Enjoy!
Original, uncommented version. Read it before you read my comments so you can make your own judgement! Remember, I'm not always right. Feel free to disagree with my comments.
Title: TAINTED LOVE
Genre: High Fantasy
Word Count: Work In Progress
Dear Agent:
In Mithos, where white magic is fueled by purity and black magic by passion, True Love is known as the Intolerable Sin. It’s the darkest, most corrupt source of magic in the world. The punishment: a quick death.
Martia is a Love Child, born out of True Love. She spent her entire life in the Academy, isolated from regular society. But now that she’s graduated, Martia is out in the real world, doing what the Academy trained her to do: assassinate those who’ve committed the Intolerable Sin.
Then Martia meets Narin, the oldest son of Mithos’s empress. The beautiful, courteous man draws her attention like no other—and when their eyes meet, the world stands still. Martia refuses to commit the Intolerable Sin. True Love’s Kiss alone could level an army. But as Martia draws closer to Narin, her choice must be made—kill Narin as she was trained to do, or give into the black magic and risk everything.
Complete at XXX, TAINTED LOVE is a stand-alone high fantasy with strong romantic elements. I have included the XXX in the body of this email.
First 250:
The streets of Yuin are no place for love.
I creep through the shadows, the clack of my boots muffled and unheard. I wear all black in a city of tan stone, bright glass murals and strips of crimson fabric. Even at night, Yuin is never dark.
A giggling couple stumble into the alley. The man leans toward the woman, his voice low and teasing. Her giggles grow to a squealing chuckle. She clutches her sides, bunching up the flowing layers of orange, pink and purple that makes up her long pleated dress. The man’s grin is wide enough to crack his face. She reaches for his hand—
She sees me.
Her laughter cuts off and fear streaks through her wine-glazed eyes. She tries to stand straight, but wobbles. The man frowns at her. She grasps his hand and leans close.
“It’s one of Them.”
The man turns and freezes when he sees me. For a moment, all is still and silent, except for the distant music of viheulas and bongo drums.
The couple is attractive with dark hair and honey-colored skin. Mithoian by birth, then. To an ordinary person, they’d look like two drunk lovers, returning from a late night street festival. But I see differently. Surrounding them is a twisting maroon aura, tinted with gray edges. Black magic.
I step forward with an easy smile.
The woman whimpers. “Please don’t kill us.”
The version with my comments on it!
Word Count: Work In Progress
Dear Agent:
In Mithos, where white magic is fueled by purity and black magic by passion, True Love is known as the Intolerable Sin. It’s the darkest, most corrupt source of magic in the world. The punishment: a quick death.
Martia is a Love Child, born out of True Love. She spent her entire life in the Academy, isolated from regular society. But now that she’s graduated, Martia is out in the real world, doing what the Academy trained her to do: assassinate those who’ve committed the Intolerable Sin.
Then Martia meets Narin, the oldest son of Mithos’s empress. The beautiful, courteous man draws her attention like no other—and when their eyes meet, the world stands still. Martia refuses to commit the Intolerable Sin. True Love’s Kiss alone could level an army. But as Martia draws closer to Narin, her choice must be made—kill Narin as she was trained to do, or give into the black magic and risk everything.
Complete at XXX, TAINTED LOVE is a stand-alone high fantasy with strong romantic elements. I have included the XXX in the body of this email.
First 250:
The streets of Yuin are no place for love.
I creep through the shadows, the clack of my boots muffled and unheard. I wear all black in a city of tan stone, bright glass murals and strips of crimson fabric. Even at night, Yuin is never dark.
A giggling couple stumble into the alley. The man leans toward the woman, his voice low and teasing. Her giggles grow to a squealing chuckle. She clutches her sides, bunching up the flowing layers of orange, pink and purple that makes up her long pleated dress. The man’s grin is wide enough to crack his face. She reaches for his hand—
She sees me.
Her laughter cuts off and fear streaks through her wine-glazed eyes. She tries to stand straight, but wobbles. The man frowns at her. She grasps his hand and leans close.
“It’s one of Them.”
The man turns and freezes when he sees me. For a moment, all is still and silent, except for the distant music of viheulas and bongo drums.
The couple is attractive with dark hair and honey-colored skin. Mithoian by birth, then. To an ordinary person, they’d look like two drunk lovers, returning from a late night street festival. But I see differently. Surrounding them is a twisting maroon aura, tinted with gray edges. Black magic.
I step forward with an easy smile.
The woman whimpers. “Please don’t kill us.”
The version with my comments on it!
Title: TAINTED LOVE
Genre: High Fantasy
Word Count: Work In Progress (Not a problem because my contest allowed WIPs.)
