After fending off countless drunken losers, seventeen-year-old Zoe finally meets the girl of her dreams: sweet, charming, funny—as long as she can ignore the fangs and fur.
Save me from the math. I’m so bored, I type. Keep me awake.
I know. I have one too.
Nerd.
English Nerd.
You up for a party this weekend?
Title: SKIN DEEP
Genre: YA Urban Fantasy/Paranormal Romance
Word Count: xx,xxx
Query:
Seventeen-year-old Zoe finally meets the girl of her dreams—as long as she can ignore the fangs and fur.
Zoe couldn't care less when super-popular Ryan chats her up, but when he corners her alone and tries to force himself on her, she flees into the woods, escaping with only a few bruises on her arms. When she can't find her way back, she spends the night wandering until she comes across an isolated mansion.
Enter Isabella, a cursed girl who has had no human contact in years, afraid that revealing herself would land her in a lab. At first, Zoe is shocked by Isabella’s beastly appearance, but as Isabella helps her, Zoe finds appearances to be deceiving. Instead of fierce and overpowering, she is kind and warm.
Every weekend, Zoe lies to her friends and family so she can visit Isabella, and help her search for a way to break the curse. Her family life becomes strained by her continued absence, making it harder for her to slip away. Meanwhile, Ryan’s angry about the police charges Zoe has filed against him, and he hounds her in an attempt to get her to drop them.
When Ryan discovers Isabella, he orders Zoe to clear his name or he’ll expose Isabella to the world—and maybe a lab. Unwilling to risk Isabella ending up on a lab table, she tries telling her parents, but they know something isn’t right when she tells them, and they press Ryan harder, unwittingly leaving her at his fury.
First 250
The numbers, symbols, and equations blur together in a sea of gibberish.
I sneak my phone from my pocket, angling it in the sweet spot under my desk my teacher never notices, and select My Favorite Bitch—Jenny picked the name, not that I complained.
Save me from the math. I’m so bored, I type. Keep me awake.
While I wait for her to reply, I change her profile picture. I scroll through my image gallery, and settle on one that highlights her auburn hair, wide, brown eyes, and pouty lips. Five seconds later, it’s replaced the one of her in her Halloween costume.
My phone vibrates. Cant hlp calc Test 2moro.
I squint, deciphering her message. Would it kill her to use some punctuation or vowels?
I know. I have one too.
U up 4 a party this weekend?
I’m about to reply, when my teacher raps his knuckle on my desk, giving me a disapproving look. “Zoe?”
I slink downward. “Uh, yeah?”
“Put it away or I take it.”
I spend the rest of class slouched at my desk, rubbing a strand of my blonde hair between my fingers. Twenty torturous minutes later, I’m free. I meet up with Jenny at our lockers.
“What happened? Your teacher catch you again?”
My head clangs against the metal. “Yup.”
“Oh.” She leans closer to me, a pleased look in her eyes. “Well, I was trying to tell you Ryan’s having a party this weekend.”
“Yay?”
“You remember Ryan, right?”
Query:
ReplyDeleteAlthough there really isn't anything major wrong that I can point to, I read your query three times trying to find what was at stake? Query letter are evil, we all know it and, for most of us, they seem to morph into mini synopsis' or some hybrid of the two. I think that's what's happened here.
I do get a sense of what's going on, which is good. But I don't get a sense of why I should care about a girl who's met another girl who's different... I need to know why and what's at stake.
1st 250
NOt every novel needs to begin with a explosion or something dramatic, so I was fine with the start. It set the scene nicely. I like the phone & text message. But then you spent almost the rest of the 250 telling us about another text.
I would strongly suggest finishing that bit off at the 'not using vowels' thought (& btw, if her friend does shorten everything then she'd more likely write 2moro), and move the story forward more quickly.
It's a no from me, most because I didn't get a sense of the stakes in the QL and for the reason mentioned in the 1st 250.
NO #7
YES. (#11)
ReplyDeleteI love the query. It tells me everything I need to know and entices me to read.
The first 250 may need a little tweaking. I didn't understand the English in bold, and I'd like to get a little better sense of the surroundings before we launch into texting back and forth. And I think there may be a better way to show the texting.
But overall, I would read this (and keep reading the 250). Very nicely done.
I remember seeing this query over at AQC (so I saw the revisions it went through), and I'm a major sucker for retellings. The hook is amazing. I would want to read your book based on that alone, but the rest of it does a nice job summing everything else up.
ReplyDeleteI liked the first 250 as well.
Yes!!
