck!
No from me. The premise caught my interest, but the second paragraph in your query switches focus and that threw me off. The focus should remain on Ellie throughout the query.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you describe Ellie and Jimmy as mortal enemies, but the first 250 establishes their relationship as more sibling-like. Ellie is walking around, rifling through Jimmy's things, and Jimmy's not even putting up a protest. Yeah, he's getting all seasick, but even after Ellie talks about what he did to her at school, my sympathy is for Jimmy. At least when he was teasing Ellie, she had all her wits about her and could have defended herself. Right now she's just being a bully.
I am withholding my vote again because I just don't know MG well enough to judge.
ReplyDeleteMy only observation is that I personally hate the title. I want a title with words I can read easily, and that excite me. This is naturally highly subjective.
Tobias Eaton (4)
I'm a visitor. It would be a no for reasons already listed above. The primary two reasons are issue of how/why they ended up on such a trip, such an unusual circumstance that a short explanation is needed. And I'd really like to know and like your MC before I see her so obnoxious. You do have great voice and a wonderful story to tell. Clarify a few things in your query and let us like Ellie for a moment and your writing skills will carry you forward.
ReplyDeleteNo. Reluctantly, because I like the idea.
ReplyDeleteIn the query you state that Ellie and Jimmy are arch enemies. In the 250 she’s convinced him to come on this journey. That’s confusing. If they were friends and have become enemies, make that clear in the query. It helps refine Ellie’s motivation. I do like the merpeople idea a lot, as well as their mistaking the return of whaling vessel for a renewed attack on their world.
No one believes Ellie? They just lost a child overboard. The only conclusion the adults and everyone else will make is that he’s dead. Nobody “disappears” at sea. If they’re not on the ship, and they’re not visible in the water, then they’ve drowned. A teaching ship would turn around and head into the nearest port if they’d a lost a child. I think you need to find a way to explain or soften the scariness of this plot development in the query, maybe make it clear that we’re in a fantasy world from the beginning?
Finally, Jimmy’s pretty talkative for a seasick kid. While I like the idea of Ellie throwing his clothes about to show him how hurt she is while he’s ill and defenseless, being talkative or aware has not been my experience of seasickness in myself or others. You might want to move the story on past the point at which Jimmy gets his sea legs and starts feeling better.
I’d also like a little more sense of the Scrimshawnees – what do they look like? Do Ellie and Jimmy make friends among them?
Good luck!
Yes.
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion, the query letter is kind of short and it doesn't really explain why Jimmy is her nemesis. But I enjoyed it nonetheless. I also really liked the voice in your first 250, although if Ellie is the one getting back at Jimmy, she's the one that kind of sounds like the bully. Maybe that's because it's the first page and we haven't seen any of their backstory, but I'd watch that. Good luck!
#18
# 5 here - I'd say no, I'm not going to request pages.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, yes, you have marvelous voice. It feels just right for the genre you're writing in. And the premise itself is also very interesting and engaging.
However, the query could use some expansion of plot and character. I don't mean for this to be a recitation of the reasons most have already listed, as those are mostly the same reasons I said no. The thing I am most missing is a sense of the personal growth Ellie will undergo throughout his story. Nothing is touched on besides the external plot. People have mentioned that you need to mention why Jimmy is Ellie's nemesis, and I agree. But, is there some reason that the things he does are especially hurtful to her? What is their relationship besides classmates? And then, is the only reason Ellie wants to save Jimmy because she's going to get punished? Will saving Jimmy make her realize something about herself? Make her stronger than she thought she was? Just something. What's Ellie's internal conflict about saving Jimmy??
This is completely reiterating, but, yes, I agree Ellie comes off quite mean. The guy is retching from seasickness and she's just gleefully piling on. You've set us up to be on Jimmy's side, not Ellie's, and I think we need to be on Ellie's side in order to cheer her on during the challenges she's about to face.
It's a great premise, though! Lots of luck with it!
Hi, I'm #19. :)
ReplyDeleteQuery:
First off, I really liked the premise! Sounds very fun and I haven't read many stories featuring merpeople.
A lot of the other commenters mentioned the same things I was thinking, so I won't go into a lot of detail. I do think you cold expand the query a bit. It is a little on the short side and we could stand to learn a little more about Ellie and Jimmy's relationship. Even a mention as to how they get to go on this once-in-a-lifetime trip. Small specifics like this help your story stand out and show off its uniqueness.
250:
I was a little frustrated when I got to the 250! I really liked the premise a lot but I was disappointed to not feel sympathy for either character. From the query, I expected Jimmy to be bullying Ellie, not the other way around. And seasickness, while not a punishment that Ellie got to give Jimmy, is a punishment in itself. The fact that she takes advantage of his situation doesn't endear me to her and I badly wanted to like your MC. If you tone down her actions, it might help the reader. Maybe if she asks him how he likes feeling helpless or something similar...just something less antagonistic. The scene may read differently.
I am confused as to why Ellie would invite her nemesis on the trip as well. If I was being bullied, there would be no way that I would ask the person hurting me to come along.
For me, it's a no. I love your idea though. Honestly, there isn't a lot of editing that you'll have to do to make this really shine. You've done a great job already. Keep it up! :)
Great revisions. You’re really close to a yes from me. A few minor tweak suggestions…
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of the new query’s opening, but it reads a little over-dramatic for my tastes. I would suggest paring it down to something like:
“Twelve-year-old Ellie wants to stop being ticked at Jimmy whose consistent bullying forced her to change schools, but a bigger part of her wants to teach Jimmy a lesson. So when she wins…”
The second two paragraphs I think you can combine. We don’t need quite so much information about the Scrimshawnees goals. Something like:
“She only plans to put a few dead fish in his bunk. Maybe run his underwear up the ship’s mast like a flag. She never means for him to fall overboard and get captured by the Scrimshawnees, a tribe of warrior merpeople who are out for revenge of their own. Humans killed the sacred whales they depend on for survival, and they’re not about to let them do it again. They declare war on the whaling ship and its captain; who they mistakenly believe is Jimmy.”
The meat of your query should be around 250 words. Too much longer and you risk not holding readers’ interests. You’re at just under 300 now. So squishing these two paragraphs together will save you a tone of real estate.
Love the last paragraph. Great stakes. Overall your query has a clear and easy to read “character, conflict, stakes,” format (my personal favorite!). Just see if you can streamline it a bit.
I also love the additions to the 250. Just the one simple action of Ellie sliding the sweater over softens her from the first draft. Only one minor suggestions. I love the nerd-turd and geek freak additions, but some of the new stuff, like the query, read a bit melodramatic for me. I’d pair it down to:
“Oh, don’t be a whiner. There are worse things than seasickness,” Ellie said with a smirk. “You know, like having your books shoved off your desk, being called nerd-turd and geek freak.”
^ You could bring in something hear about her having to change schools.
Overall, great changes. You defiantly cleared up the problems people had with the frist draft. Sounds like a fun MG, one that the kids I babysit (and me too, hehe) would get a kick out of!
#20
Revision critique from #17
ReplyDeleteAshley gave you a great way to reformat that first paragraph. You made your story much more clear in this query, but I agree that it is a little lengthy. I don't think you need to put that he is under water breathing, etc. Saying he is captured is enough.
Your 250
Much better job of getting me to feel for Ellie. She doesn't sound so mean-spirited anymore!