Dear Agent:
In Mithos, where white magic is fueled by purity and black magic by passion, True Love is known as the Intolerable Sin. See how she capitalized 'True Love' and 'Intolerable Sin.' This is a way to add world-building easily without overcrowding the query, something I see SO MUCH in queries for fantasies (especially high fantasy). The writer (including me, back when I was querying a high fantasy) thinks he/she has to include so many details about their world, but in doing so, only convoluted the query and confuses the reader. With Tiffanie's capitalization, the reader or agent can infer that in this world, it's not good-old-normal true love, it's True Love, the Intolerable Sin. And she did that all in just one sentence. It’s the darkest, most corrupt source of magic in the world. The punishment: a quick death.
The entire hook is a beautiful way to incorporate a lot of world-building without making it convoluted. It's a lot, lot, lot harder than it looks. The only reason it seems easy is because Tiffanie spent a lot of time on it (I think) trying to make it read smoothly. Clarity is important even in non-fantasy queries. Ever had the character soup, where John's uncle Bob and his sister Sarah has a daughter named Marta who's in love with Christopher but there's Mark coming in the way? Yea. Hard to keep track of. Keep the details simple and focus on your query's flow.
Martia is a Love Child, born out of True Love. Tiffanie's hook set up this sentence perfectly. We're scared for Martia because we know how dangerous True Love is in this world. And now we're wondering, 'How'd she get born in secrecy? What'll happen to her?' She spent her entire life in the Academy, isolated from regular society. But now that she’s graduated, Martia is out in the real world, doing what the Academy trained her to do: assassinate those who’ve committed the Intolerable Sin.
Here, Tiffanie sets up Martia's character arc. She's killing people like her own parents. Think that won't set up any problems later on? Think again. Without Tiffanie telling us, we know that there are problems coming up - and we want to be there to witness them unfold. (Mostly, I want to witness her getting a taste of her own medicine when she realizes she's killing people like her own parents!)
Then Martia meets Narin, the oldest son of Mithos’s empress. The beautiful, courteous man draws her attention like no other—and when their eyes meet, the world stands still. Normally, this cliche wouldn't work well. I'm not sure if it does even right now, but it's acceptable simply because the entire book's premise is based around a cliche: True Love. This novel is a twist on the notion of True Love. In this world, this cliche is acceptable. In fact, it's funny that Martia fell victim to it :) I'm liking Martia more and more! She's very well developed in the query. Martia refuses to commit the Intolerable Sin. True Love’s Kiss alone could level an army. But as Martia draws closer to Narin, her choice must be made—kill Narin as she was trained to do, or give into the black magic and risk everything.
Here, at the end, Tiffanie lays out the theme of the entire novel: love, and its sacrifices. But she does not over-explain things that don't need any more explaining. For example, the reader can infer that falling in True Love with the empress's son will lead to a lot of trouble.
This is a very thin line of which Tiffanie is on the right side of. Normally, it's way too hard to find out what stuff to leave out and what stuff to include in the query. What's the line between teasing and annoying? Confusion and desire to read? I struggle to find this balance. But I think Tiffanie found it by focusing on one thread during her entire query: Martia's character arc. We see the beginning of it (her assassin side), the pivoting moment (falling in True Love), and we get a glimpse at where it can go from there (falling in Love or killing her love). This thread alone is enough to carry the query (as it does), but either by accident or on purpose, by drawing in concepts and details from her world, Tiffanie hints at so many other avenues where the story might go. It's not the annoying type of teasing. It's the skillful type.
And also: think about the clarity of this query. So easily read, so easily understood. That's rare. Very rare. It's not easy to make a query sound fresh!
Complete at XXX, TAINTED LOVE is a stand-alone high fantasy with strong romantic elements. I have included the XXX in the body of this email.
First 250:
The streets of Yuin are no place for love.
I creep through the shadows, the clack of my boots muffled and unheard. I wear all black in a city of tan stone, bright glass murals and strips of crimson fabric. Even at night, Yuin is never dark.
A giggling couple stumble into the alley. The contrast between the suffocating city and dark colors of the above lines and this happy, giggling couple lend to a creepy, awesome mood. The man leans toward the woman, his voice low and teasing. Her giggles grow to a squealing chuckle. She clutches her sides, bunching up the flowing layers of orange, pink and purple that makes up her long pleated dress. The man’s grin is wide enough to crack his face. She reaches for his hand— Look how easily this is read. It's usually very hard to dive right into the 250. Writing isn't always as clean and smooth as it is here.
She sees me.
Her laughter cuts off and fear streaks through her wine-glazed eyes. She tries to stand straight, but wobbles. The man frowns at her. She grasps his hand and leans close. Showing, not telling. This is good.
“It’s one of Them.” I LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOOK HOW SHE CAPITALIZED 'THEM'. Not only does this show us how alien Martia is to the 'normal' world (how stigmatized she must feel and how the 'normal' people hate her kind), it gives us an insight as to the dynamics of this world.
