Written with a noir flair, THE FAITHFUL is an Adult Urban Fantasy set in another world about a gangster's journey to becoming a god. It is complete at 85,000 words. It is the first novel in a series.
Query:
Complete at 85,000 words, THE FAITHFUL is a Fantasy Noir that combines the punch of True Detective with the dark fantasy of Alan Campbell's Deepgate Codex.
Raine Morgan is a mobster, the right hand of Na Creidmhigh. As a collector for the Family, he is recognized by most citizens. If he's after you, there's no hiding.
When he's tasked with hunting down two miscreants who have been messing with the bottom line, he thinks it will be an easy job. Raine utilizes all his sources to track them, only to find them assaulting a woman. He charges in, accidentally murdering her in the scuffle.
As news spreads of Raine's crimes, a greedy middleman overthrows the current leadership of Na Creidmhigh and works out a plan to dispose of the only man able to reclaim control: Raine.
A fugitive from the cops and the Family, Raine is determined to clear his name, delving deeper into the seedy underbelly of the city. It's only with the help of a friend inside the crumbling Na Creidmhigh as well as a streetwise artist that Raine remains undetected.
While eluding the authorities, Raine crosses paths with something far older than the Family. Killing the girl and damning his soul had some unexpected consequences: one being the attention of long forgotten gods.
As the old pantheon returns to the city they'd abandoned, they expect to find some naive god for them to manipulate. Instead, they find a man stripped of everything, intent on playing both sides as civil war erupts between them and they learn an awful reality - even gods can die.
250:
Raine Morgan pulled a crushed pack from his jacket, fished out a twisted cigarette. A match's flame flickered then vanished. He took a drag, stared at the bars from his niche across the street. Neon flashed through the evening haze, calling the shuffling drunks out into the dead of night for some faintly promised tail.
The chill air reeked of the sea. In the distance, a bell dinged, signaling choppy waters and an endless night. He shifted position, regretted it when the blue light from Oki's Veins blinded him momentarily. A needling pain thrummed under his right eye, causing the light to sear his vision. He planted his arm to cover the thick pane of glass. Grasping his watch chain, Raine checked the time, shoved the piece back into his vest pocket with a sigh.
“Mr. Morgan,” a soft, earnest voice said. The man fumbled with a sheet of paper. It crinkled as he flipped it over.
Raine leaned into the brick. “Where to?”
“The Deserted Temple.”
“The target?”
“Manal Ratula.”
Raine flicked his cigarette into a mound of trash and sauntered forward. He rolled his fingers against the night's bitter cold as if sliding a quarter along his knuckles. Turning a corner, he stopped at a rundown dive, chains rattling above where a sign should've hung. The Deserted Temple's shattered windows gleamed with candlelight. Its warped door hung ajar, ragged holes in the wood revealing mischief and deeds better left to dark corners.
He slipped in, hot air wafting over him as the cold chased in vain.
The 250 opening certainly reminded me of film noir, which I love. But in this case, it seems a bit overdone. There is so much description but nothing going on. so far, he lit a cigarette and said a few words to someone. I think if you trim down some of the description, it would actually enhance the story rather than drag it down.
ReplyDeleteThe query seems to be things happening to and around the mc. I really don't have a sense for what he wants until the very last word of the query. What are his obstacles to getting what he wants? What happens if he doesn't get it? It almost seems like this is two stories mashed into one. He's a film noir anti-hero in a crime family, and then he's a god. I don't see the connection of how that comes about. He's on the run and then he just sits around and realizes he's a god. I think the query needs more work than the 250 to really pull an agent in.
No. (#11)
Query:
ReplyDeleteI was intrigued, but I don't honestly understand the premise. I'm left with a lot of questions. Why is he becoming a god? If he's becoming a god, why does he need redemption? How exactly is he becoming a god?
The part that mentioned Dion in the query confused me a bit and was too narrative for a query, in my opinion. I'd recommend tightening up the query overall by cutting some parts and summarizing more. I'd much rather read "In an effort to save him, an alcoholic god just happened to start the god transformation process (or whatever it is…I'm still a bit u unclear) than reading a whole paragraph about this one plot point.
On positive note, LOVED: "As they come together, a civil war erupts between them and they learn an awful reality - even gods can die."
250:
Loved first paragraph, but I think you'd benefit in moving up the dialogue. Great use of cigarette. Totally could picture it.