[#8]
This sounds more like paranormal romance than urban fantasy. Both are hard sells right now, although I don't know if YA PNR is easier than adult.
ReplyDeleteThe query is interesting, but the stakes just don't seem high enough to me. What's so bad about telling people about Isabella if it means justice is served? Also, you need to break up the sentence structure a little. When it's all compound sentences and clauses connected with commas, it's too much. Break it up and try to vary it a little. And you've got an extra comma in the first sentence of the fourth paragraph (That doesn't really affect my decision, but it could matter to an agent).
You've given me a pretty good sense of the character in the first 250, but not of the plot or why any of this matters. Without some incident or event hinting at more later, all I see is a kid who isn't paying attention in class. I need more than that to keep reading.
I like the day of a modern-day GLBT* Beaty and the Beast, but I'd have to say no.
I like the hook, although it would stand just fine without the "sweet, charming, funny" bit. I have a clear idea of MC, the stakes, and the consequences. The only thing I could pick at would be the length...maybe a bit too long.
ReplyDeleteI like the 250, but I think opening in a classroom is a cliché (Opened mine right before a funeral, so I'm totally not counting the cliché thing against you). After the query, I really wanted to get to know Zoe, but that didn't really happen in the first 250.
I've read all the submissions, but I've decided to vote on only the first seven. If this query fell into an agents hands with some of the higher # queries in this contest, it may not get a request. But I'm giving it a yes.
Yes. (non-contestant)
I liked the concept and the MC, though the word count seems a little low. I was surprised that at 17 Zoe had already fought off 'countless drunken losers' but thought the sentence had a very strong close which pulled me in. Unless this is a crucial bit we must know up front, suggest trimming the detail of 'on her arms' in the second paragraph. Also, perhaps add in a detail to 'when she can't find her way back' -- back where? Home, school? For clarity's sake, suggest 'At first, (she is) shocked by Isabella's...but (as Isabella helps her) Zoe finds appearances to be deceiving.' I'd cut the 'as Isabella helps her' since the following line delves into this.
ReplyDeleteFirst 250
The meaning is clear as written, but you might want to cut some of the uses of 'my' in the second paragraph (there are five).
YES (#9)
I liked it, but I didn't love it. In your query letter, in the third paragraph (where Isabella enters), one of the sentences was confusing. "At first she is shocked..." this sentence sounds like Isabella is the "she" from the previous sentence. But then I realized it was Zoe. So my suggestion is to put in the name.
ReplyDeleteI thought the texting translation was clever.
Wait, is Zoe a lesbian? Your hook suggests it. If this is the case, then that's really hot right now, but I wouldn't be the "agent" to sell it. (I'm pretending, you understand.)
So I'm going to vote
NO (from the audience)
To give you an idea of my own “agent” so you can understand why I am commenting the way I am:
ReplyDeleteIf it is YA, I am hoping that it is intelligent YA. One of the best series that falls in the category for me is Harry Potter. Twilight and Divergent, to me, are trite and treat the reader as less intelligent than they are. The concepts, ideas, and language can be more complex. That is what I am looking for in all areas. BTW 30% of YA books right now are read by women in their 30s. Just sayin’.
NA? It better be intelligent and deal in some type of social commentary. Think of The Catcher in The Rye. This NA romance trend right now, to me, is appalling. Are scratching your head asking why The Catcher in The Rye? It still sells 50,000 copies per year, that’s why. The Lovely Bones fits in here for me as well, although it tracked well with females aged 13 - 20, which would make it more YA than NA.
Adult, This better deal with complex issues regardless of the genre, and doesn’t need a happy ending. Authors here? Stephen King, John Grisham, etc.
MG? I read To Kill a Mockingbird, Animal Farm, and The Hobbit in the middle grande range. That would be the level of work I am looking for here.
Agent #12:
Yes.
I dig this, but can’t elaborate why. The query needs to be tightened up a bit to bring the stakes up higher, but I still get it.
In the first 250, I like your style and the use of action (show vs. telling) and the voice that goes along with it. I am intrigued and would ask to see more pages.
My 2 cents.
Hi, it'd be a yes from this audience member! And, I have to say that, to me, this is exactly what a retelling should read like--it's obvious from the pages. One nitpick on the query, I'd use "Zoe" instead of "she" in this sentence: "At first, she is shocked by Isabella’s beastly appearance, but as Isabella helps her, Zoe finds appearances to be deceiving. Instead of fierce and overpowering, she is kind and warm." This is because you just introduced Isabella in the sentence before, so the mind automatically thinks it's going to be a para on Isabella.