The man turns and freezes when he sees me. For a moment, all is still and silent, except for the distant music of viheulas and bongo drums.
The couple is attractive with dark hair and honey-colored skin. Mithoian by birth, then. To an ordinary person, they’d look like two drunk lovers, returning from a late night street festival. But I see differently. Surrounding them is a twisting maroon aura, tinted with gray edges. Black magic. That's frankly really cool. I'd read on just to find out why/how True Love is linked with black magic.
I step forward with an easy smile.
The woman whimpers. “Please don’t kill us.”
Holy crap. That last line.... I LOVE IT. IT'S INCREDIBLE.
It seems so easily written because we can read it so quickly and smoothly. But don't be fooled! This type of writing is very hard to do.
Tiffanie also dropped us right into the action. Martia is on her assassin streak and she's about to claim another victim; how much more action do you need? And it's not the confusing action where the reader doesn't know what's going on. The reader is firmly in Martia's head before the action and drama and tension starts. It's not disorienting. It's fluid. And that's incredible.
Also, overall, think about how amazing this premise is. But more importantly, think about how wonderfully it's executed. Great premises are all around us. It's the sad truth. What matters is the execution of said premise. A story centered around True Love could become corny very quickly, but what Tiffanie showed us in her query and 250 is that this is anything but a sappy love story! It's pretty darn awesome, that's what.
What I think made her entry win is: her amazing premise, her execution of the premise, and her solid skills at writing fluid and clean prose. I truly think clean, easy-to-read prose is what distinguishes publishable material from nonpublishable ones. Tiffanie is a testament to that belief :)
So, there you go. That's what I think made her (very unassuming entry) so great, and why she won the contest (congrats!!!). Hope you guys liked it! Also, stay tuned for an interview with Tiffanie coming up Monday morning.
(Woah, it hit me really hard! The 'Become an Agent' contest and all it's post-contest festivities will be over on Monday! Back to regular blogging after that. Wow. That's a weirrddd feeling.)
Do you have anything to add about Tiffanie's entry?
Word Count: Work In Progress (Not a problem because my contest allowed WIPs.)
Dear Agent:
In Mithos, where white magic is fueled by purity and black magic by passion, True Love is known as the Intolerable Sin. See how she capitalized 'True Love' and 'Intolerable Sin.' This is a way to add world-building easily without overcrowding the query, something I see SO MUCH in queries for fantasies (especially high fantasy). The writer (including me, back when I was querying a high fantasy) thinks he/she has to include so many details about their world, but in doing so, only convoluted the query and confuses the reader. With Tiffanie's capitalization, the reader or agent can infer that in this world, it's not good-old-normal true love, it's True Love, the Intolerable Sin. And she did that all in just one sentence. It’s the darkest, most corrupt source of magic in the world. The punishment: a quick death.
The entire hook is a beautiful way to incorporate a lot of world-building without making it convoluted. It's a lot, lot, lot harder than it looks. The only reason it seems easy is because Tiffanie spent a lot of time on it (I think) trying to make it read smoothly. Clarity is important even in non-fantasy queries. Ever had the character soup, where John's uncle Bob and his sister Sarah has a daughter named Marta who's in love with Christopher but there's Mark coming in the way? Yea. Hard to keep track of. Keep the details simple and focus on your query's flow.
Martia is a Love Child, born out of True Love. Tiffanie's hook set up this sentence perfectly. We're scared for Martia because we know how dangerous True Love is in this world. And now we're wondering, 'How'd she get born in secrecy? What'll happen to her?' She spent her entire life in the Academy, isolated from regular society. But now that she’s graduated, Martia is out in the real world, doing what the Academy trained her to do: assassinate those who’ve committed the Intolerable Sin.
Here, Tiffanie sets up Martia's character arc. She's killing people like her own parents. Think that won't set up any problems later on? Think again. Without Tiffanie telling us, we know that there are problems coming up - and we want to be there to witness them unfold. (Mostly, I want to witness her getting a taste of her own medicine when she realizes she's killing people like her own parents!)
Then Martia meets Narin, the oldest son of Mithos’s empress. The beautiful, courteous man draws her attention like no other—and when their eyes meet, the world stands still. Normally, this cliche wouldn't work well. I'm not sure if it does even right now, but it's acceptable simply because the entire book's premise is based around a cliche: True Love. This novel is a twist on the notion of True Love. In this world, this cliche is acceptable. In fact, it's funny that Martia fell victim to it :) I'm liking Martia more and more! She's very well developed in the query. Martia refuses to commit the Intolerable Sin. True Love’s Kiss alone could level an army. But as Martia draws closer to Narin, her choice must be made—kill Narin as she was trained to do, or give into the black magic and risk everything.