NO #13
I liked it despite being a little jumpy. You could probably cut some of the second paragraph to make it a little more concise.
ReplyDeleteI was intrigued in the first 250 though there might be too much description. I liked it though
Yes (#4)
This is very intriguing. My concern is that I wasn't able to follow the query after the first line. I know what you were attempting because you told me, but after that, the query didn't work for me. For me, the problem was that there wasn't enough about the world for me to feel grounded in things like "finds a rotting god." What does that mean? how can a god be rotting? aren't they immortal by nature? points of clarification would help because I don't know if godhood is something that can transfer, or if it's being used ironically. So I'm confused. If the gods are going to play a big part in your story, it might be useful to have them explained. Or, it might be easier to write your query without the gods in it, as there's a whole storyline without the gods. With the gods, I just can't make sense out of it. If you find that there are plenty of people who get it, then don't worry about me, as personal preference is huge.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, but this one is a No. (#20)
Yes. I can't even really explain why. I desperately want to read this. I don't even like urban fantasy (I know I'm supposed to pretend I do, but - I mean, well done query!).
ReplyDeleteI love the way the first 250 sets the scene. There's good description, and I want to know what happens next. I'm a little troubled by the cigarette flicked into a mound of trash, though - waiting to see fire exploding behind him (and if it doesn't, maybe have him stub it out first?).
Anyway, yes. Absolutely, this all works for me.
This is a reluctant no.
ReplyDeleteI love the premise -- and noir is hot these days with some of the coolest agents. :)
BUT -- I felt the query needed some real trimming, and as others have mentioned, the opening 250 could pick up a little too. I get what you were headed for - and the atmospherics in noir are definitely important. But I guess I also wanted there to be a little more action, even a small moment of conflict to help me connect a little more to Raine.
Good luck!!
Member of the Audience - @HeatherMC66
I really like the writing in the 250--the word choices make the setting feel really rich. The query was more confusing than intriguing, though. I want to understand how gods work in this world, why he's becoming one (is it on purpose or on accident?), and how the gangster part of the book relates to the fantasy part (do gangsters ever take on gods? Or make deals with them?). I would say no to this, but if you fixed up the query, it would probably turn into a yes.
ReplyDeleteHi, this would be a no from this audience member. I think the query reads a little too much like a synopsis and is a little too long. I don't think you need to tell us so much (in the query) about who he was supposed to murder when the story seems to take off after the murder goes bad. I liked the 250--I thought you painted the scene well, it just didn't overcome the problems in the query to make it a yes.
ReplyDeleteI love anything noir but feel this needs more punch to the query. I'm confused too about why he has to become a god. The first 250 were intriguing but if I had to base my request on the query, I'd pass.
ReplyDeleteNo (audience)
The 'noir flair' in the opening paragraph put me off. I'd prefer you show me this flair (which you do in the first 250) rather than telling me. I'd also suggest cutting the 2nd paragraph entirely -- it ended up muddying the plot rather than pulling me forward --and the information's provided in a clearer way in the next paragraph. Also, the big question hanging remains -- why is Raine becoming a god? Is this a common thing in this word or something unique?
ReplyDeleteFirst 250 - Good noir tone but I suggest trimming back or dividing into two sentences the line starting 'He took a drag...'
I love noir and I think with a few tweaks I'd change my vote, but for now, it's a No (#9).
This is a close no for me.
ReplyDeleteI think the concept is cool and the character arc toward redemption sounds as if it could be very powerful, and some of the imagery and detail in the writing in the first 250 is fantastic. But as it stands now, both query and 250 left me muddled and confused.
My biggest point of confusion was the setting. I know you mention in the query that it takes place in another world, but that's easy to miss (and most urban fantasy is an alternate version of the real world rather than a wholly invented one). Even if I catch that, I don't have a good sense of what this world is like.
Relatedly, the descriptive setting details you give us in the first 250 are often disjointed and out of context. You mention covering a pane of glass and leaning against brick, but not what these things are a part of -- they could be floating in the air. Is this a building? Is he inside or outside? What is the building? Who is this guy with the sheet of paper? We never even see him. Was he there the whole time, or did he just arrive? What the heck is Oki's Veins? I wasn't sure if it was an interestingly named bar with a flashy sign, or an astronomical phenomenon. And before I can try to get grounded in the first scene, we're whisked to another place.