ReplyDeleteI like the 250 too. Great voice. Clean, moves the story. I'd request pages. Good luck!
Hi! I think I should warn you in advance that I tend to write a LOT when I critique. That’s mostly because I like to make sure that my comments are as clear as possible and because sometimes babbling on my end can lead to plot bunnies on yours. :)
ReplyDeleteWith that, here we go.
Query:
I’m all about the idea behind your hook. I’m just not a fan of the execution. It’s overly long, unfocused, and busy. The point is Zoe meeting Isabella, right? Ditch the drunk losers and get to the super cool LGBT Beauty and the Beast stuff.
In the third paragraph, starting with Isabella makes me think you’re doing a POV shift. Which is both a bit no-no and pretty confusing, because then I’m not sure who the heck the “she” is supposed to be in the next sentence. It’s really easy to mix up your antecedents when you’re not writing carefully enough. Try to be mindful of that.
Your stakes don’t really seem that compelling to me. I get that Ryan not being convicted would suck, but it’s hardly the end of the world for Zoe, the way it’s presented now. You said he’s “hounding” her. That doesn’t give me a clear idea of what’s happening. Is he being physically violent or threatening? Will something bad happen to Zoe if she doesn’t hold the charges against him? If anything, I’d cut some unnecessary words out of the first couple of paragraphs to flesh out your stakes a tiny bit more. They feel flat and forced as-is.
All that said, I’d read the 250 words based on the concept alone.
I do wonder how similar this is to BEASTLY? I’ve never read nor watched it, but you might want to make sure your retellings aren’t overly similar. Also, since I’m making big picture comments, 48k is really short for YA, especially YA fantasy.
250:
I don’t have any disagreements with the writing. I adore Zoe’s voice. Technically, everything was just fine. (Except how did Zoe bold a word in a text? I haven’t been able to do that since, like, 2007, when I had this weird phone that opened sideways to have a full physical keyboard…)
It’s just such a predictable place to start: in the classroom. I am so, so happy not to be in high school anymore. I don’t like reading about some mundane text conversation about homework and some party this weekend. I had four years of that. ;) I’m being dramatic, but I do think you’re picking up the story in the wrong place. If anything, I’d like to see you pick up with this party, where I assume the gross assault business will go down.
Just avoid the “class so boring that even the MC doesn’t care” scenario. It’s not very fun to read about at all.
If I were an agent, I’d ask for a partial on account of the concept, with my reservations. It would probably be an R&R if I really liked what I saw.
So, briefly: Yes, with mild reservations.
- Audience Member, @mostlytaylor
P.S. If you have any questions or qualms about my comments, feel free to contact me ye ole Tweeter.
There are problems in the query, such as the word count being at least 10k words too low, and it sounds like it should be labeled paranormal romance. But I LOVE the premise of a f/f YA UF with werewolves, where the MC is the human. I really am excited by this premise. So I would request more, and hope that I love it, and hope that it is good enough that I'm interested in investing time and energy into helping the author pad it out and polish it up.
ReplyDeleteThe first opening line of the query I think doesn't belong there. Just open with the second paragraph about the guy not interesting her. It immediately hits on the fact that the MC is gay and bam, conflict happens. The first opening line would work really well right after the paragraph about her meeting Isabella - so making it the third paragraph instead of first.
I also want to know more clearly what the consequences are, if Zoe doesn't drop the charges against Ryan.
In the first 250 words, there's a grammar issue where non-inner dialogue is italicized. Good use of texting though.
On the other hand, the first chapter seems to start off too slow if it's in a classroom. As good as it is ** nothing is really happening **. <- trying to make that clear. If I were your beta reader, I would highly HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend, in all capital letters, an OMG start the story with your MC throwing off yet another drunk teenage asshole while at a party, and then bumping into this mysterious hot girl (the werewolf). Starts the story right when the story starts.
I would ask for more, and hope that the partial request shows me that this is worth investing in.
Yes. (#5)
I'm concerned that the word count is too low, but I'm willing to look past aspects of that because beauty and the beast is a pretty short story, but if I were you, I'd look to see if there are some areas that could use some extra development.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm completely intrigued by where things are going with this story. I want to meet this beast. I want to see this play out.
But the first 250 aren't that compelling. They aren't all that different from any other first 250 and not that intriguing. This gives me pause because the first 250 can be a window into the rest of the story. It can also be a window into the writer overthinking the first 250.
Yes (#20)
i thin the query is the same, but i liked it the first time anyway. i like the revised 250. I'm still yes on this.
ReplyDelete