Here, at the end, Tiffanie lays out the theme of the entire novel: love, and its sacrifices. But she does not over-explain things that don't need any more explaining. For example, the reader can infer that falling in True Love with the empress's son will lead to a lot of trouble.
This is a very thin line of which Tiffanie is on the right side of. Normally, it's way too hard to find out what stuff to leave out and what stuff to include in the query. What's the line between teasing and annoying? Confusion and desire to read? I struggle to find this balance. But I think Tiffanie found it by focusing on one thread during her entire query: Martia's character arc. We see the beginning of it (her assassin side), the pivoting moment (falling in True Love), and we get a glimpse at where it can go from there (falling in Love or killing her love). This thread alone is enough to carry the query (as it does), but either by accident or on purpose, by drawing in concepts and details from her world, Tiffanie hints at so many other avenues where the story might go. It's not the annoying type of teasing. It's the skillful type.
And also: think about the clarity of this query. So easily read, so easily understood. That's rare. Very rare. It's not easy to make a query sound fresh!
Complete at XXX, TAINTED LOVE is a stand-alone high fantasy with strong romantic elements. I have included the XXX in the body of this email.
First 250:
The streets of Yuin are no place for love.
I creep through the shadows, the clack of my boots muffled and unheard. I wear all black in a city of tan stone, bright glass murals and strips of crimson fabric. Even at night, Yuin is never dark.
A giggling couple stumble into the alley. The contrast between the suffocating city and dark colors of the above lines and this happy, giggling couple lend to a creepy, awesome mood. The man leans toward the woman, his voice low and teasing. Her giggles grow to a squealing chuckle. She clutches her sides, bunching up the flowing layers of orange, pink and purple that makes up her long pleated dress. The man’s grin is wide enough to crack his face. She reaches for his hand— Look how easily this is read. It's usually very hard to dive right into the 250. Writing isn't always as clean and smooth as it is here.
She sees me.
Her laughter cuts off and fear streaks through her wine-glazed eyes. She tries to stand straight, but wobbles. The man frowns at her. She grasps his hand and leans close. Showing, not telling. This is good.
“It’s one of Them.” I LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOOK HOW SHE CAPITALIZED 'THEM'. Not only does this show us how alien Martia is to the 'normal' world (how stigmatized she must feel and how the 'normal' people hate her kind), it gives us an insight as to the dynamics of this world.
The man turns and freezes when he sees me. For a moment, all is still and silent, except for the distant music of viheulas and bongo drums.
The couple is attractive with dark hair and honey-colored skin. Mithoian by birth, then. To an ordinary person, they’d look like two drunk lovers, returning from a late night street festival. But I see differently. Surrounding them is a twisting maroon aura, tinted with gray edges. Black magic. That's frankly really cool. I'd read on just to find out why/how True Love is linked with black magic.
I step forward with an easy smile.
The woman whimpers. “Please don’t kill us.”
Holy crap. That last line.... I LOVE IT. IT'S INCREDIBLE.
It seems so easily written because we can read it so quickly and smoothly. But don't be fooled! This type of writing is very hard to do.
Tiffanie also dropped us right into the action. Martia is on her assassin streak and she's about to claim another victim; how much more action do you need? And it's not the confusing action where the reader doesn't know what's going on. The reader is firmly in Martia's head before the action and drama and tension starts. It's not disorienting. It's fluid. And that's incredible.
Also, overall, think about how amazing this premise is. But more importantly, think about how wonderfully it's executed. Great premises are all around us. It's the sad truth. What matters is the execution of said premise. A story centered around True Love could become corny very quickly, but what Tiffanie showed us in her query and 250 is that this is anything but a sappy love story! It's pretty darn awesome, that's what.
What I think made her entry win is: her amazing premise, her execution of the premise, and her solid skills at writing fluid and clean prose. I truly think clean, easy-to-read prose is what distinguishes publishable material from nonpublishable ones. Tiffanie is a testament to that belief :)
So, there you go. That's what I think made her (very unassuming entry) so great, and why she won the contest (congrats!!!). Hope you guys liked it! Also, stay tuned for an interview with Tiffanie coming up Monday morning.
(Woah, it hit me really hard! The 'Become an Agent' contest and all it's post-contest festivities will be over on Monday! Back to regular blogging after that. Wow. That's a weirrddd feeling.)
Do you have anything to add about Tiffanie's entry?
Thanks for providing this fantastic analysis of Tiffanie's work! It's so helpful to see how someone else pulls apart queries and excerpts.
ReplyDeleteGreat job. I hope we will be updated if she gets an offer!
ReplyDeleteThis is an amazing post! Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeletewww.modernworld4.blogspot.com
Your entry was amazing, and I can't wait to read it when it hits the shelves!
ReplyDeleteCongrats to Tiffanie! It reads really well. I foresee requests in her immediate future!
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks for the awesome service your doing SC!!