I also think the query could go into less detail on the inciting incident (it's almost like you're retelling the one scene for much of the query) and focus more on the overall conflict, especially on his inner arc. You get at that with the last line about redemption, but that seems like the most powerful part of the story, and I'd love to see it get more attention in the query.
Good luck!
(#17)
No.
ReplyDeleteThe query feels a bit synopis-y. I like the idea of the genre blend a lot, but the query doesn't really show stakes.
Also, saying that it's the first in a series, is usually a very bold move for a first time author.
The first 250 have a lot of proper names of things I don't know yet, and therefore feel a bit disjointed
(1)
I have no idea if Raine is a guy or a girl, so when we start using pronouns I'm not sure who's being killed, doing the killing, and so forth. Or why. The query also lacks voice, leaving it with the feel of a synopsis more than a query. While I like the overall feel of the first 250, there were a few instances where I don't know what's going on because of references to something I assume is otherworldly, such as Oki's Veins.
ReplyDeleteIt would have to be a no.
Right off it being said as the first in a series is very dissuasive because it implies you are querying for a story that spans multiple novels, rather than querying for one story alone. The query should be for one novel only, one story only, with a "and more can happen after this story I'm telling right now" which typically is conveyed as, "with series potential". Query also feels too much like a synopsis in first 5 paragraphs, than a query. The last line about adapting sounds too easy as well, as if there isn't really any conflict for the MC to deal with, he's just adapting, rather than he MUST adapt BUT .
ReplyDeleteI also stumbled over the MC's name - my brain rewrote the name as Rachel Morgan, because of the books by Kim Harrison.
Good writing, feels polished, but wasn't able to feel worried or connected to anything or the MC, and there are a lot of "this thing that's like this other thing" stylistic er, things, in there, that should probably be more carefully used - although this may or may not be just a matter of personal taste, I do feel like those should be used as sparingly as possible. All the same, this feels good and close and maybe ready, maybe needs one more pass with a red pen.
No. (#5)
Revision crit.
ReplyDeleteI like this new version MUCH more. There are still some things I'd like to know. I get that powers are moving and forces are being brought to bear, but what does Raine stand to gain out of all of this? What does he want and who is stopping him from getting it. I think if you can clear those things up, your query will punch people in the gut (in a good way). This is SOOOOO close. Just let us know what your MC wants and what he stands to lose and you'll be there.
I think you improved some things in this query revision, but introduced other issues. As such, this is still a no for me, though I'm definitely interested in the story.
ReplyDeleteI think the revised query reads more cleanly, and definitely think the intro paragraph is much better. I think you could tighten the current version, however, focusing in on the core conflict.
Right now, it's not clear from this query what the core of the story is. You lost the search for redemption in this revision, which I had assumed was the emotional core; it might be good to get that back, unless that's not really what the story is about? It's hard for me to tell what his goals are in this version. You mention clearing his name, but if he's actually a mobster who murdered the woman, what is he clearing his name of? (It seems like anything he might be accused of is probably true?) Is he trying to regain control of his criminal organization, go clean, play both sides against each other, clear his name, or what? I can't tell. If you can focus in on whatever the core conflict is and really highlight that, I don't think you need to lay out every side conflict in the story.
I also think the fantasy elements come in too late in this version. Everything seems 100% mundane until the end of the 6th paragraph. If the gods are part of the core conflict instead of an afterthought (and I hope they are, because, well, GODS), then you probably want to bring them in much sooner.
Good luck with this! It really sounds like an interesting story!
(#17)
The gods play into the story as more of a hint for the first half, but then once they come out of the shadows, they become the center point of the movement of the rest of the novel. Unfortunately, this doesn't cleanly fit into a query - the first portion of the novel is Raine as part of this organization, trying to hunt down the guys who he sees as having made him murder the woman (a god was involved, but he doesn't know). When he sees them repeating this behavior, he becomes focused on preventing it by killing them, but is constantly stopped from completing this mission.
DeleteSo, in short, the mobster stuff continues throughout, with the gods playing a huge part toward the latter half of the novel, but still being involved in their own intertwined storyline as well.
The query has improved, its still a yes for me, but I wish I could have seen a revised 250
ReplyDeleteYes #4
I think this version of the query is much more effective. Raine's goal of surviving is enough of a hook to keep me reading. One picky point -- and if no one else mentions it -- ignore! Perhaps insert Raine's name into the final line, i.e.: 'Instead they find Raine, a man stripped...' I love the idea that gods can die. A 'yes' from me (#9).
ReplyDelete